Broken.

All my life, since i was 6, my father mentally and physically abused me. It never really hit me till 2 years ago. I went in deep depression and i just shut down. I attempted to commit suicide twice, but i never really could do it. I guess i was scared to leave, or maybe i just didn’t have the guts. So i turned to cutting. This year has been the worst for me. Everyone that has said they were going to stay, left.  So i have just shut everyone out. I don’t have many friends because i shut them up before they have a chance to hurt me. Its hard for me to trust, actually i don’t really trust at all. My heart is broken and im not sure if it’ll ever get better.  I have thoughts of suicide everyday. I cant sleep at night because im scared of my dreams, but at the same time when i do sleep i always wish i would never wake up. I’ve tried to stop cutting by wearing a rubber band, but it seems that the urge is getting more and more intense. I find myself popping the rubber band every time something freaks me out or upsets me.  I know eventually people will find out, and im afraid to face that. My mom knows that i have thoughts about suicide, but she never comments on it because she said its just a phase, but a phase doesn’t last for as long as this has. I’m lost and im scared, and ive tried so hard to break away from this, but i just cant and i don’t think i ever will.