I really don’t know why I’m doing this. When I first told someone about my ..situation, she said that maybe even though everything felt unbearable at the moment, it could get better later.

It’s not like that for me. Everything is always unbearable. The way I feel, and sometimes don’t feel, scares me. I’m tired of not being able to go through my life without thinking I really should kill myself.

I’m tired of the part of me always making excuses, always thinking “what about your parents? How will they feel?” and I’m very tired of feeling like I’m faking all the time. I’m tired of my life and since I have what many people would call a nice life, I’m ashamed for feeling like this. And guilty too.

I don’t know when this started, this feeling of not belonging. I’ve been struggling with this for about 15 years, probably. And I think I sabotage my life in the small things. I think that if I’m happy I won’t have the need for these thoughts, so if even then they continue, it will mean that something is really wrong with me, and I’m very afraid of that.

There was a time when I cut myself, because I lived alone and noone could see the scars. Unfortunately even that escape valv is shut because I’m living with my parents again, so I must be the perfect young woman searching for the job of her dreams, with her whole life ahead of her. Just faking all this hope is so tiring, sometimes I can’t think properly when night arrives.

The really stupid part is I have some hopes and dreams. But I know that, unconsciously, I’ll stop me from achieving anything, so I should just find the courage to end it all, and save my parents the trouble of taking care of me.

I’m really sorry for posting this but it’s 4am, my best friend is asleep and she works tomorrow, I wn’t wake her up, it was either this por I don’t even know, crying myself to sleep out of guilt for being a burden on others, and hoping to choke on my tears while sleeping.