I’m in such a dark place right now. I hope maybe someone will be able to relate, and tell me I’m not alone. I’ve lost a friendship that was very valuable to me. Heartbreak, despair, despondence… this is my world right now.
Background: depression and suicidal thoughts (and attempts) since childhood; lengthy episodes of near-total isolation as an adult. A suicide attempt in my teens earned me a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder, and I’ve spent nearly 2 decades complying with treatment – medication, intermittent periods of therapy, consistent check-ups.
A couple decades in, and nothing is working. The isolation, depression, loneliness… they’re getting worse all the time. Attempts at forming and sustaining intimate friendships and relationships are not successful and lead to greater unhappiness.
In my opinion, suicide is a very personal choice, and one which doesn’t necessarily need to be justified. That said, I believe it is justified in my case, but I don’t know that that’s really what I want to do. I just want relief from this crippling, debilitating sadness. I don’t see how I can stand another week like this, not to mention months and years.
My depression had lifted quite a bit when I met and started getting closer to my (former) friend. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I’m quite certain I developed an addiction to him. After about a year of regular contact (which he, not I, aggressively pursued), I started experiencing a dopamine rush when I would hear from him. It does, quite literally, help me feel “normal” in way that’s similar to SSRI antidepressants (and even more effective, albeit short term). When he inexplicably pulled back and limited our contact, the dopamine rush would keep me feeling “normal” for about 48 hours, after which I’d get a little twitchy when I didn’t hear something from him. I ignored the twitchiness initially, but over time I was forced to accept less and less interaction as he pushed me away. The depression quickly came back with a vengeance. It’s been about a month with no real contact, the longest we’ve ever gone without some kind of meaningful interaction. I don’t hear from him anymore, and I’ve finally given up trying to rekindle things.
So now, back into isolation. The “withdrawal” is hell on earth, and the void feels deeper and darker than it ever has before. I’m not young; I don’t have my whole life ahead of me. I feel like I’ve done my best, given it a fair shot, and it’s just not working. I don’t know what to do. And I know no one here can give me answers.
I’m just reaching out in the dark, hoping for some friendly interaction.
17 comments
Hi lost… I can provide friendly interaction. 🙂
Hey there Whisper, that’s the best news I’ve had all week! Thanks 🙂
(And even more good news – I see the comments have an “edit” function. I’m sure I’ll be using that on a regular basis)
Hi. I understand how you feel. I’m here if you want to talk.
Thanks, LostSoulmate. Looks like you’re in a very painful situation too — so sorry to see that.
Yes I am. I lost the most important person in my life. I haven’t written my story yet. I was reading other people’s first. I am sorry that you are going through depression too. It’s horrible. But I understand how you latched on to your friend and needed to have contact with him. My loss just happened tonight. How have you made it a month?
LostSoulmate, I honestly don’t know how I’ve gotten through the past month. It’s been brutal. But in reality, the whole year, from about mid-December 2013 has been a prelude to this. The changes started that far back. If I’d just accepted what was happening and stopped second guessing myself, I might have been able to salvage the summer, at least.
If you’re like me, and these events make it hard for you to get enough sleep, I’d encourage you to prioritize getting as much sleep as you can. I think that made a difference.
LostSoulmate, I’m heading to sleep, but I feel that I haven’t given as thorough an answer as you deserve. I know just how dark and empty those first endless days and nights seem. Oddly enough, of all things, a family bereavement during the first week actually helped me in the beginning. I had to travel out of town for the funeral, I was surrounded by family, and I had an excuse to cry. It was enough of a distraction to get me through the first few days. After that, I spent much of the past few weeks vacillating between intense grief and an emotional “flatness”.
If you have family and friends, or any kind of support network, now is the time to lean on them. I think part of my problem is that I have no one to confide in (well, until now!). If you have people who can help, don’t try to go it alone.
I did consider going to ER a few times. I’m not at all against suicide, but I strongly believe it should only be done after careful consideration. If you’re thinking about harming yourself, consider heading to the ER or a crisis center. You can always revisit the idea later on, once you’re thinking more clearly.
Lost, you’re not by chance from California are you?
Only reason I ask is I’ve lost a friendship and you sound like that friend. And we haven’t talked in over a month. You’re probably not her, but it sounds familiar. What made this person your ”former” friend?
Hi Afflicted,
I say “former” friend because there’s nothing there resembling friendship anymore. I’m not sure we’d even qualify as acquaintances at this point. Do you miss your friend? Was there a specific ending point, or did the two of you just drift apart (or, as in my case, one drifted and the other couldn’t stop the separation)? If it were up to you, would you still be in contact?
Thanks for your reply, and feel free to ignore the questions. I’m just curious. Friendship seems like it can be such a wonderful thing, but the way they seem to end sometimes, without rhyme or reason, confuses me.
Some things are not meant to be.
I lost my wife of 14 years, best thing that ever happened to me, although I didn’t see it that way until much later.
And now I am here tot ell you, you can find someone else, because I did, and I am not young either. You just have to go through this typeof thing for a reason , and sometimes you won’t know what that is until much later (as in my case).
Stick around though You are worth it 🙂
Put all those feelings outward. I have also struggled with depression most all of my life. Four years ago I met my perfect soulmate. He was my mirror. I never felt more comfortable with anyone in my whole life (I’m not young either). And last summer he shot himself. I have mostly just been wondering through life since then, being bitter and jaded and suicidal myself. But I saw what losing him did to his family and I cant do that to mine. So I decided to turn it all outward. Everyday I try to go out of my way to help someone, because I figure everyone is fighting their own battle. If I can say or do one thing that makes a difference in someones day then that is where I find the value in living. I couldn’t help him because he didn’t let me know how he felt, so I will just go out of my way to be kind to everyone I meet because I dont know what they are feeling either. If you are looking for someone to relate then I will tell you I relate to your pain. I am never happy to wake up, but after I get over waking up I try to make some purpose in my day through someone else. It actually helps me forget my own problems by just considering what someone else’s problems might be and hoping that maybe I will help them(even if I never know it). Thank you for your words and I’m sorry I don’t have answers to offer you, but YOU have helped ME just by reaching out. I hope your tomorrow is beautiful, even if you are not the one who see’s the beauty. Press on kindred spirit and may God bless you!
PeelaSquid, thanks for the encouragement – I’m glad things eventually got better for you. I don’t know that it will happen that way for me, but I’m inclined to give it some more time and see what happens.
Sam, I’m so sorry for your loss, but it means a lot to me that you took the time to share your experience. It does make a difference to know that you care.
Everyone, thanks for the kind words – they are very much appreciated.
Lost, did you see my reply?
scratch that, sorry*
Yes there was somewhat of an ending point. I told her goodbye before I was to end my life in July. She’s been where I was, and she knows how it is to suffer with depression and anxiety and she was the only person I wanted to say goodbye to. I thought she’d understand, but she didn’t. She ended up contacting my gf at the time and long story short I did not go through with it. And we haven’t spoken since. Not hardly a day goes by that I don’t miss her or think about her. This post got me to finally text her, but she hasn’t told me why we don’t talk anymore. I’m afraid I’ve lost the only person who knew me, and how I felt. We were there for each other. Although we had started drifting apart lately before that, I knew if I need her, she’d be there. And Vice-verse. Now I feel more alone that ever before. And I just don’t know that I can deal with it on my own. I think she might even feel the same way. She’s also been dealing with a lot. We were friends for a few years. I think after a while you start to almost take each other for grant it. Not even meaning to, it just happens. I don’t know if she’ll text me back. If she does I’m terrified of what she’ll have to say. I mean I don’t think she can be to mad about that day in July, as I’ve been there for her during her rough spells in and out of the ”hospital”. Sorry to hear about your friendship going south. Friendships don’t always come easy, at least not for me. I wish you the best!
Thanks for sharing your experience, AfflictedSmile. Friendships don’t come easily for me, either, and it’s so hard to let go after finally making a connection. I hope your text opens the lines of communication, and starts you on the path of rekindling your friendship. All the best to you too : )