One of my main reasons I’m currently NOT doing anything is I’m concerned about my friends who will have to deal with the aftermath. My previous methods of self-harm and suicide attempts have been cutting or overdosing. If I did that where I am now one of my housemates would either have to wake up to that or come home from work to it. (Either self-harm or suicide).
So I was thinking more about trains or bridges. Which is not something I’d ever thought of before. But it seemed less selfish to the people I love? However when I was at the psych hospital yesterday and they were asking about current plans and I mentioned this, she pointed out that my friends and boyfriend would have to identify my body anyway. Which makes doing it that way even worse.
Has anyone else thought like this? I’m struggling to cope but I’m also so concerned about the people I love having to deal with all my stupidity.
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Im so sorry you have to think about that stuff. Wish i could say something that i know would help. But all i got is i know the feeling. I know what its like and there are good days ahead if you keep going.
Yes, I have thought that way. I don’t want my daughter (she is 42) to be the one to find me. She seldom contacts me other than an occasional text. She lives and works two miles from my home but never visits. I worry that I will be in such a state of decay when found that she won’t be able to get the smell out of the house ever. I have tried to think of other places to do it but I like the thought of dying in the comfort of my own bed with my dog lying beside me. What we are doing to our loved ones is horrible but sometimes life is too painful to endure any longer. I know I am being selfish by taking my life and I hate that part about me. I HATE hurting others!!!
I’ve struggled with this too. I finally decided I’d get a hotel room. That way I can guarantee none of my neighbors would be effected. As for effects on family, I’m not planning this in the hopes of causing anyone pain, I just need a way to get peace. Helium seems to be the gentlest way out.
I thought this way yesterday btw. I had a breakdown yesterday. I was going to gas myself in my parents shed. It was finally real. Then somethin came over me and i just thought about the people i would hurt and the peoe who’ve put effort into me. And i couldn’t do it so i broke down into a ball of tears and i felt better after that and i just spent time laying around recouperating . I dont know if ill ever be normal again but I feel better today . I cherish that.
It’s just so difficult. The thought of hurting people after I’ve done something is causing me even more stress which makes me want to do something more. And the main reason I’m currently managing to not do anything is because of the people I care about. It makes my head even more mixed up.
todieisgain – I completely understand the feeling selfish thing. It makes me feel so awful. Considering how lovely and supportive everyone is being. And I still can’t cope.
david123 – I’m so happy you managed to work through it. It’s hard to accept normality is probably never going to happen. And I know there are good days and if I’d succeeded on any one of the bad days that I had before years and years ago, I would have missed a lot. But sometimes the awful bad things that have happened and the inability to cope with the smallest things is just too extreme and overbearing.
I know. Trust me i know. If i could pile up the things I’ve seen and the mistakes I’ve made they’d match Everest. Im copin now by just doin nothin . Kinda choosing not to worry just help where i can and know inside your a good person. Find people i love and who care about me. It’s the only place i feel safe now. I cant work now so im just hangin out for a couple months hopefully the mind can heal . Goin on a few road trips goin to the beach . Cabin. Wherever. Kinda lonely still but at least i can get away and there’s a sense of freedom about it. I hope you can come to terms with the demons and let them pass through. Be transparent . Let it all pass through until you feel a sense of self again. Were all introverts we need or me time anyways. Go to a park and read a book. In the sunlight. Go to a lake fishing. Walk the trails take time . Take your time
I would have to be identified anyway as nobody would notice my absence and they would probably find me when I have started to decompose.
If I don’t do it at home and they for example find my body in the sea after a few weeks it would be even worse as my possible facial features could make headlines as they try to find out who I am. :(:( I would like to hide my face as it is now and just imagine a computer reconstruction viewed by everybody… :(:(
Mmm, I feel horribly selfish too. Can’t bear the thought of what I leave behind for my loved ones to deal with. When shit gets bad enough I stop caring or rationalise to myself that my need to die is greater than the hurt to them…but not for long.
I consider different places to die, and what kind of condition I’ll be found in. Still undecided about all of that. Method is determined but the logistics not. There is no ‘perfect’ suicide. It’s a messy and disgusting business, and I fear my grown son and elderly mother will hate me for it.
Sorry to be graphic.
I guess I don’t much give a fuck in my case. I lost all hope. No one in my life loves me in a way that is unconditional. Its always what I can do for them. Like cinderfuckingella.
If I cared, I would not be headed for the final line prematurely.