It’s harmless right. I’m not bothering anyone. I wish I was dead. Life is a ****ing joke! This is so stupid, I am so stupid, life is so stupid. I have known for many years how I would die. By my own hand, hanging from a tree in Letchworth, with the tips of my toes lightly brushing the snow topped forest floor. No one will find me until spring when the hikers break, hunters aren’t allowed in the state park. I have always loved that place, it’s so spiritual. I just keep thinking of my body being defiled by him. I am just left in that state of mind that 7 year olds mentality in which I have done wrong. And people wonder why I mutilate my body, because it’s dirty and I’m bad. I hate that word – molestation – it makes me purge. Now it’s long over, 20+ years past that era of my life and I… I can’t forget… I can’t unsee, unfeel… It’s so surreal, and I’m left wounded. I am hurting tonight SP, I just can’t… It hurts so bad.
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5 comments
I always hate to see a post where someone is cutting themselves, it shows such dislike of themselves and that’s so sad. When someone has been through so much pain in the past like you have, who I’m I to tell you not to cut yourself to cope, but I still wish you could find another way. It sickens me how someone can destroy another persons life as has happened to you, to want to die because of what happened, I’m so sorry for you, I wish I could find someway of taking the pain away, of helping you to find a future without dying.
How close are you to Letchworth park? I live 7 miles from there, if you are talking about the one in NY.
I live right outside of rochester – NorthWest of.
Please don’t give up Jayjay!!! Just remember he may have had his way with your body but no one can ever touch your spirit. That is what you have complete control over. Just know if you give up your abuser has won. Hell is what we create in our own minds, you survived. What he done to you was purely physical you choose know what your abuser does to you. Don’t let those incident control and determine your life and self worth.
I wish you well and please don’t cut tonight don’t hurt yourself further your stronger and so much more than that your life is worth it.
JJ,
I second what Nias said – it is sad to hear when someone is harming themselves due to somebody else hurting them and it would be great if you were able to find another way to cope.
Please keep in mind you are NOT to blame for what happened to you – you are not “bad” and your body is not “dirty,” as you said in your post. Only one person is to blame for what happened to you and that is your abuser.
L4Y