Coming up on that date, August 30th, that night last year when I should have (and maybe actually did) die.
I still go back there often not to remember that night but for other reasons unrelated.
So what has happened in a year? I believe I am here for a reason. I found out some people care, some don’t. Overall, I could still be happy leaving this world,, although I have found someone to love, and someone I know loves me, which makes things different in a better way.
Peace to all.
Just a reminder, I should be dead, really, there is no explanation of how I am alive, seriously. It should give some hope here, because I went through with it, yet am here.
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I remember the time when I woke up on my bed, wondering to myself how I am still alive, empty blister pack scattered on the floor and a new bottle of vodka, half empty standing on the bookshelf. A suicide note on my chair that my flatmates hadn’t noticed when they found me unconscious on the floor despite the noose in my closet because, like everywhere else in my room it was covered in vomit. Not that it said anything important- my final summary of all that had led me to this point encapsulated in the words “I’m tired” with my signature below.
Unlike you, I don’t remember what day it was, but I used to think that all the time I had since then is like ‘bonus time’. If I had died then, nothing I achieved since would have happened, and yet if I should be dead already, then I have nothing to lose. I felt that way for around a year. It’s very empowering, but it didn’t make me want to die any less.
I guess the real milestone of depression is how far you’ve come in defeating it, rather than the number of days you can live with it. We all die eventually.
Nonetheless, congratulations on your year.
Love really does conquer all.