Yeah..it’s hard..
Physically I’m not doing well at all, even though I’m trying my best. I don’t know if I’ve ever had to try this hard before.
I’m grabbing the box of tissues for this one.
In the days since my wife left me, I’ve been on a steady decline with my weight and dehydration and seriously, I’m trying my hardest to keep it up. I’m a total mess so I can’t cook or clean for myself right now, but I need to eat. So I have to go out…
I went to breakfast this morning, by myself. Going with anyone right now is completely out of the question cause it would only make it harder. It doesn’t really matter where I go have breakfast.. She follows me everywhere I go. She’s there, the memory of every time we sat and ate together.
So I go to the same place we’ve eaten breakfast almost every weekend. It’s not torturing myself, it doesn’t matter where I go eat so I go to the closest place. But when I’m there it’s especially hard. The waitresses know me, they’ve seen me come into that place with her for so long.. Now when they look at me they have this look as if I’m going to explode all over the place. Real expressions of concern in their eyes. I have to ask for the small booth in the corner, and when I do the waitress looks around as if she’s confused cuz she’s so use to seating me at the regular tables. Another waitress comes up to me and gently smiles, asking me how I am. She knows already that my wife left me.
I try just to sit and eat but emotions just come over me. I eat as much as I can but eventually I find myself tearing up. I sit there, with my sunglasses on, as long as I can…but eventually I have to push my plate aside and leave.
I don’t want to be like this when I sit with my new girlfriend, one day. But I don’t know how long it will be till I can get all that mess out of my head, and be able to eat a proper meal without losing control
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“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have.’
Kierkegaard
“We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future. As if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears, and our wildest hopes. But one thing is certain: When it finally reveals itself, the future is never the way we imagined it.”
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell
I used to eat at the same place on a regular basis. I would always get the same thing – a breakfast burrito stuffed with eggs, hashbrowns, bacon and cheese. The cashier would tell the cook to start working on my burrito when she saw me park in their parking lot. By the time I walked inside and reached the cash register, my burrito was already being built. It was great.
If you’re a creature of habit it’s difficult to change your ways. I guess change is a part of life though. You have to adapt, you gotta roll with whatever comes your way and deal with it.
I haven’t eaten at that place since 2011.
Yeah, change is part of the game. For sure
I feel u bro. u at least still have your job? I know you were doing some sort of manual labour because you’d mentioned your back pain at one point…ur back still killing u?
let the emotions take their course. u know the 5 stages of loss. allow yourself to move through them without judgement. you’ll heal faster that way. by the time you attract another girl you will be back to your old self. only stronger, better, faster, richer. RT 2.0
keep living keep posting. I’ll be here for u as much as I can be bro.
Thanks bro.
Yeah my career is on an all time high right now so this is the last thing I need in my life, to feel this way.
My degenerative spine disorder continues to get worse. For those who don’t know me.. My back is basically broken and I have to force myself to do things most of you couldn’t do with a healthy back. I usually skip breakfast during the week cuz I supplement it with old fashioned bone scraping pain….and coffee!
Thanks for the motivating words my brotha!
Oh and btw.. It’s now version RT3.2
I’ve felt broken for years after my girlfriend left after I fucked it up the first time around when we were sixteen … huge diasaster.
This is part of a comment I made in a post called “the place for judgement”. It was a conversation me and PainNLife were having. I busted up laughing as I re read it. lol
“When I talk about torture.. That’s exactly what I’m referring to. Imagine living your life the way it is, but no matter what you refuse to give up. You take the good with the bad. You accept that life is like this. And it gets worse. But still.. You want more of it, all of it. The good and the bad. That’s the torture I speak of. Living in a world that’s not worth living in.. And knowing that it will be for nothing in the end. The difference between me and you is that for me (in my head) it’s all the same in the end. It doesn’t matter who or what I am, I’m just here. From my point of view, I attack this life as if I’m looting a store during a riot. I’m gonna take all I can take, fuck everyone else, and ill kick anyone who stands in my way right square in the junk!”
lol
I allowed myself to put an end to a 4 years relationship. Out of stupidity, fear, pain and rage I did it the worst way possible. I forced her away from me. A huge part of me knew that neither of us were actually happy. I wasn’t. It’s been almost a year since that happened and tho I’m sure I wasn’t happy, I know that if I could be happy with someone it was with her. I miss her everyday since the moment I fucked it up. We both did along the relationship, but I was the last one to fuck up. I wonder if I could’ve done different, better. But I know is irrelevant, I did what I did. Can’t change that. I know i’m willing to make this work, at least the part that is up to me. But she is away and tho I know she is not entirely happy, I know she’ll keep moving on. It’s her nature. She is in my head no matter what I do, where I go. I see her. I’ll do anything to see her smile. I know that my distance will help her achieve that. So I try to stay away, it’s killing me. But I try.