Here i am, unable to sleep once again. It has been becoming more regular lately. Thinking of the failures of my life. The failures bound to take their place in my life eventually, who knows how many more there could be. I feel like it’s getting closer to the day that i just give into these thoughts. I just want it to come to an end. An abrupt, swift end.
Now for a little back story i guess (sorry in advance in if i get carried away). When i was in primary school, i was bullied to the point where an eight year old (myself) wanted to die. The other kids never let up on the beating or the hurtful comments. I would try to shrug them aside and act as if i didn’t care, but in reality it was all i thought about. I had no friends throughout primary school. Not a single one. The only person i looked forward to seeing when going to school was the school counselor at the time. She ended up taking a job in another town. The new counselor was useless. I hated seeing him. I always went out of there feeling just as miserable if not more so than when i went in. Eventually i stopped going to see him as it wasn’t helping me. I no longer had a friend any friends again. The quality in my school work started to drop and i became more lazy, refusing to do homework or household chores. Throughout the rest of primary school nothing changed, i was still friendless and was almost being in danger of failing my classes (i don’t know about other schools, but it was very difficult to fail a class in the school i was attending at the time). I ended up passing but only thanks to my mother talk the teachers into giving me a pass.
As secondary school started things started to look hopeful. A couple of new kids came to the school and one of the was a little “strange”, or so the other kids in my class thought, so me and him started to become good friends. My work slowly started to improve again but as quickly as things had started to go well, they plummeted to the ground again. The family of the kid i had become friends with ended up moving, so once again i was left with no one. For the next couple of years things stayed the same. I was around 13 when my family decided to move from the small town we were living in to a much larger town as my mother couldn’t get a job in the small town. This gave me a glimmer of hope. “With that many people there is no way i could have no friends” i thought. It turned out i was right. I made a few friends pretty quickly and things seemed to be going well. But then, before i got too comfortable, i remembered how all the other people i had called friends had left me. And so began my trust issues. I started to be a little more distant with my friends trying not to get too attached, not wanting to be hurt as i couldn’t bear the thought of losing these friends too. I ended up getting so distant from them that i shut them out completely.
Before i had shut out these friends, i gained a couple more friends, one of which i ended up feeling quite strongly for. A bit of time passed and we hung out quite a lot. Eventually we started dating. I was only 16 at the time, it may have been the fact that i hadn’t had anyone i was this close to, or maybe it was the just that i was young and naive, but i thought she was the one. She is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. For some time it seemed as if we would too. We saw many friends get into relationships and break up throughout our relationship, it seemed like we were a relationship built to last. But then, after 2 and a half years she ended it. This hit me so hard, only a person who had been in a similar situation could understand. At this point i had one or two friends left, and neither of them understood just how much this event had destroyed me. 2 and a half years of happiness after 16 years of misery. 2 and a half years with a person i thought i would be with till the day i die.
And this brings us to where i am now, a year later, sitting here, unable to sleep, wondering just how long i will hold of the urge to end my pathetic existence. I have no job, no friends, can’t bring myself to go to school enough to get a pass. Living off government support which will soon stop because of the recent government changes, or at least to my knowledge it will. All i know for certain is that I’m severely running out of ideas on how to continue my life. How does someone live a life they have no interest in? How does someone find enjoyment when there is nothing they find enjoyable? To be perfectly honest, the idea of suicide is not a pleasant one for me to think of, but it is seeming like the only viable option i have left. If i had 1 wish, i would not wish for money, i would not wish for a wife, i would not wish for happiness… I would wish that i could give a person who died my life. Someone who didn’t want to die. I see myself as a waste of a life, and anyone could do better with it than i am.
To anyone who reads this, thank you for taking the time out of your day to give my story a read. Hope you all have a better day than i am having.
5 comments
Wish I had words to make you feel better but I’m not good at that. Hugs.
at this point even that comment was enough for today. As they say, its the thought that counts
Hi, as most people here will say, you are not alone. Most people here are stuck in a rut as well, with little to zero support from family and friends. I’m sorry that the friends that you have moved away, and I can understand how that can make you feel forlorn. I also have the same wish as you, that I could give my life to someone who has the thirst, the passion to live but could not because of an illness or disease. Anyway, excuse the long comment. Just letting you know that you can talk to people here, share your feelings and thoughts.
You are not alone, and you are still young. Many people here are in similar situations. As to government programs and assistance, there is plenty out there for people like us. Do some research into job corps they will pay for your schooling and even give you a place to live. My state has something called Career Link, I’m not sure if it’s national I think it is, they will also pay for schooling, help you get a job ect. If you have been diagnosed with a mental illness there are many programs available.
I understand where you are coming from as someone who seems unable to feel joy or happiness I know how painful such an existence is. Every day it’s a struggle for me not to end it, the worst part is seemingly being unable to find love and companionship, you seem able to find it though so your situation seems hopeful. As to giving someone else something
I understand how you feel. If I do decide to end it I’ll make sure I end it in such a way where I can still donate my organs to needy people. I figure I can save 8 peoples lives by ending my own. I hope you decide to hang in there though, facing financial difficulty is an extremely difficult thing, but there are plenty of programs out there the government offers to help those of us in these situations.
yeah ill have to have a look into the “career link” thing. I used to have hope with finding companionship but now i have such severe trust issues i can’t let anyone in. I keep to myself as i don’t trust that people will enjoy my company.