ophelia

those of you who know the character in the play hamlet know what happens to her. it sort of sums up what is going on in my mind. as in i feel like i am losing it. the swing of emotions i am experiencing is exhausting. anger, deep sadness, tears that come from nowhere, and an urge to kill myself. while i am supposedly making progress by letting myself express these emotions, it is the unpredictability of the whole mess that is getting me. i have been suicidal since i was a child so of course that will emerge from the pit as well. i was all ready to go recently but the hubby sensed something was up so plan a was postponed. don’t know for how long . kind of to the point where i don’t care. die today, die tomorrow who cares? big deal. i have made promises to make phone calls when the need arises but i can’t honestly say if i will make that call. i have a very well developed stubborn streak. and when she is in charge its fuck everyone i am out of here. then there is wallpaper me. she advocates keeping my mouth shut and just fading away to invisibility. erase myself from existence no one will notice or care for that matter.  she can be quite convincing, feed everyone (myself included) a line of bs and don’t let anyone get too close. as the song says hanging on in quiet desparation. oh what a fucked up mess i have become.