I found this site last night when I was in a bad state. I haven’t been suicidal since I was 19 and am now 22, but came here looking for a supportive voice because even though I’ve escaped my battles I still feel the after effects (details in my earlier post). After reading some posts I’m concerned. Remember I have been there and I know how it is. I am being very honest and my comments on how to go, how to not go, motivation and survival preparation are towards the end.
Suicide:
1. If you want to kill yourself that is your choice. Please keep in mind though, death is not pretty or romantic and you still have a responsibility to innocent people out there. Please don’t EVER park your car in front of a train. Imagine if you ended up hurting children. Killing somebody’s sister/dad/best friend in the process or having them find your hanging, blue, eye-bulging carcass from a rope, or ripped open wrists and blood everywhere. You do not want to be responsible for a child seeing that and nobody will understand the pain that blinded you. Honestly pills are the way to go, but only if you are really, really sure you need to go. A doctor will try to save you and new doctors will probably cry when they can’t (I want to be a doctor and I know I would be distraught). And if they do save you, they may also have needed to save a car crash victim at the same time, who had a kid and actually wanted to live. So make sure you are only found when you are definitely dead.
2. You should not want to kill yourself so you can get somebody back and make them feel your blood is on their hands. That is horrible. There are terrible people out there, but the ones you will guilt are the nicer ones that couldn’t help or didn’t know better. The really terrible people honestly won’t care. If you are in so much pain you can’t stand another second of it… then that is your choice, only you can make that decision. But it should only ever be about you, not a vindictive revenge on someone else.
3. If ‘normal’ people are saying ‘what a loss’ over a suicide then they are doing it with good intentions. They don’t see that the person feels better off, because for them it would be horrible. So look at it in context. Most people will not understand and you cannot hate or blame them for not having been through what you have been through. I used to get so jealous that they had such nice lives and didn’t give a shit that I was in hell, but it’s really not their fault. Just like it’s not your fault you are not actively working to stop mining companies destroying the environment or animal cruelty in the farming industry (just examples ha I’m sure some of you are) – it’s something you have no clue about.
Please be responsible if you decide to end your life and I’m sorry for your pain.
Survival:
Everyone has their own journeys and I don’t know what you have been through but reading this site makes me so sad. I honestly do hope you guys will pull through. I’m not in the perfect place yet, but I am a thousand times better than I was and I’m glad I didn’t die. I understand a lot of you are quite young…? Please believe me – when you can get away from the people/family that make you feel like this and become independent, make your own choices and be free, usually it gets better. Not always, but usually. If you are trapped with a wife/husband and you hate your life…. LEAVE THEM! Your kids will be a lot less scarred by a divorce than by their parent killing themselves. Why are you wasting your time in a shit life, if you know what you are worth go out and get what you’re worth. And no self pitying shit – you ARE worth it. You just have to realise it so other people can see too.
1. Motivation and distraction – One difficult thing to come to terms with is that it’s very rare that an amazing person comes along and makes it better for you. Only the very lucky people get that and life isn’t that fair. But YOU can do it. I believe in you. If I did it, trust me, you can too. You just have to want it enough. Do you want to live? Not physically just have a beating heart, but really, properly live? Make it fucking happen. Stand up and fight for your life. You can be happy and you are better than this. Find something that isn’t so painful. Do you love animals? Dedicate to a cause, give some meaning to your life. Knowing that I helped save test animals seriously helped me – you can do this online or get hands on with a group. Volunteer somewhere if you need to get out of your house/away from family. You can volunteer at animal shelters, youth help centres, online emergency phone help from home. Hell – even at school if you tell your teachers you really need a place to go and will help with odd jobs, maybe your art teacher will let you help organise a function. Don’t knock it til you try it and you might just surprise yourself and meet people. And maybe even like it 😉
2. Small things that add up – A business man once taught me this: Invest in yourself. This means for everything. You are worth the effort and how do you expect to improve things if you don’t add value to it. Just like a house getting a new coat of paint. You are worth the effort of getting out of bed each day and making yourself presentable. If small things make you happy, do them! Every little bit counts. Get a plant and put it in your room, to remind yourself of life. This also physiologically helps increase oxygen levels and making your room fresher. If you are in a fresher place you will feel fresher. Do 10 (more if you’re buff) situps/pushups each day. Do your nails in french or aqua or something that isn’t black, so you can feel that little boost of self confidence when you see them. Have at LEAST one shower every day and get into fresh clothes. Go to bed before 11pm, 10 if you can, and be awake and ready by 8. See a psychologist if you can, they can fill out the surrogate parent or friend role until you are back on your feet. I see two! And I have not cried once since I started seeing them. It helps just having one (well… 2) person on my side.
3. Prepare for the bad times – Always have some emergency comfort available. A playlist on your ipod that makes you smile or takes you to another world. Keep a link of a youtube video nearby that always makes you laugh and forget the bullshit – the zombie prank, jack whitehall/any comedian, the zoella and joe shock ball challenge – whatever floats your boat. Have your favourite cooling (healthy!) drink – mine is coconut water. Wear that shirt that makes you feel top shit. If everything is falling to shit, these little things will help you cope until the storm passes.
Anyway. I know how hard it is, I just hope maybe I might have helped some people. The bottom line is that if you think nobody cares, well why else would I spend like an hour writing this novel. I care. If you need any survival advice or motivation feel free to message. I really hope you guys will come out the other end, because I know you can 🙂
coconut
13 comments
Good one. Worth reading
Thank you
I would never choose a way that involved an outside innocent person being caught up in my selfishness. Jumping in front of trains or busses etc is not an option. If I had access to a gun I would ensure minimal mess with a bag over my head.
My chosen method is quite hazardous to other people so I need to fully research preventable methods to not harm other people. Going out bush is a start.
The thing I hate is the need for a distraction rather than a fulfilling existence. I know that I bring this shit on myself and my life choices at 16/17 are why I’m here 10 years on doing fuck all going nowhere in life but it’s too late. Your life gets decided before your brain is fully developed, you either get in or stand on the outside for the rest of time. That might not be true for all but it is for me.
I agree about the comfort zone preparation. I have mood playlists on my phone so daily I can just ride whatever emotion I’m feeling all the way out and be on the next one, if I have an emotion at all.
I do love reading success stories and after reading your last post it’s heartwarming that coming from what you did to maybe not complete escape from the pain but at least a better place. You wrote a lot of good stuff I hope at least one person can take your words and turn around. I wish it could be me.
Suicide is not selfish. I’m the selfish one glad that you’re still here, as I really needed your comment yesterday. For me being happy and having a positive effect is enough of a life purpose. You read my story – I also spent a lot of time being told why I was a bad person by those people and that I was seducing the boys (which I wasn’t, I was raised too innocently for that). I believed them then but now I KNOW I have good intentions and the world needs more good people. Depression often gets the gentle souls, which is very sad because they’re the ones we need.
One of my dreams when I’m older is to adopt. Taking in kids who have nothing and giving them a quality life – wow. That would be amazing 🙂 And it’s purely selfish, because I want that self justification and a family that loves me back. And I’m okay with that!
I’m glad you have comfort measures and enjoy successful stories. It means there is hope. And you are still young, in a rich country… It’s hard to see but you have so much going for you
I didn’t mean selfish that way, poor choice of words. But nobody should have to be dragged in to something I’m doing you know? I don’t know the right articulation lol sorry
I can tell you’re not a bad person because you have heart and you spoke of your desire to see others be happy because you’ve been through it and you know it. Doing bad things doesn’t make people bad, having bad intentions does. IMO anyway. But one thing I took from your story is that you are able to recognise that people were bringing you down with lies and you found within your heart that you are a good person and all of that outside noise was all bullshit, other people enforcing their own self wickedness on to you.
I would like to work with disadvantaged youth but I just don’t have it in me to get to that point.
I think that if you ever do adopt a child that child/children will have a fantastic upbringing because you have the path traveled and the heart to give.
I live in a rich country yes, run by absolute callous, heartless scum, I live in the biggest city but can’t make a go of life. The more there is the less I am.
Okay good, I was just worried you felt guilty for not wanting to live. Yeah sometimes it takes a lot to realise that you are not actually a bad person and you need to listen to yourself instead of other people. And you are not a bad person! Trust yourself more and be nice to yourself.
Thank you for your kind words 🙂 If you are still here and still able to dream and talk about your dreams… then it can happen. We need people like you, helping people like you, because we’re the only ones who can slightly understand and reach them. Imagine how great it would feel to get to that point. And to be able to stop someone else going through what you did. You could do that.
Funny you should say that – it gets me so down that our own government is killing our GBR and allowing torture in animal farming. And majority of people don’t give a fuck. But do you know what? We are here. We care and we have voices. I truly feel that if you have a cause that you feel strongly about, fighting for it can help you so much. It not only gives you self accomplishment but helps get out some anger and direct it towards people who suck lol.
Can I throw some of your advice back at you – you said wake up without thinking about happiness and get on with life, then look back and go ‘hey I was happy then!’. And that is so true, I’ve taken it into practice. Why is it not the same for your life? Wake up and work towards something, help the environment or whatever, then look back and go ‘hey, I have a purpose! I achieved something amazing’. And when you are stable you can move to helping disadvantaged youth. One step at a time but the important thing is you are moving forward. The hardest part is taking the first step
Thanks for your response.
This government really makes even more dirty on the world and wishing to be here. I could rant big time but I won’t lol I just want to lead a revolution and open people’s minds.
I know in my heart I’m not a bad person but at the same time I’m going nowhere, you know? Living in this country and messed up school opportunity, messed up other advantages this country gives over disadvantaged ones and just became a waste of space “the world could use one less man” it’s like, I had my chance and blew it so move on. Every major life decision I went the wrong path.
The truth is I don’t seek happiness I just seek a purpose, a talent, a reason for being here. Someone to share it with. I never found it, it’s not out there for me. Too much judgement. Too much jealousy from me.
I feel the same way, I always wanted to get into healthcare, but due to being screwed up in the head I could never deal with all of the social interaction. I was forced to get jobs where I am by myself as much as possible. I still can’t really hold down a job long. I’m glad someone here is doing good, since so many of us struggle just to get through a day. Every day I wake up I want it to end. Just never do what I did have a mental breakdown while on the internet while people stalking and harassing you are watching.
So many people who come through difficulty just want to help other people get through too. The problem is we need more of these people surviving, because they are the kind ones that this world doesn’t have enough of! If you can make it and come out the other end, we will truly be better off. Thank you for your comment, it gives me hope ha
This was a nice read. Thank you.
Thank you for reading
This made me happy! You certainly have some understanding of us all, haha! Well said buddy 🙂
Thank you, I hope I can give you a little push on your journey to surviving. Sometimes people just need someone who believes in them!