So I have never blogged before but I figured it might help to get some of this stuff off my chest.
Where to begin???? Well currently I am going through a divorce from the mother of my 2 youngest children and I have no one to blame but myself.
I love her so much but have hurt her over and over again throughout the last 6 years. I have been unfaithful more times than I can count and I deserve for her to leave me. I would have left me a long time ago. She is the most beautiful, patient and forgiving woman ever. She is the most amazing mother to our children. She deserves a lot better than me.
I am a very accomplished individual. I have always been a leader and have been a CEO/GM/President for the last 15 years or so. I have a very strong work ethic and work hard for everything I have. I grew up poor and appreciate the nicer things in life today. I am a very caring and loving person, a true romantic if you will. I love to give gifts for no reason, take last minute vacations and most importantly to see a smile on my wife and kids faces everyday.
So here I am, about to be unemployed, divorced and I have no support system here. I moved here in the military and met my wife and now I have been stuck here. I HATE IT HERE. My wife told me a lie when we were dating about moving away from here but then changed her mind after we were married.
There are several reasons for wanting to end my life. 1. I love my wife and cant imagine life without her. 2. I cant imagine not seeing my kids everyday. They are young, 4 and 5 and love me with all they have. I have not been a good father but they know that I love them with all my heart. I cant stand the thought of being a summer dad and not being around to watch them grow up everyday. 3. I will be broke and bankrupt about August 1st. 4. The pain is way too much for me to handle.
So there you have it, I know it doesn’t make much sense and its probably very hard to read and follow. I just wanted to get this off my chest in case someone ever comes across it when I am gone.
My wife was amazing and the best wife and mother ever. She is intelligent and beautiful and my kids are very lucky to have her. I know they will be in great hands.
I only hope that one day she will forgive me and my kids will forgive me for taking the cowards way out. This isn’t something I have just thought about. I have been researching quick, painless ways to die since Christmas Eve 2013.
I have lived a good life and have been blessed. I use to be scared to death of dying, now I seem to welcome the thought.
I apologize to anyone who reads this as I have no idea what I am doing. I am just letting the thoughts out as they come to me. If I have any advice to give anyone reading this it would be not allow social media to come into your marriage. I would also hope that you are a much stronger person than I am and I would hope you would seek counseling. Hasn’t seemed to work for me but I encourage it before doing anything drastic.
6 comments
Sounds like you flew too close to the sun. I can relate. When you’ve accomplished a lot in your life it hurts that much more when you’re brought down to dirt. You talk about the cowards way out and you aren’t kidding. You are going to fuck up those kids. They don’t care how much money you make or how often you are there. They look up to you and NEED you to be there to love them. You think of ending your life but you are really ending three.
And that is the only reason I have made it these last 6 months and am holding out as best as I can. August will be the month that will test my courage and will.
Counseling is one thing, but there are a lot of paths to finding recovery, making sense of our impulsive actions, and forgiving ourselves. There are hound dog recovery groups. Therapies range from the conventional to getting perspective on past life influences and karma clearings; so there are more ways to explore this than you will have time for in one lifetime, but I think most critical is learning to love and forgive yourself, which sounds trite and easy, but it frequently isn’t when our ego gets into punishment in order to atone for itself (beyond remorse).
I’m sure your wife is a nice person, but it sounds like you are idealizing her, and I wonder whether you are clearly seeing her through a filter of guilt. You may have had had other filters in the past the prevented you from seeing her while you were “cross pollinating.” My intent here is not to diminish you or her, just to suggest that your current perspective may not be clear at this time, but the good news is you have time for clarity.
Americans are prone to defining ourselves and worth by our jobs. This leaves a vacuum which makes us vulnerable on a variety of levels when the job situation changes. Higher paid jobs sometimes take longer to find, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do something else that pays less in the meantime.
You may have many financial obligations, but you can always simplify. You aren’t naked and worthless without stuff. It’s easy to like nice things, but if necessary, you can live without them.
It’s also easy to define ourselves by our relationships; so, regardless of the causes, the carpet has been ripped out from you on more than one level.
With Skype and various forms of chat, there is no reason you can’t see your kids every day. And even though your wife may feel hurt and angry, you’re connected forever through your kids and it is not outside the realm of possibility that you cannot someday be friends, it may depend upon whether your ex lets your actions define her or reinforce any negative beliefs she may have about herself. Don’t get me wrong, betrayal can be brutal and numbing, but it doesn’t mean some degree of healing isn’t possible.
It sounds like you have plenty to grieve, but I think if you relax, you can conceive of worthwhile things in life one year from now, five years from now, ten years from now, and fifteen years from now. Twenty years from now, you may regard this time as a real low point, but you will also be able to see inconceivable good things you couldn’t imagine now. Consider using the next five weeks contemplating positive milestones at one, five, and ten years out.
There’s no telling what heroic opportunities you may have.
You can move to a more amenable place.
You can get a new job.
You can cultivate new venues of support.
You can still have a relationship with your family.
You can get perspective on life.
But it may take time.
Hang in bro, the nether world between recyclings may not be all it’s cracked up to be.
(Sorry for the ramble. Doing this on a tablet in this tiny window can be problematic,)
Thank you for your constructive comments tbd. There were some very good things in there to consider. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. That was a great point about Skype. My ex doesn’t hate me, just what I have done to us and our family. To be clear, I never physically cheated on her but I did allow some outside influences to cause some problems between us and it has gone on for 6 years. Yes, I feel very lost and the pain of not holding my kids everyday sucks but its something I caused and we have to live with the consequences of our decisions. Thanks again.
You sound like a real jerk who’s now feeling sorry for himself. Your children need you, despite your lack of character; and your wife can learn to forgive you if you really change. I doubt you will though.
You are correct, I am a jerk, I never said otherwise. I appreciate your honest feedback.