The big question whist happens after we die, where do we go. Do we go into a spiritual realm for tortured souls, do we go into nothing, do we go into a dream world for good, do we see others that are past,do we go to heaven, do we go to hell? These are the questions that every one wonders, even the most religious person must think in the back of their minds I hope there is a heaven. So to kill yourself is a sin and then we end up in hell. Whet if you think life is hell, why is there such a bad world out there if god is do mighty and loving as they say .
I am a agnostic I believe in something but I don’t know what. What is it out there why am I here. We seem like ants and there a so many of us in the world running round in circles really going no where. I tried to find a meaning to all of this, but there is no meaning to be found. Why was I raped , why was I an addict, why didn’t I have any of my dreams happen. I remember thinking that when I worked with people that were homeless and traumatised I felt a piece of spirituality. I felt by helping people I was making a difference in the world. I worked with men and woman sleeping on the street and when I had worked for months and finally giving them a key to a unit after them having had no home for some times 20 years and just looking at their faces. Was the most spiritual feeling I could ever have had. It kept me grounded in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I would work with a poor man over a rich man any day of the year. This to me was the essence of spirituality truly being there for some one in a in selfless acts. Now the tables have turned and I have been homeless for a year. Firstly because I had to give up work to get well, and I didn’t get well ?i had to work to keep house paid and because of my addiction I had to stop work and get well which I thought would be a short process but I didn’t stop using cause I had no stable base. I then fell I love with a guy that had years away from drugs a near decade. He said I will tAke care of you and you will have some where to live. I was vulnerable and trusted him, he then started using my weaknesses to control me. He would rage over things that were not my problem,he would get jealous, insecure, read my phone , diaries and anything about me he could get his hands on. He would then touch me in places that I didn’t like and even if I did tell him that he would keep going. He would make me feel like I didn’t know who I was. I started to feel weak inside. What could I do if I left I would be homeless, one day he was so angry that he tried to scare me in a car. He deliberately drove it sideways and trapped me in the car when I shook and begged and cried to be let out. He didn’t let me out he kept me inside trapped. I later asked why or how he didn’t let me out and his reply was because you would have run off. He said his sorry’s again and he’ll never rage and never risk my life and then he would always do it again. I was so lost I wanted to leave but had no home or no where safe to go. I was trapped. Again I was in domestic violence and didn’t even know it,he had a the power the house, money and knew if I left it would be hard. Finally my parents came and stayed and he couldn’t contain his issues and he finally felt like he was losing control, so my mother plucked me out of there and I am now homeless with no housing options and things have been extremely hard. I am traumatised too and feel like ending my life as its hard to see out of this. I feel like after helping thousands of people find homes why if there was something out there helping me, why can’t I get helped. This brings me to the question of why things are like this and if there was god why don’t I deserve it. My year has turned out into,unemployment, trauma, addiction, domestic violence, severe depression, beating myself up, pregnancy / miscarriage and more. Why do I even deserve this life. I can say I’m a pselfish disgusting ***** who deserves to be in the place I am. Cause I am so damaged from this year all I can do is beat up on myself I’ve got nothing kind to myself to say. I’m full of worthlessness and I would prefer to die than have another life like this. And there’s relief in death there’s a light at the end of the tunnel it’s finally ended all the struggling. I mean it could be a cop out as some people see and selfish but for me its relief even having that option makes me feel relieved. I ve tried to be happy, I’ve tried to get myself right and I keep having horrible experiences and that keeps adding to the trauma. So I feel relieved that I don’t have to go on living that I can find relief from taking my own life. That’ it’s all going to be over and that in then ect chapter people who love me can stop worrying and I can be free. I want to be free the hunger of life and the dissapointment it brings. You can see how the happiness just shines in people when they make that decision. Cause there’s no more fighting and not being able to breathe. I am trapped no longer. I can be free of bad luck,I don’t have to worry about solving all these problems. I don’t have to feel like a loser with nothing, I can no longer stay alive because other people want me to be, I don’t have to be scared , I don’t have to live up to societies expectations and other people’s expectations. Suicide is freedom and it is the unknown. Is it ok to be afraid of the unknown but more scared of the known. God take me now my time has come. This is where I was suppose to be on the other side, maybe I am needed there more than I ever was here, I’m less afraid of death than ever before cut this life short. I know the road ahead and nothing lies there. If I had of had that baby things would be different and I would love that child because it’s the essence of spirituality but that along with many choices has gone. The cruelust of all was taking the heart beat of the little babies away and having the only thing that I’ve ever wanted ripped from my heart. The one happiness that I needed to stay alive die. I was the most grief stricken I’ve ever felt. So angry it was stolen and when that baby died so did I. My last chance and you say its loving well I died that day. I’m not afraid of the death that’s coming I’m afraid of the life I’m living. Rest in peace I will be die very soon and that brings joy to my heart xxx
9 comments
hei, you seem a wonderful person, you do care and help others. just play a game- think your life was mine. what would you say to me? to stop, take a deep breath and start all over. most of us don’t make the right choice for ourselves, but i think you have the power to start do the right thing for you. as for what is happening in hell, don’t worry, we’ll be too busy shaking hands with our friends!
as for our babies, yes, it’s true what you said,we have to learn to live with that. but look around you, there are so many people who need us, children without families, to them is important even to say hello. don’t go yet.
This must have been extremely traumatizing, and it still is. So you helped people? And who was there when you needed help? You are not selfish. you met a fucked up boyfriend who treated you like shit. Wow he really is a piece of shit. You know what… I dont like helping others except for on here. And why? They would never help me. I know it deep in my heart. Alot of people just take and dont give. Ok i might sound like a selfish prick because im mentioning homeless people. So you ended up homeless later, and nobody was there to help. you tried to help others. I am sorry that you have had a terrible life. Idk where we go when we die.
You seem like an intelligent and kind person and if you have helped people that much … That is amazing. I dont think there are many like you in this world. I am just disgusted at how he treated you and how your mom treated you grr this world makes me sick
i really hope that you can find peace somehow,,. Maybe you could go to a womans shelter? I do not think that anything can take away the hurt and pain of a miscarriage. If you do suicide you wont feel pain or hurt anymore and maybe you will meet your baby in death. No i dont really encourage suicide… I wish i had some half decent advice i could give you. I hate that society expects people to be a certain way. I hate that people judge each other… Life isnt any game we cant just press a ‘delete’ button and start again. There are many people suffering in endless pain (emotional and/or physical) for years upon years. And they say ‘time heals all wounds’. I call bullshit
I am so sorry for all that you have been through and you’ve done so well to get through all that.
I too have been homeless and I also lost a baby years ago and wondered if I would meet her someday…longed to and still do.
I also had many questions about how a good God could allow such pain, not just the awful horrible pain of an abusive and neglectful childhood, but others’ pain…the pain and suffering I saw all around me.
Then my life did change… I heard about a God who loved me, had a plan for my life and if I just believed that Jesus did die for me, to forgive everything that I’d AND OTHERS had done wrong and asked Him to be in my life then He would… I wanted healing so much, but it sounded such a cliche and I still had doubts…
But I had no hope and I decided to try, I accepted Jesus death for me and others and called out to God and He did answer me… little by little circumstances began to change and most of all I felt His presence with me.
You have immense value, and I believe God does have a plan for your life, He knew you in your mothers womb and knows the pain you are feeling now. He also knows the child you lost and I believe that child is with Him now..
He is the only one who will still be there for you when others have left. He allows bad things to happen, not because He is evil or powerless but because He allows humans to have free will (choice) and some things, for reasons we don’t understand just happen…like genetic problems (I have a genetic condition and I don’t understand why God wouldn’t change that, or why I would lose my baby but I trust that He is good and He will explain one day).
It takes huge courage just to get through another day, hour, minute when you feel so bad, but I believe you can and will…be kind to yourself, you have been through so much and it will take time to recover. You talk about how giving the people you worked with their key to their home was so rewarding because their lives were changed so much…a change for you could be just around the corner, like it was for them, the week/month before they got their place. I imagine you’d have encouraged them to hang in there, and you saw the results when they did.
I prayed for you and the following verses from the bible came to mind: 1 John verses 9-12…
This is how His showed His love among us: He sent His one and only son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another, God lives in us and His love if made complete in us.
You can get through this, I’m thinking and praying for you lots. Take care
thank you for your kindness and positive thoughts! you have a genetic problem yet you have found the strenght to cope with it, to accept it. that is really great! but what works for one, maybe won’t work for others.
Hang in there. Im sorry that asshole caused you so much pain but dont let that define you. Dont let him define you. Youre worthy of the best!
i dont want to hear about God. but this isnt my post, and some believe in him… Up to them. I sure dont