Life

Today I found out for sure that my girlfriend was cheating on me.

I have battled depression in the past, sadly each time it seems to centre around a female. I am now 23, 24 in a bit more than a week. I guess I will start.. at the start…

I was only 14 or 15 at the time. This beautiful girl at my school had started talking to me, I had a crush on her long before but I was never really the one to say anything. I was Year 10 and she was Year 8. I was pretty young but this girl had taken me by storm. We were chatting and hanging out all the time. Kissed a couple of times but nothing more. And I came to the conclusion this wasnt enough once she left me and went for a more populat guy. This would have to be the first time I entered depression. Nothing helped. I still spoke to my friends but i was hell bent that majority of humans were a piece of shit. This still stands today. I battled with this depression for all of my high school years, I thought of suicide but never took action on it, I would just total myself on alcohol. Standard teenager.

The next real big hit of depression came a couple/few years into my apprenticeship (that i started after school). I met a girl and things clicked. Which was weird as by this stage I had not had much luck with females, half because i didnt give a shit. It was very unusual for me. I had been so hell bent that females were spawns of satan that i never pursued a girl quite like i did with her. I have been into punk rock ever since my first roll with depression. This girl hadnt had the easiest life either, we enjoyed the same music, she had bright dyed hair, was and is a genuine good chick. This time i fucked up. I dont admit this to many. Actually i dont speak of this to many. The thought of her leaving me/cheating on me was so overwhelming and i distanced my self so far that she left me. I dont blame her. In a reaction to not wanting to loss her, i pushed her away. But before she had left me, and not long after seeing her, possibly even before, I was once again battling with depression. I was always so down, Anyone place other then where i was, was where i wanted to be. I fucking hated my job and where I lived. I couldnt see a way out, there was no light, and having her leave me just left me so deflated. I cant remember where around this time suicide thoughts came into play, I think it was after. I went on an overseas trip to New Zealand on a snowboard trip with mates. Im sure the noticed i wasnt quite myself but to this day i feel i eluded them from thinking i was depressed. Seeing them hooking up with girls and having a genuine good time might of been the pressing thing that took the bit further, but i feel I was heading there anyway. I found myself at the top of a mountain ridge where bungee jumping was performed. I wanted to jump so badly. At the edge but i couldnt bring myself to take that step further. It wasnt the though of death that scared me, it was the thought of surviving and everyone finding out. That was the only thing that took me off that edge. Although later that night i had a blade agaisnt my wrist, starting to cut up my arm in the shower. I was staying in a backpackers hostel but at that time of night there wasnt anyone else in the showers, which were single cubicles anyway. I got the blade from a disassembled razor for a face, the type with 3 small blades. It cut and was deep enough to bleed thick blood but I guess i decided to stop when it wasn’t working so well. Just really hurt.

After this I didnt have a great deal of suicidal thoughts. I wouldnt say I beat my battle with depression but never to the level of suicide. Until now. I have been dating my now ex for 10 months. Okay so not a great deal of time but for me with the longest relationship of 3 months, it was a long time.

Before I go further I feel I need to say this, I have never been since my teenage years, one to be all pro life. The way i see it, anything I do with my life will be insignificant. I was okay with that. I had finished my apprenticeship, was doing a bullshit casual job, going nowhere but enjoying the moments i was in. I dont believe in an after life, I dont think there is anything when you die, your brain stops recieving blood, you dont have any thought process, you are dead. There is no what ifs, just nothingness. You seize to exist. Okay so there is others that will feel the pain for your loss. I have a mother, a father, 2 sisters, and 3 mates that i feel will be affected if I successfully took my own life. It one of my closest friends that i feel would take the full burdon and may not cope to well as i know he has fought this same battle, and im not sure even he is clear.

To bring us to the present, last night I recieved a message from a guy I have never met, telling me he and my girlfriend were sleeping together and had been seeing each other a while. I confronted her, she told me nothing had happened, he was lying. Naturally one is quite curious around this. But she swore, looked me directly in my eyes without a blink that nothing had happened and i need to trust her. I did, i so foolishly trusted her. I got him to prove what he was say was true, and it was oh so true. On recieving the evidence i rang and confronted her finding out that they had slept together that she finally admitted to. I saw red and tore strips off her, I would never hit a woman, fuck i didnt even hit guys, but i verbally tore her down. Did this make me feel better. No. I have been lied to and decieved for however long (at least a couple months) and i couldnt feel any worse right now. I honestly though this was the golden ticket. Why she did this. Probably my fault, being distant and shit. and yep you guessed battling with depression again. I was so scared of losing her, I thought she would realise that I am a piece of shit and leave me, but i have only pushed her there anyway. I should of gave her more attention. I should of spoke to her more. I should of done things she wanted. But i will not excuse her lying and deciet. I have spent a while now writing this and it has actually brought me back to the moment a bit. I still feel shit but at the start of this i couldnt even read what i was writing due to the watering in my eyes. The thought of her cheating on me still gets me so angry and down. I cant say i wont harm myself, but i can say without writing this is may of already happen. I dont like the pain. I dont harm myself to show people im depressed. Only ever done it to kill myself.

I dont even know where I’m at right now, I guess i feel after this, and as friends have casually joked, I will forever be alone. I cant connect to people. I am scared to let them in as its then that they can truely hurt me. I have set up so many emotional barriers. I dont even notice when im pulling away from someone. And i guess i never did let her fully in. Im not sure i ever could. Not without a lot of trust, that i dont give easy. How the fuck am i suppose to give it now. I dont feel like i can trust anyone other then those few listed earlier as to who may miss me. Even my parents i dont feel i could talk to. I have never been one to share this shit but i just needed to get this off my chest. Fuck, maybe if i do off myself they will find this and understand. I dont know anymore.

sorry.