I grew up raising myself from age 8 onwards. Prior to that I witnessed my elders shooting up cocaine, having sexual relations and committing violent acts.
My mother was 16 when i was cut out of that wretched *****. I hate(d) her with everything in me. Maybe hate was the wrong word but DESPISE definitely isn’t. When I was four years old I tried to kill her. I remember it vividly. When it came to crunch time I regretfully saved her life. (((To protect my anonymity im not going to reveal the method)))
Four years later I was cooking my own meals, tucking myself in and sending myself off to school because she was never there.
Four more years go by and now I am 12. I became a gang member and criminal. I stole, assaulted, robbed and sold drugs. Dropped out of school and was in and out of jail constantly.
Four more years go by and I am 16. Now I’ve hitchhiked to a big city and am livong on the streets. I become addicted to very bad drugs. Still in and out of jail for dope, stealing and assaults. I eat out of the trash in mall food courts and panhandle to survive.
Four years later I am 20. I recently quit hard drugs. I leave the big city and move into my mothers porch as she would not allow me in the house. I start working a normal job for the first time in my life. I hate it. I relapse once on drugs and quit again. I hate my life. I cant find happiness no matter what I do. So I start traveling. I hitchhike and hop freight trains to get places.
Eightish years later I am approachin 30. I still live outside. I still hitch and hop freight trains. I still panhandle. Im still miserable.
Im short, fat and have micropenis so I havent had a girlfriend in 12 years and am so damned ashamed of myself I cant bring myself to try for fearof being laughed at. Im very angry for the life ive been cursed with. Angry as all hell. Im sad about my pitiful chances at life. Sad enough that I self mutilate and cry regularly.
I feel like I should become a bible thumper so that I may actually have a chance at a family. I think ive seen the other side. I believe….
Im scared.
I cant do this life thing anymore.
Im leaving soon. .
7 comments
I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. Nothing that is negative in your life has to be permanent. You can change things and become a successful, happy person. This life thing is difficult, but it can be better. To me it sounds like you want to have hope for a better life, but can’t see anything but the darkness that has always surrounded you. There is hope. It’s out there. And you can achieve happiness. You just gotta work at it. Coming on here was a good step in the right direction.
Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, so never be afraid to ask. Try to stay positive. Positive thinking can help to influence our lives in ways that seem impossible.
@FreedomAndMisery Some of us have been cursed with a cruel fate. It seems you’ve had a pretty bad hand dealt to you. I’m sorry about what happened with your mother, it’s sad. However, I think you could still make an attempt to find a girl who would love you. If that’s something that would stop you from killing yourself then it’s worth it trying, you’ve got nothing to lose.
I wish snuffles were awake right now. His past is somewhat similar to yours and he could probably offer you some solid advice.
Well, he does normally but this is more up his alley than most things. Give him some time to wake up. He’s on here everyday.
Also no, I personally am not better off than you. I’m 27, have mental illness including psychosis and terrible social anxiety, unable to function in society, don’t have any friends. Alcohol and weed have destroyed what was left of my mind and sanity. All there is now is pain, misery and emptiness
sounds like me minus the psychosis although i think weed on some occasions brought out some type of psychosis of which the experience scared the fuck out of me and have never understood till this day that was years ago and i dont touch weed anymore for some reason i reacted bad to it when i started having severe anxiety issues and never did previously to that when i didnt…stress and anxiety and drugs and alcohol all toghether have fucked me up severely
@JadedGuy yeah it’s a pile of bullshit how weed is an innocent drug. It fucks your mind up intensely. Granted, some get away with it but most people either become stupid stoners or get psychosis/schizophrenia like I do. It’s a trigger. I don’t touch it anymore either I used to get pleasure from it but not anymore. It just gives me paranoia. KIDS, DON’T DO DRUGS. lol
streets are absolutely horrible i have lived on the streets and gone through absolute hell for about the last 10 years of my life and i am now almost 30…the worst thing is i was such a good person and happy up until around 18 when my parents divorced…i got kicked out of my dads house for almost no reason at all and i am still angry to this day about ..getting kicked out started my life on a path to hell…i picked up a drinking problem spent much time living at my moms or going from place to place renting or living on the street after i also got kicked out of her place and during all that time i have endured so much nightmares and stress and anxiety and not to mention the fact doing alot of dumb shit getting drunk as fuck all the time because i couldnt deal with life and always made my situations even worse…my mom is the most evil person i have ever met she is so fucking evil even her boyfriend she has now calls her a monster and the fact they are even still together amazes me ….my time on the streets was absolute hell and i came from a normal life in a good home and my evil mom ruined our entire family and my dad kicked me out the house for stealing money which was the only bad thing i had ever done my whole life but he became an alcoholic too after my mom left him and he became very depressed and angry so that had alot to do with but i still cannot believe how my life has turned out trust me its been just excruciating and i know you know the pain just by reading your story…..i have deperately wanted to kill myself many times but never have been able to figure out how to do it or have the guts to do the job….a living hell is what we get to deal with because this world is so damn cruel when you get trapped in bad situations ….i have lost everything and everyone and there is only pain and not to mention my own guilt from believing i turned into a bad person after the horrible shit that happened to me and the booze and misery which caused me to do stupid shit that i dont even know all the trouble i have caused from blacking out so much and left feeling guilty…i did not deserve a bad life and you did not either sounds like you had no chance from the very beginning…i want out this world really bad i have lost everything and has turned me psychotic and helpless….so anyways just sharin a bit of my situation and i feel your pain …btw a question…what makes people want to be a gang member i despise gangs because they make peoples lives even worse and i hate violence do gang members actually enjoy the life while their in it or is it actually miserably on the outside and just put on a tough front to protect themselves…i know all people arent the same so just wondering your perspective i have always feared gang type people and thats just my personality i could never fit in with again so ya just wondering if you can give your view….anyways thats all for now i am angry as hell and feel cursed just like you life aint fair and i wish it was