Well, this is my first post here and I might as well start off by telling everyone why suicide sounds pretty great right now. I’m not attracted to girls like guys should be. I’m not attracted to other guys either. Well, I kinda am. Guys between the ages 2 and 10. Yup you read that right.
Ok, let me explain some things first; a pedophile is NOT a child molester. I’ve never hurt a kid and I never will, because I have a conscience. I love kids, so I don’t see why I’d ever want to do something as horrible and selfish as raping one. Not every straight guy is a rapist, so not every pedophile is a child molester.
Anyways… I’m 18, and this “orientation” has pretty much destroyed any hope of a happy life for me. I can never get married or have kids and that’s literally all I ever wanted. I’m incapable of being attracted to adults, sexually or emotionally. I’ll never be able to express love in a healthy way. I can never confide in anyone (therapists included) about this because I could be reported and put on some fucking watchlist for the rest of my life. I can never take off my mask. For anyone. I’ll just go on living a lie until I finally fucking die. I’m literally the most hated thing on the face of the earth, BUT I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! Society sees me as nothing more than a potential molester that should be put down before he rapes a little kid. I’m a monster. A sick freak. But please know… I didn’t choose this. You think I wanted to be this way? What kind of sick fucking joke is this? Why am I even alive? I’m a pretty good guy for the most part, So what in the holy fuck did I do to deserve this?? Every scenario I play out in my mind, I’ll end up lonely for the rest of my life. I don’t want that life. It would probably be a fovor to myself and everyone in the world if I just shot myself.
No matter what happens, it’s gonna be a pretty sad life for Me, and anyone like me. I know I won’t harm a child. I have no desire to steal a childs innocence. I know who I am and I’m not that kind of monster. But, society doesn’t believe that. They don’t want to believe it. They refuse to. And because of that, I’ll just keep living a fake life. Maybe I’ll end it or maybe nature will, but either way, death can’t come soon enough.
Alright, sorry this was so long, I’ve said what I wanted to say. I’d imagine most people would just say “yeah you should kill yourself” and that’s fine. I wanna hear what you really think. If you read this whole thing and you still want to hate me, go ahead, I don’t blame you. Most people would.
50 comments
Dude, Sex and love is just such a small part of life. Obsessing about this is not going to help, so try to lock it away for now and focus on the things you enjoy in life. Maybe just take a deep breath and eat some chocolate and watch some bad television.
Oh, and as a follow up on this. You need to keep in mind that none of us would be “socially acceptable” if we exposed what we really thought or found interesting. You have already found your filter, which is great. Most of us make a lot of stupid mistakes before we find that “oh, well I guess I won’t be doing that or saying that in public any more” filter. We all have our caged animals.
Thanks for being supportive. It’s just really… isolating being like this. No matter how many friends you have and how close they are with you you, you always have to keep this huge part of yourself a secret. You always feel alone. The thing that bums me out is I really wanted to get a career working with kids, and I still do, but I know that would be really risky. So now all my plans are sorta down the toilet. I guess I can just lean on hobbies, but the loneliness will always be here.
Everyone has their inner demons to deal with, but everyone’s are different. Just because your’s are less socially acceptable than anyone else’s doesn’t make you a bad person (as long as you don’t act on those urges) although you already know not to and wouldn’t want to which is great and means you have good morals and a conscience. I can’t say not to commit suicide or anything since the majority of us on here are constantly suicidal (myself included). But at least try not to focus on what you might make of your life in the area of love/marriage etc… try focus on something else and other things that make you happy no matter how small or insignificant they may seem. Who knows, maybe you will find someone who breaks that barrier and you can be attracted to that is of a legal age and then you can be truly happy. Whatever happens and whatever you plan to do all I hope is that whatever it is that it brings you peace.
Find a friend boy or girl doesnt matter. spend your life with said friend marry them but make sure you can do that together first. Adopt children as you would do if you were married to a man as you are gay… Life a happy fufilled life. You can still love. Its still there its easy to love. You dont even really have to get married honestly. Just find a woman willing to carry your child when the time is right. there are so many options. And who knows. You could find yourself a baby faced man and spend your life happily with him. Anything could happen.
Keep in mind that discipline is a good thing. As you get older you will be better able to discipline yourself and store away anything that would not be proper in the public eye. I know that this is Cliche, but it does get easier. Don’t make any assumptions on what will and won’t be possible.
There is help for you. I read a article a few months ago about a teenager who feels like you do. He went looking for help and found nothing. So he started a support group for girls and guys who are attracted to kids but don’t act on it. He started it a few years ago and from I gather is a fantastic resource. I am pretty sure I read the article through the Huffington Post. I don’t know what it was called but try googling stuff and see what you can find. I will try to find that article for you too.
I found something called virtuos pedophiles. That wasn’t the one I read about but maybe its a starting point for you. Good luck.
Sexual contact is and shoud be between consenting adults. That is not something which is originated by lawmakers, but by which is sane. Thoose who are not able (by being to young to have developed an (almost) full brain capacity) should be protected against anyone (including you). A child is simply not yet capable of grasping the full extent of complex matters like love, sexuality and consent.
That being said; Your thoughts, wishes, dreams, etc. etc. do not make impact on that child unless you do. As long as you don’t it does no damage to society. In your own mind you’re king as long as you do not harm anyone else.
Pedophelia indicates imho almost always issues in your own emotional development (like abuse). You should try to resolve those, a psychiatrist may help with that, but the answer is always: why, what do you want from that child?
Sexuallity is only one aspect of our lives. There are a lot of other aspects in life, go do something which you like and doesn’t involve this aspect. To obsess about this one aspect and say that you’re wrong in that way of living and don’t deserve life is a waste if your time, you might be extremely helpfull in something else.
As long as you don’t act (/molest) a child in any way, you’re not a bad person in my view.
blackstrat, I want you to know that I’m disgusted by people who harm children! The thought makes me want to vomit, and wish them the most miserable death possible.
That being said, you’re not one of those people (yet). All humans (including myself) are capable of harming others, but it’s the choice to do the right thing that we must commit to. Thank you for being able to step outside yourself and say, no I will not harm a person.
I was unsure about my feelings toward the latest new technology, but I’ll share this information with you if you haven’t heard about it yet.
Quotes:
“Child-like robots could be used for pedophiles the way methadone is used to treat drug addicts,” said Arkin.” So this new technology is in the works, and it is being research.
Also, this depends on your location, and if any laws have changed but here is a quote I found:
“in 2002, the Supreme Court drew a line between child porn and “virtual child porn” where the “child” is actually a young-looking adult or a computer-rendered image. It said images that are wholly faked, no matter how realistic they were, are legal. So the law might see sex with a “virtual child” the same way. At least in the U.S.”
I am not saying, yea go get your jollies on with a kid! I’m saying, the world is changing, and people are trying to study/help pedophiles and their victims. You should look into the research, maybe you can find different motivations, instead of wallowing in self-pity, maybe you can help researchers with your experiences.
Hey Sophie thanks for replying. I’m just as disgusted by people who harm children as you. I just said this in my last comment, the feelings I have for kids aren’t purely sexual. Sex is a miniscule part of it. I desire the emotional bonding and mutual care more than any sexual aspect, so robot children and virtual child porn would do nothing but enhance my problem by possibly giving me a whole new obsession. I’m also adimately against child porn In all it’s forms.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and support. WhisperofMySins, I’m actually already a member of an online support group and it’s pretty much what’s kept me going for the past few months. And Name, I’m completely and totally against any sort of sexual relationships between adults and children. Honestly, I long for emotional connection and affection from kids, not sex. I guess I can just eventually get used to being alone but that seems impossible at this age when my hormones are constantly eating away at me.
I wish you the best blackstrat.
btw, you remind me of a podcast I heard some time ago. The kid was your age and pretty much had the exact same situation you are going through. He was also in a support group that he basically made. Well, you’re not alone and I’m glad your looking for help and surrounding yourself with people who care.
Hang in there
Everyone; and I mean EVERYONE has got to be clear about who they are and what they believe in. For me; it means; do no harm to others, and if you do need to do so, do as little harm as possible. What you’re currently doing inflicts no harm to children, and what you’re saying implies that you aren’t.
Understanding how you can feel alone if you do not have an emotional connection with a kid is a bit more difficult. I feel alone a lot of the time, but no kid could ever help me in that.
Understanding how you can feel like you’re the scum of the earth is more easy imho. If you do harm, you aren’t! Do not let feelings get in the way of wether or not you’re a good person, it are only acts that define us.
I don’t think you should do anything with children, go do whatever else you like. If your hobby is tennis be the best tennis player in the world. If your hobby is computers (like mine) go be the best in computers in the world!
At the age of eighteen hormones are freaking nasty, that will slow down over time. Please give it that time.
I have heard of studies done which looked at the brains of people of various sexual orientations, and they theorized that the size and structure of certain areas of the brain was a reasonable predictor of sexual preference. You didnt do anything wrong, and it isnt your fault. Evolution will simply attempt any variation at hand, and yours is one that is deemed unfortunate by our society. I really feel for you, and I do have one ray of hope to offer. The brain can and doea alter its internal structure as is incorporates new experiences. Perhaps if you could actually enjoy an encounter with a female on any romantic level, then you might have a foothold on changing your preference and be able to create hope for a real relationship in the future. There are limits on how much and how fast the brain can rewire itself, so I dont really know if what I have suggested is possible, but maybe worth a shot?
this is an area i know nothing about. i am pleased that you are aware and trying to do something about it. best of luck to you
Incredible post, blackstrat. You really made me wake up, especially with this line: “Not every straight guy is a rapist, so not every pedophile is a child molester.”
Like others have said, every human has some inner monster. But it’s our self control that separates us from that monster. Kudos for spilling your guts for us all to dissect. For what it’s worth, I think you came to the right place because we can all relate. Suicide–just the thought of it–is considered evil by society, and if you try telling anyone about it you can get yourself locked up.
Back to your situation, I have a suggestion from personal experience. If you have a “deviant” sexual preference, you can still find someone who, if they care about & understand you, will do some harmless role playing. You’d be amazed at how effective that can be. Just sorta break it to him gradually, because it’s a lot to process.
I’ve actually heard worse. I have a female friend who said her boyfriend recently told her he has a choking fetish and wanted to choke her. Now that’s creepy to me, because unlike your preference, this guy has a fantasy to cause bodily harm. But even in his case, I guess if he doesn’t actually harm her, and if it’s with her permission, then maybe that’s what it takes to keep the monster at bay.
nah, choking (asphyxia) makes the brain release endorfines. He probably mirrors that to that to her and has no intentions to harm her. Different story of that of OP.
You’re right, but what makes it creepy is he wants to choke her (and she’s not really into it). So it sounds more like he wants to dominate her, or worst case, act out some violent fantasy. Either way, it’s not the same as the OP since his fantasy doesn’t involve violence at all, it’s just what he finds attractive. I just used choking as an example of dark impulses people have.
Keyword is consent.
If two people consent to chocking; Hey, It’s unhealthy, but go do your thing, If the girl does not consent, well, she should stop it.
That is not otherwise for any other human relationship. So far OP shows that he is well aware of that and comparing that is a bridge too far for me.
Just try being totally disinterested in sex. People would think you’re a space alien and want to dissect you or something. I think people get outraged by pedophilia because they secretly relate to it. You see, it’s natural (I.E. based on trait selection) for guys to find younger/more childlike women attractive, and no male (who has a sexual orientation) can claim honestly that they have never found a young girl/boy sexually attractive. It’s written all over our culture; children are ovresexualized to such an absurd degree by the media, and even by goddamn parents who dress their kids in sexually alluring clothing EVEN KNOWING they’re doing it, that it should come as no surprise that human beings are wired this way. Animals are wired the same way. It doesn’t make it right – those taboos exist because kids clearly don’t know what they’re doing, or what the consequences of it might be, but honestly I think most people are pedophiles to some degree or another. To sum up, the world is a damned stupid place to live. But just try not being sexually attracted to anyone. It’s probably just as much fun.
hihi, that must be the reason why all newly borns get penetrated by their father in the first week? Nature before nurture?
No, but I imagine that’s probably why the reverse is equally true; men love going all fetal over some big, juicy breasts. We’re a messed up species and we glorify/worship youth to an absurd degree. Culturally speaking, what we call pedophilic attraction was normal in a huge swath of ancient (and even some modern) cultures. It’s why it’s considered girlish to act like a pouty child, and why men going through mid-life crises will chase after college girls. It’s the extent of socially acceptable expression these days, and panders to a factor of sexuality that most humans share, even despite social restrictions.
wow, insight lorax
i worked on an ilsand in the pacific in the 80’s, sex with the native people was allowed, i saw kids as young as 8 and 9 years old with adults. perfectly acceptable. a local wanted to trade me his daughter for a case of silicon gel.”for keeps, you take to america”. diffrent culture.
Sure, every man loves an 18 year old bimbo unless they talked to them.
Sure, every man loves an 18 year old bimbo unless they talked to them.
“perfectly acceptable” does not mean it’s right. Just because the majority of people agree with something does not necessarily validate it. Trading people… is not right…. Trading children… is not right…
you are right sofie. i forgot to mention, i did not participate, nor did i accept the offer. as you say, perfectly acceptable does not mean right. i have done a lot of bad things in my life that i wont forgive myself for, but that aint one of them
Topic got trailed. Imho; Do no harm and your in the clear.
@blackstrat- the fact that you are here, with guilt and remorse and acknowledging your thoughts, and not out murdering and raping children means you’re a decent human being with a conscience. We ALL have very dark thoughts- anybody who says they don’t is lying- but the acting on them is what separates us from good vs bad. We are animals, just like every other creature on the earth. We just have complex brains that make us think 1st about what we do, and that’s what you’re doing now. Don’t throw in the towel quite yet on your future. There was a movie- The Woodsman- with Kevin Bacon- go check it out. I bet you’re not alone. You’re just more honest than most. By the way- we all suck, every stinking one of us, in our own way. Thanks for owning up to what’s inside you. But, we all hope that our good outweighs the extent to which we suck. Peace man.
Blackstrat- I thought of what else I wanted to tell you. Your attraction to kids makes me wonder if you are like that because kids are “safe,”- kids are more accepting, not as judgmental, not a lot of rejection from them. I work with kids with my job, and I like them, where I find that adults are intimidating and make me want to run away and hide. I know that that’s why I work with kids anyway. Maybe your sexual hormonal peak (your age) combined with the more comfortable/less threatening feeling you may have around kids is causing a sexual attraction, but is going to pass once those hormones level off, and then you’ll be left with just liking kids innocently -like me. Just a thought man. Best to you-
Wow, that really struck a chord with me. I’m generally really intimidated by other adults/teens and feel almost inferior around them for whatever reason. I always don’t end up being funny enough or say something dumb and I just feel like giving up on forming relationships with people my age. Then, I got the opportunity to hang out with really young kids and they just seem to love me. It’s so incredibly easy to earn their friendship, and they just make me feel great about myself. It’s so easy, they just like you for you no bullshit strings attached. No judgement. They’re the only thing Out there that makes me really, really happy. Then I started getting these really strong feelings for one imparticular, To the point that I was thinking about him all the time. I had never felt that for any girl my age so I knew something wasn’t right. sorry got off topic… thanks a lot, your theory makes a lot of sense to me, and I hope it works out that way.
Wow I really wasn’t expecting so much encouraging feedback. It gives me a lot of hope that there are so many people willing to try to understand this and see it for what it is. It really means a lot. I kinda assumed I’d be run out of here or just told I’m sick and I need help. Thanks to everyone who’s replied so far, I feel a lot better than I have recently 🙂
Sorry if I sounded brash – had a long day at work and feel like an invalid right now. Hah. IMO, you’re not sick, you don’t need help, you’re just struggling to figure out who you are, and that’s a process that takes a long time. I don’t think it ever really resolves, it just changes day to day.
I have a strong feeling that it is. Kids and dogs, man, kids and dogs. Both are great to be around. Once adolescence hits and ppl start to grow up, hearts get a little jaded and rejection is all around. Rejection sucks. I promise tho that the absolute worst time to be a human is about 14-22. That’s when rejection bt ppl is dished out like mints in a bowl. You’ll get past that. That one kid you are “attracted” to – he’s got something special that you connect with. We all feel that from time to time, deep in our souls. Doesn’t mean you’re a sicko. Hell, who knows? In 15 yrs you may run into him and fall in love- as consenting adults with a little age gap. Or you may meet somebody special of legal age who has that “something.” You’re going to get your heart trampled on tho, bet on it, but let it make you a better man. Sensitive types like you and me- easily wounded, have a harder time, but we’ll both get through. I promise. Always remember- give 99% of your heart away, but to the right person. Always save at least 1%, so you’ll have a little left to regrow in case it falls apart. I’m long-winded. Sorry, but I feel a connection with you too. Peace.
Glad you feel better. You’re gonna be just fine. 😉
Well, I’ll break the trend here and not blow you rainbow kisses. You seriously need INTERVENTION now. Just because you might not YET have acted on your impulses doesn’t mean that you won’t. It is only a matter of time. And, after you do, we’ll be reading the suicide note of that victim on SP. It only takes ONCE to completely devastate the life of another person. There are MANY members of SP whose life has been destroyed by people with your impulses. Their every day is miserable, made worse by the fact that they can’t die. And child molesters are one of the reasons that I would like to fucking KILL myself. This world. Your emotional growth has been stunted. If you don’t seek help now, you are being IRRESPONSIBLE. Just hoping that the feelings will go away, or sharing them on some forum, is not enough. Run, don’t walk to a qualified counselor. And, if you do ever touch a child, for the love of god, please do the world a favor and immediately kill yourself.
Hey buddy. Guess I didn’t make myself clear enough so far. I know I can’t convince people who don’t understand but I’ll try. Assuming you’re straight, do you get the irrisistable urge to rape girls? No? What if you weren’t ever allowed to have sex with women because it would destroy their life and yours? I’m guessing you still wouldn’t rape them. Well, that’s how I feel about kids. I care about the wellbeing of children just as much, if not more than most people out there who don’t give a shit about them. Don’t say “it’s a matter of time” like you know me better than I know myself. I’m not an idiot and I’m not mentally unstable. The fact that I have a different object of attraction than you do doesn’t mean my impulse control is any weaker. I’m sorry for whatever happened to you involving a child molester and I’d be first in line to see him executed, as I believe all child molesters should. Like I said, pedophiles ARE NOT the same thing as child molesters. Remember I’m the one living this nightmare, so I’ve had plenty of time to think about what a horrible fucking monster I am, you don’t need to remind me. And I promise you sir, I’ve already reached the conclusion that I’d end my life before I got to the point of harming a child. If you don’t believe a word I’ve said, you can bet on that. Good day.
@tatterwings that is going to far. People everyday have urges to do things. Steal from stores, hit someone, kill people, cheat on their spouse, etc. It doesn’t matter what it is as long you don’t act on it. This person has already admitted their thoughts and (if u had read thru all comments) is even talking to like minded people for support. So don’t go being mean here. He hasn’t done anything. As long he doesn’t you have no right to say things like that. You don’t know he will act on it. You DO NOT KNOW so just stop it. And yeah I am sorry if you got molested but guess what? So was I as a child. Doesn’t mean this person deserves our rage.
Some people can’t see past the word pedophile. They don’t understand it and they don’t want to. No matter what I say or do (or DON’T do), I’m still evil in the eyes of most human beings.
Yes and so I think it was incredibly brave of you to make this post. I can’t imagine the anguish you must live with.
I actually found your post very interesting, I’ve never heard anything from this kind of perspective. Everyone seems to be jumping onto the wagon you suspected them of doing: saying you need help, that you’re sick and twisted etc. which is likely out of culturally indoctrinated ethics. I can’t help it, I think pedophilia is strange and am inclined to say it’s wrong, but if you haven’t and aren’t going to hurt someone, at its core, what’s the harm? I guess it could come from the fact that in order to give a pedophile something to ‘satisfy’ themselves with it would require the exploitation of someone that can’t give consent.
I think you’re innocent of any stigmas and judgments, you don’t have any bad intentions and what you’re attracted to isn’t your fault, I don’t think. The reasons behind different sexual orientations are poorly understood at best, if there even is an answer.
I think it’s really brave of you to put something so personal and something so against cultural norms and common ethics out there. Thank you for writing this
^ this says it all. ty stendarr
I am bisexual and I was born that way. I volunteer and do a lot in my LGTBQ community. And everyone I have spoke with over the years all say the same whether gay, straight, bi, transgendered, ect., they were born this way. I assume it is likely the same for pedophiles. Born that way. These people are someone’s loved ones too. They are someones son/daughter, brother/sister, aunt/uncle, teacher, best friend, etc. Until someone acts on these impulses then they deserve a life like everyone else.
Thanks for being open minded. That’s all I can really ask for from anyone.
what about hentai… the point of converting porn into a cartoon is to give sexual pleasure to those that find the characteristics of cartoons more appealing than realistic ones, and the defining aspect of a cartoon (anime in most cases of hentai?) is that they have features resembling children: big eyes, disproportional bodies, high pitched voices… so does that mean those that jack off to hentai are pedophiles to some degree? hm. really interesting.
Well, I’m weary about anything like that because I think it might lead to me becoming obsessed or watching real child porn (never done that before btw and never will). or simply devoloping a more sexual view of kids which I want to avoid at all costs. Also I already have other umm… fetishes that I can get off to to sataisfy that side of me. Sorry if that’s tmi lol. Honestly it would surprise me if someone who jurked off to hentai wasn’t a pedo to some extent lol but I’m not really sure.
BROMAN…email me if u want…but i can sympathize… we feel what we feel sometimes… love you regardless… being misunderstood and shunned… i know that feel. give me an email and we cant talk this out… you got it now.
Thanks bruh! I’ll shoot you an email if I’m ever getting into a mood. You can do the same to me
I feel your pain