Meaningful & Meaningless thoughts.

Ive have had suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember but this time I’m really scared they are stronger and worst this time i try to think of another solution but it always ends up at just end it all. Everyone has something against me. They all blame me the people that i value so much are the ones who have hurt me the most i don’t want to tell them anything about my thoughts because i know they will feel sorry or call me even more stuff. I have someone who I’m currently dating i feel like he just stayed with me because of what i shared with him. I don’t want him to feel sorry and forced to be with me i just want all the pain they have put me through to go away i just don’t seem to find a better way then suicide.