This is my first time posting here and I’m not really sure whether I’m on the right track regarding what this site is about…
For the past 3 years I have had reoccurring suicidal thoughts and a couple of failed attempts. The idea of being free from this life is so inviting! In a way, I’m ashamed and I know that I don’t want to hurt my family. I’m trying to remove these thoughts from my head but the battle is tough. The only thing stopping me is knowing that I don’t want my younger siblings to ever suffer as I am.
My self esteem is pitiful. I feel so ugly and worthless. In every aspect of my life I am failing. I’m putting on weight; I didn’t graduate with my peers this year as I have one subject to catch up on; my family think that I’m in a great position and are encouraging me to move out, get married etc. Meanwhile my boyfriend has stood me down six nights in a row and verbally abuses me on the phone when I try to contact him. I know that hes not cheating on me or anything but I feel like he doesn’t value me, my time or my effort. I love him. He’s a really good guy and I’m a shit girlfriend. I don’t deserve somebody like him. In fact, I don’t deserve anybody. I know it’s unfair to expect him to stay with me but I need him – I need somebody! Even if he doesn’t care, at least he occasionally provides me with company and without him I don’t know how I’ll cope. I loce him more than anything.
I was taken to hospital during one of my suicide attempts a couple of years ago and given a referral for my GP. He thought it was an isolated episode and didn’t think I needed to see a psycologist or psychiatrist. The truth is I don’t want my judgment altered by drugs or to be forced to talk and think about the issue as I think it will only deepen it.
the truth is that even through I know suicide is the easier option and soooo tempting, I know that I need to choose life and “happiness”. If anybody has any advice of how I can get myself out of this deep place and to a point where I am genuinely happy I would really appreciate it!
7 comments
Great first post. Thanks. I see people tell their stories here and I think of my own story. I know for a fact that I’m the only one qualified to give myself advice. Most likely the people telling stories here are the only ones to help themselves. It’s a matter of listening to your own inner wisdom then taking action. You sound like a really sweet person with some self esteem issues…like most of us. Take a breath, listen to your self. Maybe you already know what to do?
their are other alternatives to conventional therapy. be very leery of drug therapy. take time and research.
Your life seems EXACTLY like mine in every way (minus the boyfriend part, as I’m single). Even the part where you didn’t graduate with your peers because you’re behind on a subject (so am I!). But, I agree with tc13 and JohnDoe…listen to yourself and research the best treatment method for you, as everyone is different. I found my psychiatrist really helped me and the treatments he gave have worked fairly well until recently when I’ve had a lot of bad things happen in my life (like my dad getting cancer). But, there are risks associated with medications and I’ve talked to a LOT of people who dislike conventional therapy (including medication), or it’s made them worse like you’re worried about. So, medication and therapy may not be the best option for you, but it’s worth researching and making an educated decision on. Otherwise, I wish I knew of a “magic cure” to make you happy, but unfortunately, I don’t. But, if you need someone to talk to, just let me know!
Mine is similar only I can’t ever see her again until I commit suicide
Thanks so much JohnDoe, tc13 and gonetoosoon ! It is comforting knowing I’m not the only one. Yes, I think you are all right. It’s just difficult to put into action. I don’t want any drugs or therapy but I need better support systems and to stop accepting being treated like a dog. I would love to chat gonetoosoon 🙂 Honestly, tonight is a really bad night…pushing through 🙁
I am so sorry you had a rough night last night, and sorry that I didn’t see that you wanted to chat until now! For some reason when I subscribe to a post it doesn’t notify me by email until WAY after someone comments 🙁 If you ever want to chat (as I don’t think SP has a private chat function unless I’m wrong), my email is tallyho305 @ gmail.com | And this goes for everyone on here…I’m more than happy to talk/listen. It’s always comforting knowing that you’re not alone in this fight against depression, anxiety, or whatever other problems (mental or otherwise) you may have 🙂
yeah, keep pushing through. im at the very biginnings of therapy. its real sad when i know more about depression than they do. though this time im going in with a diffrent approach. as i told the thearapist, my life is a duality. i know the mean, evil, violent, nature, and what im capable of doing. i also know the calm, rational, sensative, loving side of me. not as well, but im learning. i am scared of conventional mental health. i am a survivor of that system from the 70’s. she heard my stories and realized how hard it was for me to be their. i use the old “the enemy, of my enemy, is my friend” thing. i let her know that their is much that they can learn from me (us) about how to deal with a person in crisis. sp hurts my heart and spirit with all the pain anguish and hurt here. the stories are my stories. it angers me that their is such a need for a site like this. and im extremley grateful they are here. besides saving my life, they reminded me that i can still laugh. very strange feeling.