Everything has caught up to me again and I am once again obsessed with putting a bullet in my brain. I should have seen it coming – I’ve let things build up. Old ghosts, a recent death of someone once more important to me than life itself, old pain and new pain. The shit has piled up on me and I am suffocating.
I should know better. I should deal with things as they come. But I just can’t. I don’t have that much control over my own life. I am such a useless piece of crap to myself and to everyone around me. It doesn’t matter really. I am just a cog in the wheel. Life will go on without me. Life will go on in finer fashion without me. And so will those that have to tolerate my fucked up existence.
I have been on this Earth far too long. I have been thinking ever since I dodged a bullet in May that there must be something left I must do; some purpose. But that thought has since been crushed and I just want out. I am now angry I survived.
I am done. I am SO done.
3 comments
I’m so sorry you feel that way. I wish there was something I could say that would make things better for you with an outcome that doesn’t involve you leaving this world. I was in so much emotional pain a week ago that I wanted to die but after being on here, talking with people here, reading other people’s stories it was like I woke up one morning and I didn’t hurt so bad. Maybe it’s because I realized that my life is not nearly as bad as it could be or maybe it’s because I laid in bed one night and prayed to God to do whatever he needed to do in my life to take away the pain…and I’m not a church going person. I do believe in God but I know that in the last two years I have became a shame to him…an embarrassment to him so I haven’t had much to do with the whole thought of him since. All I’m trying to say is something changed my feeling in a short time…maybe that can happen for you. I hope you find peace either way.
Nozmoking.. Dude, your comments have helped so many people! So thank you! It’s hard to love ourselves. It’s hard to pick ourselves up, we need each other, there’s no getting around it. Do anything and everything you can to flag someone down you can trust in the real world. There ARE people that can love you like you have cared for so many others.
You are heavy on my heart tonight. Do not give up.
Thanks for your encouragement. Sometimes we can’t swallow our own advice. The sun will set on another day and I guess we’ll see what it brings.