I don’t deserve to be happy, because I don’t have enough experience to connect with others in proper way, without neurotic symptoms. I have lived in my own world too long. I thought I have managed it because I have found friends on college, and had very strong relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years. But I was breaking the rules: I used to push my boundaries, I’ve used magical thinking when I didn’t have time or intelligence to do things right (like I’ll be funny girl, although I used to isolate myself in school, I’ll be good student although I was losing all my time on binge-eating, I’ll be good psychologist although I was losing all the new social experiences because of avoidance), I used to live in a past (faking self-esteem in everything), trying to hide my defects in personality (problems with self-discipline, binge-eating, procrastination, social anxiety). Now has everything changed, my boyfriends is leaving me, because he thinks I am crazy, people are avoiding me. But I have to work as a psychologist, and I can’t, I can’t work and put up with all that rejection, I just can’t, not because I can’t put up with those feelings, it’s because I start to see things wrong or do inappropriate moves, because of too much pain 🙁 I thought I have got a second chance in life when I’ve got such a good person as a boyfriend, and such a good friends and such a good job, but there is no second chance… Everything is falling apart 🙁 I can’t go through this again 🙁
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
3 comments
After I read your comment…I had to take a smoke break for sure. First off…let me assure you that I have complete empathy for your situation…but the fact that you are a practicing mental health worker…and you made this post…kinda sent me reeling. We kind of assume that the people we go to for help are fairly stable personalities. Your comment confirmed a growing suspicion I had…that people who go into the helping careers, do so initially looking for their own answers, or perhaps to avoid them…and find purpose in helping others because of their empathy.
At first I wasn’t going to comment…and perhaps you are hoping that I hadn’t. hahaha
Then I realized…it isn’t much different for a psychic. They can help others and read their futures…but have no idea about themselves. It must also place an additional burden on you to appear more “normal”…or that you have your shit under control.
The best advice I can give you is to get clinical with yourself. Capiche? Read your OP as if it was a case you were presented with. How would you proceed to help this faceless person? What advice or guidance would you give them? And then follow your own advice.
Sending you Love and Light
Yes… I understand your worries… I decided to study psychology because I was interested in it, and because I couldn’t follow through anything else. Now, I have found my self-esteem in my empathy, kindness and tolerance. I am going on psychotherapy already, but I am lost nevertheless. I work with kids now, and that doesn’t interfere with my condition. But, what can I do know, I am here where I am. I am not good in anything else, and I need people to interact with to stay in reality. I fear that I am bad person. And I feel enormous anxiety because I am such a lost creature, who works as a psychologist. That makes me more suicidal, believe me 🙁
While I don’t mean to be redundant…if you were someone that you were counselling…what would you recommend for that person? Like I said…read your own post from the perspective of someone else…or in other words comment on your own post. Kinda like physician heal thy self ??
Cuz if you tell me that your therapeutic approach and tools are not helpful…that will really increase my concern for the validity of most therapy. Just kidding actually. About my concern. As I stated before…I believe your job just creates an added burden that most of us don’ t have to deal with…but your profession sorta demands that you do follow your own advice doesn’t it? I understand it is hard to get a good perspective on your own reality sometimes…which is why I suggested reading the post as if someone had written it…and figure out what you would recommend for that person to do…and then do it. Kinda like detaching yourself from your own reality momentarily to gain a better perspective.
I am not judging you…hell I have no room to judge you. I was in the Social Work program at university myself…with the intent after the first year to major in psychology…but the issues I had to deal with in lecture were triggering my own PTSD…so I dropped out. haha Yes I did. In hindsight it was the best thing I could do for myself.
You say you are in therapy already? Perhaps it is time to look for a new therapist? Not all therapists are created equal you know. But bottom line….you are responsible for the state of your own mind. Nothing a good cry can’t begin to fix…but using the excuse of suicide to avoid dealing with your emotions is not a good idea…now is it Doc? And as you know…fear is at the root of all of it…now isn’t it? So perhaps it is time to take a good look at what you are really afraid of?
I mean no disrespect…quite the opposite…but the only way through something is through it. You can’t avoid yourself no matter how hard you try…so why not try loving yourself a little more and using positive reinforcements to bring a bit more balance into your life? I hope you find your answers…cuz the world needs you to help yourself so you can continue to help others.