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My favourite quote: ” If you don’t understand mental illness, good. Good for you. You shouldn’t have to understand. If you don’t understand why some people can’t get out of bed in the morning, good. I hope you jump out of bed ever single day; ready to take the world by storm. If you don’t understand how someone could drag a blade across their skin, good. I hope you’re never that desperate to feel something. If you don’t understand what would drive a girl to keep starving herself despite everything she’s lost in the process, good. Stay heavy & present & real. If you don’t understand why he won’t just go to church or rehab or find someone who can help him, good. I hope you always have somewhere to turn. If you don’t understand how someone can keep swallowing bottles of pills, tying knots in ropes, or standing at the top of a bridge, good. I hope you never feel that desperate for relief. If you don’t understand, good. You’re not supposed to. It’s all fucking sick. Thank God for ignorance, it’s healthy. ”
It is sick & strange & sad how someone can have absolutely everything they could possibly want but still be wildly unhappy. I have everything. I don’t have a hard life by any means. But i have a big heart and it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.. My parents are still together, my only brother and I get along well and my family on both sides are amazing and loving. I have everything to be grateful for but the question I continue to ask myself is why I am not happy. I used to believe in love. I thought love was the answer due to story books and romantic movies. Everyone always had someone who loved them more than they loved themselves. I wondered what it would be like to have someone who did. I craved love and affection but never found it in a significant other until high school. The first guy who found interest in me I clung back to. A silly high school relationshit that made no sense and had no meaning but to me I felt as if it were branching off and discovering myself through another person and maybe just attempting to care and figure out someone else. I have always wanted so badly for everyone to be happy that I often forget about my own happiness in the process. It’s a fault in having such a big heart. My parents who cradled me as a baby and still do, didn’t agree with his age being two years older than myself and forced me to breakup with him and never see him again. This was a hard time because we were in all the same classes and coming to a new school he had been the only person I knew. This as with all passed. I met a boy who would be my first love over a year later. The first love aaaah. The one you never truly get over… I wonder if it fucks you up forever. I believe it truly does. This boy, well you see I found that in my eyes the sun rised and set with him. We talked about everything. We had the same sense of humor and we wanted to be together all the time. It didn’t matter what we were doing because we just liked being together. The hand holding in the truck while driving, the couch and endless kisses during movies we never really watched. The works. I adored him with every ounce of myself even when he hit me and gave me bruised lips by accident and then continued this by no accident.. We broke up in a shit way. He had told me he never loved me and that I was never good enough for him shortly after these events. He broke my heart into a million pieces and I’ve never been the same. Desperate for him to take me back despite him not sharing the same emotions I thought jealousy ought to do something. I began dating a guy who was really just a good friend to make the boy jealous. This didn’t work. Later I moved on from the boy over summer and a lot of cutting and hating myself. Believing I wasn’t good enough for anyone because I had opened up to this boy and given him everything and he walked away as if I were nothing. I met another guy in the beginning of the new school year. This was the guy who I told all about my first love and he acted as if he understood and wanted to make me feel cared for again. It worked. It was the kind of love where you don’t realize it until they hurt you. The kind you try to ignore because you’re scared but it never goes away. The kind that lives in you forever and still lives in your dreams at night that become nightmares you cannot escape. Yeah that kind. I lost my virginity to this boy. I was in lust and love with him but for him it was only lust. I didn’t even want to do things with him half the time. I wanted to know him, every detail, hope, dream, failure, memory, things that kept him up late at night and his demons. I knew this was for real. I also knew he didn’t love me. I hoped that if I gave In to his pleas he would give into feelings and love me back, become that kind of attached all our friends told us about when they lost their virginity. But it didn’t happen. One thing I didn’t know about this boy was how cruel he would be. I poured my heart out to him on multiple occasions and he brushed me off just like the first guy used to. This terrified me. It was supposed to be mutual and it wasn’t. But I pushed so hard for it to be anyways. He would go around with other girls as if i wasnt enough and I would find out from my friends like when I went on vacation for a week and he texted me everyday about how he missed me and couldn’t wait for me to come home. I was sure he loved me when I was away. The night we spent together sorting out all our on and off shit and decided to be together but he fuvked it up when I was away and I came home with a broken heart yet again from this guy. “The Devil is real. And he’s not a little red man with horns and a tail. He can be beautiful. Because he’s a fallen angel, and he used to be God’s favorite.” I’m sure he’d evil. Some parts in him. He’s beautiful but I swear he’s a demon. He uses my weaknesses against me to get what he wants because he knows I crave him. He called me up months after and asks me to come see him on his birthday, he’s drunk but he tells me all the things he never said because he was scared and its sweet and it captures my heart. We both cry and he tells me he loves me and despite all the other girls he could be with he doesn’t want to because “they’re not you” .. I go with him again and give him what he wants and I do not. A week later he cuts me off and is already dating another girl. im so heartbroken i send him messages but he just reads them and doesnt reply. he walks by me in the halls and doesnt even look. like i never exsisted. like i never meant anything. a month passes and he cuts me off, hes sure he loves this girl. hed die for her. im too afraid to tell him about the pregnancy scare. My period is three weeks late now and I feel sick all the time. I can’t tell anyone. I’m too choked up to go to class. I’m so scared. I want to know but I don’t. I go get blood tests done at the hospital. I think about what I would do with it. I think about abortion. I want him to be happy. I wouldn’t burden him with a child. We’re both so young. Before I get the blood work I read about natural abortions if its a new seed. I start taking these vitamin pills that I read about online that with high enough dosage you can create a spontaneous abortion. I took them for two days then I get tested. I’m not pregnant. Apparently they don’t work anyways. This boy and this girl date for a year and some. She cheats on him with his best friend and tells him on Christmas. He tells me about it and how he’s sad. I say im sorry and I’m here if he needs to talk. He stays with her anyways. His birthday comes. It’s been a year to the day and a few weeks after he begins texting me. The girl dumped him. She said she wasn’t happy anymore. He’s really sad. He says he lost so many friends because of her (like me) funny because we were never really friends before we got together or after for that matter.. He asks me to hangout and he comes out to my lake to stay the night. Things are good. They go normal as if we’re Just friends. I tell myself this is a part of getting over each other after everything. We don’t even cuddle when watching a movie. It’s weird but I don’t mind because we’re just friends. I should hate him with every ounce of my being. I have the right to. But instead I hate myself for never being enough for him to stay with me. To date me and to love me in all the ways I loved him.. He starts to tickle me. He knows its my weakness. I tell him to stop but he kisses my neck. He knows that’s how he always got his way. He kisses me like he missed me the whole time. He calls me babe. Before I know what or how it happened its done. I feel setback and sad. I sit in my room for two days after and don’t talk to anyone. I don’t even eat. My parents don’t seem to mind that I don’t leave my bed. I take lots of pills and hate myself for doing that. I want to die. I pray for god to take my pointless gross useless pathetic life away and give it to someone fighting cancer or disease. To give my life to someone who deserves to live unlike me. He doesn’t talk to me after. I text him and tell him I’m done. I can’t talk to him. He doesn’t seem to care. I tell him I hate how I care about him so much and he doesn’t even care about me. He tells me he does care about me but I know he’s lying. The whole night he had been texting some girl named Paige. He said she was one of his sisters weird friends and she was staying over the next few nights because she was going to a ball tourney in our city and dint want to pay for a hotel. I look on his facebook two weeks after and he’s dating her. So here I sit wondering why I’m even alive. I hate myself. I hate everything I am and everything I have yet to be. I cannot forgive myself. I wonder why we meet people who destroy us and use us then leave like we never existed. I wonder why I care. I wonder why I don’t die when ever I try to commit suicide. I wonder what there exists to live for. I feel empty and broken. I feel drained emotionally, physically and mentally. I wish I would die. I don’t know how I can take a whole bottle of pills and still wake up the next morning. I want to know why it doesn’t work. I think about all the ways I could do it. I live for my family because I know it would hurt them but is it enough to only live for the people you love instead of yourself. Is it enough?