I swear I can’t get mad at people, I get mad at myself instead when they let me down or do something wrong because of course it would have to be my fault and I am getting what I deserve. There is a person in my life with several issues but I accept them for who they are or who I wanted to believe they are. It’s like no matter how they treat me I tell myself they are doing the best they can and I need lighten up. I feel humiliated for what I tolerate. Is mutual respect really too much to ask for? If you don’t want someone the way they want you don’t take them for all they are worth simply because you can. I feel grateful for people that have the time of day for me and I never want them to regret having been there for me. Things may not go the way we want in any given relationship but is it really necessary get as much as you can on your way out the door? I am broken, alone and all sorts of other stupid stuff yet I get out there like I can hang with the rest of them all the while being depleted of what little resources and my life’s energy. It’s all my fault, I do this all the time. Why can’t a jerk just be a jerk plain and simple and a rational self could say “you want nothing to them and you deserve better”
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People, in general, are narcissistic – which means they [you, me, us… whomever] have parasitic minds and function on a basic level of self-gratification. *We* are concerned with things or people that benefit us in some perceived way, and if no benefit is registered in our minds, then it becomes either obselete or a hindrance.
Love, compassion, empathy and whatever else have you, are quite endearing qualities yet extraordinarily rare to be found amongst the human population.
Hard as it may be, stop expecting anything from others and take your life into your own hands – however weak and inadequate you may perceive them to be.
Your life is up to you from here, and I guarantee that if you continue to rely on “faith in humanity” you will continue to be endlessly disappointed and feel “let down.”
Don’t be hard on yourself. We’re all in the same position…. living in the same exact world.
Thanks for your thoughts. I must agree with what you said. I have my moments when I am strong and can carry on without expectations of others. On the weaker days when I am suffering from anxiety or feel trapped I start grasping at straws/ people wether it be for distraction or in hopes someone can “save” me from myself. I know nobody can save me, my family died 14 years ago and at times the lack of connection or support system messes with me. I know I am fundamentally on my own. I guess on the bright side while I am looking for a way out I have managed to maintain my job and composure for the most part. Today is now a mental health day for me and I am not working.