What is Suicide Project really about?

reclusivedragon–

I think I can relate to what you are saying… For me, it’s less about crying and more about physical pain and about regret. We could be at different points in our lives – or our perspective might be due to our just being different people.

I have a bunch of things in my past brought me here: serious child abuse and a cold family. Even though I got counseling and did all the right things, abuse (emotional, physical and sexual) was a “gift” that kept on giving. As a kid, I never had a role model for a healthy, loving relationship and grew up thinking they were normal parents.

My parents blatantly refused us any kind of affection; they seriously believed cuddling and affection would “spoil” us – so we got none beyond a very very young age. As an adult, I was quite unprepared to enter into a loving and healthy partnership with another adult. Thank goodness I was smart enough never to have kids. Hard as I tried to be a loving and caring partner, I’d never learned the “how to” of a good relationship. Try as I may, my relationships failed over and over. Of course, this was my own. Many times when I tried to be loving or affectionate i physically felt like I was suffocating.

I was extraordinarily lucky academically. Not only was education very easy for me, I loved it and found it very easy to win scholarships. I went quite far in getting a great education. 🙂

That was offset by not having the best of luck health wise (physically). So at the time I should have been pursuing a career, I was struck with a chronic, catastrophic illness and became severely disabled. (It is very obvious to the naked eye – so it’s not hypochondria). This probably sounds like an ode to self pity – please understand that I accept that MY lousy choices, for the most part, put me here.

At my age, opportunities are all in the past. I’m no longer the bright young person with a stellar resume and a world of opportunity open to me. A combination of things and events came together to bring me here. The chance of things changing are nil – unless some wonderful person came into my life. Not going to happen.

I’m VERY fortunate that the physical pain is well controlled and my care givers are very willing to do whatever to control my pain. I will also say, up front, that while my health problems are indeed trying, I’ll take what I have over the medical or mental health issues that others have any day. I know very well that while my situation does suck there are many people out there who have it far worse.

I’m acutely aware that things can go south at any time. I want the right to decide when enough is enough. I have no intention of enduring months of months of treatment if a cancer diagnosis is in my future. Why would I agree to endure surgery and chemo when my quality of life is already marginal? Further, I refuse to keep slogging along should i discover I have some form of dementia. Sorry. Not for me.

I believe that we all should have the legal and ethical right to determine what we can tolerate and what we cannot. Especially beyond a certain age. I am very concerned when I read about some 18 or 19 year old person who is determined to commit suicide. I just want to shake them – at that age most people don’t even have a realistic concept of what life means – and they are already choosing death? I try not to be judgmental, but at that age suicide should not even be in the picture – unless they are suffering from terminal illness of some sort. Never because their boyfriend or girlfriend has left them – even though the breakup of relationships is, of course, (temporarily) agonizing.

I’m adamantly opposed to capital punishment for a lot of reasons. We are not the same persons we were 30 years ago… Heck, I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago! Of course, there are fundamentally awful people in the world – like Ted Bundy – who could never be set free without endangering everyone. It’s astounding to me that the US is so in favor of executing healthy people while vehemently opposing the rights of people with sound minds to decide to terminate their own existence. (And what about death row inmates who attempt suicide? They patch them up just so the state can be the one to turn around and throw the switch. That’s just cruel).

Am i on the brink of dying by my own hand? No, absolutely not. If I were, I wouldn’t tell anyone – I’d just get it over with. However, I won’t hang around indefinitely. I have a crew of pets to whom I’ve promised a healthy & happy life. The love I’ve gotten in this world has come from animals – I could never even contemplate checking out and leaving them holding the bag. Once my little ones are gone, I’ll have nothing left to live for. I’m not crazy or particularly depressed. Just brutally realistic.

Fact: every living creature is marching to the grave. At my age, it’s common to die from heart attack and cancer. Next fact: we all die from something. Fact three: most elderly people who are autopsied have some form of cancer – active or not. Fact 4: if you live long enough, cancer is almost inevitable. Fact 5: If you live long enough, your organs start to fail. Bottom line: I want to be the one to choose, I refuse to be passive and allow my body to decide.

Like a lot of other adults, I’ve considered death quite realistically. Death became real, for me anyway, on 9/11. Heights terrify me, so I watched the leapers in absolute horror. I was faced with the question about what I would have chosen: to burn alive or jump. I knew someone (vaguely) who died when the North Tower collapsed. Up until then, I was blissfully naive that the authorities could save anyone in a situation like that. Now I know better. After 9/11, it became crystal clear that no one gets out of life alive. I’m not sure why I was in a such a denial bubble up until then. But I lost my innocence on 9/11. Damn Mohamed Atta and has merry band!

We all die eventually – some sooner, some later. I don’t want to be an elderly, frail person whose body/mind has failed me. I wish I lived in a state where assisted suicide was legal. As a nurse, I know with certainty that medicine has the capability to make suicide peaceful and painless for those who qualify under the law.

I feel no empathy for the “devoutly religious” (and others) who oppose all laws allowing for choice. It’s their fear and hysteria that have frightened legislators away from passing humane laws on assisted suicide. I admit that I don’t understand the disabilities rights types who claim that my choice in some weird way bespeaks of victimhood. No, in fact, their right wing hysteria leaves me stuck with haphazard suicide methods that could fail or leave me a complete vegetable. That’s victimhood. Taking away choice makes us victims of the system that does not respect human dignity.

I wish the ideologues and fanatics would keep their laws to themselves. Let’s stop pretending that death doesn’t claim every last one of us. In my book, it’s my personal right to decide when, how, and why I exit this life.

As for judging the motives of others – that’s something I lack the wisdom to do competently.