I can’t

I have depression. Everyday it’s a big struggle to get up and out of bed. Part of the reason is because it’s near impossible to fall asleep between the tears and the suicide plans I plan but am too tired to act out. I’ve been on antidepressants for 6 weeks but the give me horrible mood swings and have made me feel worse… I’ve stopped taking them until my doctor can prescribe me a new kind, but that’s not until next week… I’m tired all the time… Everyone says that it’s because the stress and anxiety from the depression tires you out… My ex boyfriend, now best friend says sleeping a lot is good because it’s my body’s way of healing itself but my mom basically says I’m fat and lazy and need to get out of the house… Even on my good days, talking to people verbally is scary and draining because I have to pretend like I can… I have to fake a smile… Even with me family… My best friend is the only one I can just let go in front of… He holds me while I break down and cry… He wipes away my tears and tells me I’m going to be okay and that crying is a good thing right now… He’s also part of the reason I’m depressed… He was the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and I know deep in my heart that he’s my soulmate… I know that sounds naive, but I don’t care… They say when you know, you know, and I do…. He says he doesn’t love me anymore but I don’t believe that… Most people don’t believe in God these days, but I do… I asked him to give me a sign last night before I went to sleep and I had a dream that my ex told me he was falling back in love with me… This has happened on several other occasions too… I don’t want to get my hopes up though…. Not only is he part of the reason I have depression, he’s the only reason I haven’t killed myself… He’s the only person that hasn’t walked out of my life…He’s the only one that has stay, not because he has to, but because he wants to… He had depression when he was younger and he wants to help me through it… My family gives me no support…. He went through it alone knowing what my family is like, he doesn’t want me to do the same… Everyone tells me I should cut contact with him until I’m better because they think the only reason I’m not getting better is because of him, but to be honest, it’s because of everyone else… If my family was more supportive, I wouldn’t be typing this now…. I wouldn’t be up every night crying, wondering if I should call the suicide prevention line… My ex is the reason I’m still alive… If I cut contact with him, I’d be finished… I’m scared as  it is, but going through this completely alone… I wouldn’t survive… Thank you for listening…. I don’t have many people that will…