My first time on here so please bare w me. I’m 36, was married at 23 to an emotionally abusive man. After many years of medications, therapy, hospitalization, failed suicide attempt, family pissed, lost most friends, finally left him, was happier than I’d ever been in my life….. Was fine being alone…. Friends came back into my life… Wasn’t looking for anything, enjoying new found freedom…. And then, my dearest friend since I was 18 suddenly back in my life, he saw change in me, gave him hope to get out of equally horrible marriage, we grew much closer and evolved into romantic relationship. Everything we felt, shared etc, I always never believed possible and was just great Hollywood bs. But at least for us, it was something we had always dreamed of but we both had been with our previous spouses since we were 18 and had become cynical to the idea of true happiness and love but we found it in each other. Fast forward to May 21st of this year….. He had a really bad day, at work and bad personal news…. Tried everything to make evening better when he got home…. And it was, for awhile….. Then I made a comment and he flipped his shit…… He was drunk, but he was always a happy drunk….. He trashed house, literally, trashed everything… Most everything in out house was mine, he turned main switch for electricity off and left house… I was stunned, never seen him like that in my life, about 5 mins later he comes back, goes into bedroom, gets his ruger 9mm, and puts one in chamber in front of me so I knew it was loaded and said goodbye and he left. I was paralyzed with fear, did not know where he would go etc so text his parents (who didn’t really like me and he was close with his family but had a lot of issues with them he never expressed to anyone but me) his father called me immediately, told me to hang up, call 911, and they wer headed to our house… They lived 3 hrs away. What’s weird is it felt weird to call police and thought never crossed my mind but did exactly as his father said. Was on phone with 911 until they arrived aand they were at our house for almost 2 hours… From moment N left to the min police left I never once called or text him… His phone was off anyways but knew that bc police and his mother told me. I called her right as police left and then N called and I told his mother it was him and hung up on her…. All he said was… Did you call my parents, I said yes and that… And he hung up on me… Tried calling him back… Voicemail. He then text me that he was a grown man and could handle his problems himself and everything would be OK…I took that to mean… I did the wrong thing by calling police and his parents and text him back I was sorry, told him about police etc and to not go to the areas I knew the police were searching…. He then text me…. And I’ll never forget it ” you don’t trust me, now I’ll never trust you again, you’ve betrayed me ” I began calling and texting feverishly for about the next 30 mins to no response… His parents arrived and we went to hotel for the night…. I knew in my heart I would never see him again. A few hours later my cell rang and it was police letting me know they found his body… He shot himself in the head….. I’ve never felt pain like that minute and every minute since that call…. Within hours his father tells me to pack what I can that I need for the week and whatever valuables and we would meet back on Saturday to move furniture etc. I could not believe what was happening. He wasn’t legally divorced yet, so his soon to be ex wife was next of kin even though we had lived together for over a year. I had sold my house a few months prior and now I’m essentially homeless and had to move back in with my parents the same day I found out the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with was gone…. I later learned, he pulled the trigger immediately after he sent me his last text which haunts me every second of every day. I wish I had done so many things different BC it was so sudden an unexpected, less than 12 hours before I’m being kicked out… He and I were bugging, kissing, dancing. I was banned from funeral, family and others literally blame me for not saving him and all other kinds of bs….. As devastated as I was/am, someone who tried to kill themselves, felt I would take this immense pain if he was free from any pain. At first I was wanting to die to be with him… But now, I don’t know if I’ll “be reunited with him” I just want to die to escape this horrible, intense pain I constantly feel. I have two parents that love me to death but don’t understand why my pain and grief is getting worse 2 plus months later, I can’t tell them in constantly ruminating about what I did wrong the first time I tried to kill myself…. At first I was holding onto to whatever existence I had BC I felt so much pain, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, let alone the only people who care for me and are trying so hard in the only way they know how (which they don’t) to help me. Lately, I feel like, if I’m in this much pain, I should have a say in the decision to not be here any longer…. I don’t want to “get over him” I don’t want a future, the idea of a life without N, and possibly with another person in the future repulses me….I just can’t stand the pain… I want to be free from it and as much as my therapist understands, and doesn’t push me to think about a positive future, and even I understands me wanting to die…. That isn’t an option… For her to “allow to happen” so going to my shrink in morning and hoping, there is some cocktail that will magically take this pain away….. Or I know I’m not strong enough to live in this pain…. This pain is a million times worse than the pain I was feeling when I tried to kill myself the first time…… I just know what I did wrong now so shouldn’t wake up this time, if I do it, which I truly want to do…. It’s not to punish myself or be w N, it would be nice I could be, but there’s no guarantee, but I’m guaranteed to be removed forever from this agonizing existence filled with worst pain ever… I just want to be free from it and honestly don’t want help or to be talked out of…. It’s weird to say, but I’m more rational now, then when I was previously… Isn’t it just as selfish for my parents to want me here so they aren’t in pain….. And I hate the selfish act line that everyone loves to make when someone kills themselves, I stumbled upon this site tonight and was happy for first time to not see or read same old shit about this getting better… It won’t and I don’t want it to…. I just want to be free from this pain…. But no one else will see it that way….. But I’m having a really hard time feeling pain to spare their pain….. Sorry so long… Just needed to express myself to someone who hopefully won’t give me all the usual suicide prevention lines
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Im so sorry for your loss. My friend just lost her husband to suicide,only he called the cops himself and swung his gun up in their direction to get them to do it.Its so horrible. I feel angry for her-how could he do this to her,basically,its selfish and traumatic to do this to a spouse. He couldnt take another minute of pain,,though,and I understand excruciating despair and hopelessness .I cant help but think your boyfriend was also under the strain and guilt of leaving his wife or kids or anything like that, because it seems so drastic a reaction to a critical word from you-something else had to be eating away at him..I see that you are in unbearable pain,and want it to end.I dont think youre obligated to stay alive and suffer for your parents sake.It will hurt them ,but its YOUR life.I always say to people-wait a while,because life can change,and you may find a meaningful existence after all-if you stay alive. If you cant,you can’t. You have the right,just as he did,to end suffering. It hurt you so bad you no longer care to live. Who knows how it will be received by loved ones…it could cause the same feelings youre experiencing now. I do hope you find solace one way or another. A Survivors group could put you with people who are going through what you are,and talk openly about it-which can alleviate or ease the pain slightly…in increments.I hope you find a painless peaceful way to die,if you must. Ill say this and then shut up-you did not deserve this. You left your husband and pursued happiness, and found this man again. He did not do it that way.He left them to be with you.Things were different for him,internally,than for you. He was carrying a much heavier burden into the relationship. You are not responsible for that,either.He is. Just thought id say so,in case the blame was crushing you..I wish you peace…
I really appreciate your comment… Wasn’t expecting any nor did I think anyone would actually read such a long post. It was much longer but I tried to condense as best I could. Honestly, I do not think it was out of guilt for leaving his wife, and neither of us had any children..he had really been unhappy in his relationship with her for several years before he actually got the courage to leave her, he had asked his boss about a year or two prior to send him traveling abroad to work BC things had gotten so bad at home, his family was actually very supportive of our relationship in first year, and even told me they knew his relationship had been over for years and that they were happy i was with him helping him get through this, they never really liked his wife… Breakup of marriage and divorce, which was taking forever due to wife, who had also began relationship as soon as she was served divorce papers and that and his job lead to an intense amount of stress… ., and he was very depressed at time, i was actually surprised he had taken it upon himself to see Dr. And was prescribed antidepressant and he had very bad reaction, actually when suicidal thoughts began, i encouraged him to go back to Dr. And have dosage changed and after that even intensified bad reaction and suicidal thoughts, which he was very open about with me bc he knew it was a chemical imbalance in his brain and went back to Dr to ask to try a different med, I at that point I encourage him to see shrink, and made him appt that he missed BC work meeting.. He eventually requested a leave of absence, but after many denied requests from his boss, who felt, he didn’t need, and after several attempts, finally confronted boss and threatened to quit and took about two months off from work… He ran out of meds during this time and suicidal thoughts went away and actually truly seemed happier than he had been…. Divorce was really getting bad though and she for some reason would not sign settlement which was completely in her favor, he against attorneys advice and mine, wanted her to have fresh start so took on all debt which she racked up, about $60k, he bought her a car during this time, paid for lawyer BC she was arrested for possession of drugs with her new boyfriend, which he was happy she had BC he was finished, she felt she was owed spousal support even though he had supported her financially for first year in the range of over $1k per month, and was so infuriated, told me he would quit his job before he gave her anymore financial support, and she eventually stopped responding to him and had her number changed, and wouldn’t respond to repeated settlements sent by him and lawyer and lawyer finally said only thing we can do is request court date, let courts make decision and would at that point be 50/50 split of debt, and they had no assets. Court date was set for June 9 th of this year, on day everything went to shit, he found out that day that he had been repeatedly lied to about major project he had been working on for almost 9 months, in addition to lawyer calling him, saying she actually retained attorney and since so close to court date had to reset by a few months and she was requesting again, spousal support. He was livid, again, threatened to quit his job… He had had no response or communication with her since December of last year… And between work and call from lawyer was stressed and angry…. The Sunday before he took his life, he updated LinkedIn account, wanted new job, asked where I was willing to live, I said anywhere with you, he wanted to be as far away from family and friends we had purposefully distanced ourselves from mainly because they were not supportive of him being with me, and we registered for some online classes together, discussed starting own business with me helping him, he expressed how much he had never loved anyone like me, actually felt I was only person who truly understood him etc, actually had a wonderful weekend together… And then the following Tuesday, everything went to shit for him in his eyes… When he got home, I explained we would get through this, we already had plans, and to talk to lawyer face to face and express his intense desire to quit job before wife got another penny etc…. He immediately appeared happier, we were kissing, dancing in kitchen etc then he just flipped over stupid comment I made and I already explained rest…. What hurt was I truly believe, BC of his last text, that his last thought was me betraying him, not a message to ex not love to me, not to his family for coming to “intervene” and that breaks my heart… Since his death, his family blames me, his sister sent most awful text, his best friend who was so mean to him after finding out about our relationship a yr prior, which in turn, they stopped communicating except for random text from this friend saying the most hateful things… He text me last week thst I killed N, I didn’t save him, and he was going to kill me, I actually was happy, gave him my address and told him to bring it on, seriously hoping he would kill me so that my family wouldn’t be hurt by my taking my own life, he then stated, no, I should live a long miserable existence with Ns death on me…. Which I’m already living, bc of blame I have but not for their reasons…. I’m angry at N for not at least waiting, BC now his wife is next of kin, got his car within hours of his death, gets house, although she does get all debt… And he always said he felt guilty for his love for me not keeping him alive but it was that his family would blame me and hate me when he was suicidal last year… After his family suddenly had this hate campaign against me, which made N feel unloved, he said, if they truly loved me they would accept person I loved who made him happy and that he chose to spend rest of his life with… He began to communicate less and less and actually began lying when we were in town, didn’t want to see them BC he said we were a team, he would not see them without me and wouldn’t subject me to their hatred for me…. When he got better, I joked, nothing better happen to you.. Like car wreck etc because they already hated me and he joked back about it saying they would kick me out in a new York second.. I always thought he was a was being a bit dramatic about them blaming me etc, but he clearly he knew them well BC exactly what happened…I was texting his phone with feelings etc BC was off for while BC police had and then his sister freaked when apparently she got his phone, so started journal with app on my phone and entries are like I’m speaking to him, I get angry at him some days, others I’m understanding since I’ve been there… Some days too mad to write him, I’m not crazy thinking I’ll get a response…. My way of getting off my chest… And it is something I can look back on and see my transitions in feelings…. Went to Dr this am, tweaked some meds, hopefully will help ease pain so I don’t feel this much pain…. Which not sure any medication can do but trying, why haven’t acted yet…. I don’t think he would want that for me anyways, I truly believe, he felt he was letting me down in some way and not giving me what he felt I needed and clearly had more demons than he was admiring, just hope he is free from his pain… Thanks for not giving me the usual, life gets better stay strong better things await you…BC I can’t imagine anyone coming anywhere close to being as wonderful as he was and although short, and experiencing this pain, the love we shared was worth the experience
I agree with misanthrope – that you did not deserve this. Believe me, you deserve the peace and happiness your path was restoring to you. And, you are not in any way responsible for the outcome. We are all responsible for our actions and he was responsible for the act, not you and not you for what he misguidedly called “betrayal”.
I once stopped myself from interfering in an abusive situation because I was young and stupid, and I feared I would lose the trust of someone I loved desperately if I intervened. I know now I should have done what my heart told me to do; I probably would have still lost her but it could have been the clarity she needed to get away from the abuser she is still with after many years.
You did what you needed to do and you followed your heart – but that doesn’t always alter what another person is already driven to do. His demons were far too big for both of you and he did what he did not because you tried to stay present but because he turned away from the power of the love you had for each other. That was his choice.
I truly hope you can gain the peace you need however it manifests itself and my sincere wish for you is that you can find healing, not destruction. I wish that for you so that you can live to experience the peace and love you truly deserve again. And that more than anything is what you absolutely deserve. Writing about it and releasing it from within you is one of the best things you can do, as hard as it must have been. Keep reaching out in any way that you can.
Thank you for your reply….. I agree, I did what I could under the circumstances, if I hadn’t done anything and still had same outcome, I would really be blaming myself more. I know I didn’t deserve this, just saddens me BC the way we were and the honesty and trust and love he expressed to me and equally showed me, feel betrayed I guess is best word that he made this decision….. Makes me doubt his love for me at times, however, being a suicide survivor, I wasn’t thinking of pain I inflicted on others just attempting, and truly felt they would all be better off without me and I just wanted to free myself from pain….. I wasn’t “doing” it to anyone….. Just only relief I saw for myself from pain I was experiencing…. And it took several years to get to experience joy in life again, but lots of trial and error with medication and tons of therapy, which he didn’t pursue BC he really expressed and truly, up until that night, truly seemed happy. He was a very emotional person and could not hide his emotions nor had he ever done so previous to the night he chose to die……I just hope my slight medication change today will get me through pain so with therapy, I can see a light at the end of this tunnel which I do not see at the moment…. I just can’t imagine anything or anyone bringing me any comparable amount of joy regardless of how short lived our relationship was regardless of his choice that ended it…. I personally don’t look at suicide as selfish or something someone does to someone else, BC of my personal experience…. This pain I’m feeling right now, is “worth” it for a lack of a better word, if he is free from his pain which was clearly greater than mine is now if I’m still alive…. That’s how I choose to look at it, at first at least, just wasn’t expecting the pain to get so much more intense with each passing day…. But I know he would want me to try and be happy…. Just hard looking toward a future without him in it at the moment……