wow . . . :(

A lot has been changing in my life lately.  With all the treatment shit and then I got a therapist.  I don’t really know if the therapy helps.  Professional help is just not my  thing.  Lately I haven’t been feeling like myself.  I haven’t been on here for weeks and it’s like a large chunk of my life is missing as odd as that sounds.  I thought I had come to a point where I didn’t have to rely on SP anymore, truth is, it has made me half of who I am.  I feel like I’m going crazy, god damn it.  At least crazier then I already am.  It’s like I’m not heavily suicidal but I’m always living in fear, fear of spiraling down again.  I don’t want to go to that dark, dark spot again.  But waves of hopelessness just wash over me more often and more often now.  I don’t know where I want to be or what I want to do.  I feel like a burden all the time and it’s just a miserable feeling.  One of my best friends killed himself.  And my other one I haven’t been able to speak to for two months and then figured out she moved states and no longer wanted shit to do with me.  But I don’t know if I can blame her for that.  For the second time a dad will leave me. Although I’m perfectly fine with that, it still means a family gets torn apart.  I know  I have duties and responsibilities but I also have a long record of immense failures.  I can not even begin to articulate my miserable aura and poor influence on three younger siblings. . . Well, cheers to going back to my SP days.  At least the people on here are pretty sweet. Also, sorry to all the people on here that i’ve been lacking communication with.  Please know I love you guys more then you could imagine and wish the best for you every day.  I will never forget, even if it seems like I’ve just walked away.  As always, remember how much y’all deserve poptarts and fennec foxes. And to weep, if you’re still wandering around here, I’m sorry I wasn’t here for the day of your parting words.  You truly are amazing.  I mean that one.