Everyone tells me that I’m so lucky, so smart, so attractive. I have everything apparently. But there’s more to life than that superficial crap. In life you need only one thing: a place to belong. This is the thing that I don’t have.
I had a bunch of friends that I thought cared about me. I was wrong. They all stabbed me in the back. I asked them to go easy on me because I thought I was becoming depressed. They told me to grow up. Depression is for children, apparently. Anti-depressants only make me sleepy. I guess the objective is to just sleep your life away. If only it were that simple.
I have no one to talk to. The only person in my life I communicate with is a mental health nurse. I want to get on my knees and beg her to do something for me… do anything for me. I know she can’t. No one can. She told me “life gets better”. I told her, “I’ve been saying that my entire life”.
What pains me the most is that I have never done anything wrong—not enough to deserve this at least. I tried to help the people that harmed me. Even after they threw me to the ground and beat me to an inch of my life, I still tried to do what’s right. They called me “inconsiderate” for trying to help them. Am I really inconsiderate? Am I really so stupid as to not realise that I am hurting others by trying to help them?
or…
Does this world only accept ignorance? Are the weak defined by their desire to help others? Are the strong defined by how well they can contain empathy?
The movies tell us that the good guys always win. Some of the more interesting movies tell us that life is bittersweet. This is true for the lucky ones. But for others, it is dead wrong. Every day, suicide claims so many lives. Some of these people are brilliant-minded people. They could’ve been the next Einstein, they could’ve cured cancer, they could’ve landed man on the sun and divided by zero. But the world didn’t get these people. The world doesn’t deserve these people.
The human race’s current state-of-mind encourages only unprecedented ignorance. Think about it: if you could get away with something, why wouldn’t you do it? Sure, someone else might suffer, but that’s their problem, right? I have learnt that I am stupid for disagreeing with this.
Obviously, I’m going through a really shitty time right now, as with most people here, I guess. The worst part has been going on for 12 months now, and it looks like it’s only going to get worse. I can’t guarantee things will end nicely for me–nobody can.
I spend my life fantasising about a world that accepts me. A world that punishes those that ignore logic, and blesses those that seek what is right. If a god exists, he’s a bit of an asshole. I wish he would stop rewarding people for destroying what little I have left. I don’t need god to help me onto my feet… I just need him to stop kicking me when I’m down.
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I don’t know why evil is the norm, why scummy, inconsiderate back-stabbers seem to do well, while kind/good people get used and abused.
But what I’ve learned is that you must begin to use your most powerful tool in life, which is your brain. I used to be like you, it’s in my nature to be supportive/helpful, etc…but that only lead me to be taken for granted, to be disrespected—except when someone needed me for something and like a sucker I always fell for it, till I finally wised up.
Now I’m much more tactical, I see how people talk and deal with me and give them no less in return. I’ve grown to despise some people and treat them accordingly. I only shower my generosity on those I feel deserve it and are good to me because they want to be…not because they expect anything in return.
Bottom line, don’t be anyone’s doormat-I’ve found that even your family members can be as bad as your friends/acquaintances. As for your depression, you should take stock of your life, find out the source of depression and try to change your life accordingly.
Yeah met many scummy low lifes that consider trashing people a sign of strength. I’ve done more hard yards than all of the ‘men’ I’ve met in the last 15 years put together. None of them could have handled what I’ve had to endure so in the end they were just too weak for me. I had a weak bf who wouldn’t leave the house cuz he had a chipped tooth….hmmm. Didn’t have the fortitude I have by a long shot. Ultimately they didn’t have the strength of character nor the ability to show respect or basic human rights…that’s a sign of weakness to me. People like to use me as a doormat and actually think they’re being strong but you know, we all know that’s being piss weak. I helped these weaklings too. Don’t engage with anyone who treats you or anyone else badly, they have not strength of character.
I think secondlife has given you some sound advice there OP. I agree with you in nearly everything you have said. I’m one of those kindly ‘mugs’ too and have been shat all over more times than I can count. I recently went through some kind of spiritual rebirth and now possess a hardened heart toward the majority of the world’s population as well as a healthy contempt for ‘god’.
If I wasn’t still kind and empathic I probably wouldn’t be typing this. It’s good people who are suffering acutely who are my priority now, that’s why I still come here. I relate to them and want to give them hope and strength based on my own experience.
In a format like this one this is not easy. I risk coming across as some sort of do-gooding pollyanna and some of what I have to say would probably strike many as highly bizarre.
The tenor of my message here is that total rebirth into the beautiful, immortal essence of your being is possible in this same body. Erasure of the physical organism is not necessary to attain peace. I guess the Buddhists would call it enlightenment. Living in this world is still a challenge but I regard it as my mission to change it from within, and there are so many of us doing the same thing. We are strong, we are heroic, we outclass ordinary mortals by a thousand percent so we will win.
Being helpful to other people is very good but also comes at a cost, I know that from personal experience. While there are people who would really feel grateful about your goodness and cherish your presence, but mostly you will get people who will take you for granted, exploit you and ride on your back, making that place their permanent home! You aren’t a saint and even saints are smart enough, they have methods of tackling such people. If you continue to put up with such people you’d scrape through to death doing so, I’m very sorry to say and even then such folks will find faults in you! It’s your life, think about it first.
As far as life is concerned, don’t expect any goodness from it. It is governed by wicked rules! The Religious folks will give all kinds of ‘Religious Crap’ to you to make their ‘Pathetic God’, if he exists at all, look good. Don’t believe in one bit of that shit! You only have the option to give people back as good as they gave you, probably even more. Then just see, how dearly you’d be loved! Nobody messes with a person who just says, ‘don’t you …………. dare mess with me’! They look for meek, gentle, quiet people to pounce upon.
As far as suicide is concerned, it is your own choice. I can say of mine that I want to choose it because the daily pain is unbearable for me and getting worse each day with nobody giving a shit! So only you know, when it is just not possible anymore and take your decision judiciously. Good luck!
“but mostly you will get people who will take you for granted, exploit you and ride on your back” Yep and that’s a really important lesson to learn. One that I still haven’t learnt properly yet. But it hurts, particularly after soooo many episodes of such stupidity!
And there are soooo many out there (the vast majority) who will gleefully take you down cuz they simply don’t have the strength of character to offer anything else….like support for example!!! Nah that’d take an effort they don’t get so don’t trust ok…trust (and respect) needs to be earn’t not just given freely like I have.
Good points.
Life only promises death
There are lots of causes that we can fight for, but we must choose which cause that worth fighting for.
There are fool arrogant people out there… A lot! Fool arrogant only think that they are Always right. Whatever you say to them, they won’t care, because they are ALWAYS right in their own eyes . For them 1+1=6, no matter what you say, they will stick to it.
Trying to help and teach arrogant fool is a waste of time & energy!
Just walk away man. There are more than this in this life. There are also lots of fool but teachable people out there.
Don’t waste your life by trying to proof something to these arrogant fool people.
Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both.