I’m dying over and over again..

I’m alone now, truly, ignored by the people that were in my life. I’ve pushed away now accepting that it is done and I have been spiraling. The weather is changing getting cooler now and for some reason that is making me depressed. I was numb for about 8 months and now all those months of pain that I was suppressing all that anguish that I was ignoring well it’s making its presence known. I have a pain so intense that I can feel it down to my very core, I feel like I’m drowning in it. I have cried so hard lately and felt the pain so intense that I can’t help but hope that I could die. It’s like life is drowning me and right as my body is about to shut down and I am reaching death it pulls me back up and brings me back to life. And this cycle just repeats and I wish that someone would just reach into my chest and rip my heart out. All I want in life is for all this pain and anguish to stop so that I can just be content, to be healthy, have a decent job and to be able to truly forgive and love myself. But it seems like no matter how hard I try no matter what those simple things I want won’t ever happen. And I wish to die simply and truly die, what good am I to this world anyway, just help me die.