Tonight is my time to go

I am writing this, mainly to get things out. I have nobody to talk to, and I want to explain my situation before I go.

When I was in primary school, life was okay, how can’t it be when your so young? I was very intelligent, a good kid, never really got into any trouble, and had some friends. When I was 10, I lost my father to a heart attack. This hugely affected my family, which already wasn’t a big family. Each day just walking around the house, I would randomly find my mum crying.

As I was so young, I managed to get past this, but I feel it left a lasting effect inside that would grow and grow over time. When I got to secondary school (11 years old), I had an average 5 years there. I had quite a few friends, would be out every night with them, and fell into what could be classed as the wrong crowd, and started getting into trouble. Throughout my school life, I never had a girlfriend, I had no courage to speak to a girl, and because I was so distant from them, none were interested in me.

Just after I left school at 16, I met a girl. I left school in May, we met in June, I had already started an application to join the Royal Navy. Around october time, my 17th birthday, I found my joining date for the Navy would be December. I was so confused, I had put so much preperation into this, and I was joining with my best friend, but I couldn’t think of anything worse than leaving my girlfriend. I made the decision that I would go, pretend not to like it, and leave within the initial 48 hour period before any contracts are signed. I did this, and came home to my girlfriend.

We spent a few more months together, before things just got too much. Our relationship had been going wrong for a while, and the arguments became too much. I was very jealous, she was my first girlfriend, and very attractive, I couldn’t believe she would have chosen me and became quite controlling. Eventually, the inevitable came and she left me, and almost instantly got with someone else. I was heartbroken, but still had my friends around me, and I managed to get through it by keeping busy and having people around. I never let anyone know how I felt inside, as I never have, I cover up emotions and just try to get on with things. We’re now in April of 2009 at this point.

From here, I went into a phase of trying to get any girl I could into bed, and I’m ashamed to admit I did use several girls. In september of 2009, I started college. At this point, my family had moved to a nearby town, and I had lost contact with all of my friends, as without cars it wasn’t realistic to be able to see them.

I did at time enjoy college, I got on very well with a few of the people in my class. In may of 2011, a month before my course was due to finish, one of the girls I had previously used contacted me, and was going through a difficult time after having lost a grandparent, and her boyfriend. We hit it off quickly, and got together very quickly. Due to spending so much time with her, I missed alot of college, and fell behind with my work, and ended up not actually completing my course, but I was young and in love so didn;t think anything of it.

Again, we had a good few months, before things took a turn for the worse. Again, I became overly jealous and insecure, expecting her to cheat on me to th epoint where I would check her phone. Ofcourse, I ended up psuhing her away too, after several splits and getting back together, we went our seperate ways in February 2012. A few days later, I tried to kill myself to escape from the feeling of worthlessness and hurt. I took a full pack of OTC sleeping pills, and some paracetamol, mixed with a bottle of wine, and tied a bag around my head. I remember it felt warm inside, but I perservered. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I think I did actually fall asleep, but I woke before death, and took the bag off. I threw up several times and felt awful. I had no concept of what was around me, what time it was, where I was, anything. I thought I must surely have been caught as I thought it had been such a long time I was there.

I do from time to time suffer a bad memory, and I believe that is because I had starved my brain of oxygen that one day.

At this point, my family had moved back to my original hometown, and I decided to swallow my pride, and message one of my old friends hoping for some support. I quickly began spending alot of time with my friends again, as if nothing had ever happened. We made a decision that we would go to Magaluf to work that summer, and at the start of April we got on a flight over there. Instead, we ended up partying for 3 weeks non stop until we ran out of money, deep down I don’t think I ever intended to work there, I just needed to get away from everything for a while and enjoy my life. When we got back in May 2012, those friends owed me money from when we were there, but they both began to ignore me, and they haven;t spoken to me since. In June 2012, I travelled to chicago for the wedding of my brother and his partner, and when I returned home found I had an interview for a decent job. I managed to get the job and started in August 2012.

At this point, I had no friends, and no life. Starting the job was a welcome relief. When I first started, I barely spoke to anyone, and isolated myself. After the initail few weeks, the others brought me in and I developed some good friendships. Only problem is the job was 30 miles from home, meaning all the people working there lived so far away it’s not like I could just go round and see them when I need some compamny or support, plus they have their own lives to lead. The job was going okay, and despite not having much in my life, I was relatively content. At the christmas party that year, a girl who also worked there but in a different area came and spoke to me, we had a little chat then carried on our nights, and I thought nothing of it. In january of 2013, she contacted me through Facebook, after her friends persuaded her too as she liked me, but didn’t have the courage to do anything. We started seeing each other in January, she was 2 years older (23) and had a child (2), she didn’t drive and lived 35 miles away so we didn’t see each other that often. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who has a child, and never really spent much time around children, so I was very conscious around her child liking me. I believe I may have concentrated on this too much, as after just 2 months she ended it saying the flame was no longer there. Looking back, I’m not sure I was in the relationship for the right reasons. She was attractive, and at first I was interested, but very quickly it got to the point where I would go round and we would just watch TV, to me it was more like having a married life without having to go through all the time to get there. I had a partner with her own house, her child, it was everything I’ve wanted from life.

When we split in March, my brothers wife had just given birth to my nephew. I travelled to Chicago again in June 2013 to meet my nephew, this so far has been the only time I’ve ever seen him as he lives so far away (I’m in the UK).

I was upset at the time, unsure whether this was because I’d lost my girlfriend, or because I’d lost the easy lifestyle. I again managed to just about get through it, using some mild OTC anti-depressants.

I struggled through, and when my birthday came in October, it was 2 days before a work friends birthday. We had a joint night out and some of her friends came. One of her friends that came, instantly took my attention. We got on very well, and shared a few kisses and exchanged number. We met up a few days later for some food, and again a few days later to watch a film. We started to see each other more often, and before long we were spending most days together. We got quite serious quite quick, from the start she had told me she wanted to work overseas the following year, and I told myself thats fine, we will just make some memories for us both then go our seperate ways. We both fell for each other, and as I knew how much she wanted to experience working overseas, I didn’t want to stop her doing it, so I applied for the same job too. We both managed to get the job, and in March we attended a training course overseas. At the beginning of April, we left to start our new adventure. It wasn’t long before I realised I’d made a mistake, I knew I wouldn;t enjoy the job, and I never wanted to go, it was always her dream, I just did it so I didn’t lose her (I gave up my previous job, that I enjoyed, to work overseas). We argued alot over there, and I contemplated leaving several times. Eventually we came to an agreement, we would wait until the end of June and come home, that way we had 3 months overseas, but I could get back home rather than waiting until October. When we got home, we were both applying for jobs, and both had a few interviews. WeAt the start of August 2014, I was offered a start starting in September, she was offered a job starting mid August. For the first month after we both started working, I spent every day at her house with her and her parents. I got on well with her whole family, and they liked having me around. Every day I would come home and cook, we would go to bed together, and wake up together. It was going very well, but the cost of commuting that far too and from work every day was too much, so I had to start spending more time at home.

We had a several little arguments over irrelevant things, that turned into huge arguments, over the next few months. The arguments kept happening, and the relstionship was in decline. In november, we picked up that we were really going the wrong way, and tried to make changes. They didn’t last long and before you know it were back to where we were before. I could feel the end coming, but I think she wanted to stay together through Christmas to stop all the family asking questions. We had a really nice christmas and boxing day, but she ended it the following day. Again, I had been jealous, insecure, and slightly controlling, although not to the same extent I had before. She told me she needed to be by herself, she didn’t feel the same way. We discussed what had caused it, and it seems to arrived at the conclusion, that similar to me, she was generally unhappy with life, the lack of excitement etc, and like me, once the honeymoon period ends, starts to get lazy and bored, taking things for granted and just letting it slip away.

This is one of the reasons I think it hurt so much, if what she said is true, then nobody else will be able to make her happy either, and she claimed previously I made her happier than ever before, so why walk away and give up, rather than supporting each other to solve the underlying issues, maybe theres more to it and she just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, although atleast that way I could maybe understand her leaving me.

In the last few weeks, I genuinely thought things were picking up, we were making more of an effort, and seemed happy, but it turns out it wasn’t enough. I had supported her through times that many others wouldn’t have, but rather than support me, stick by me, she gave up because the honeymoon period had ended.

I’ve tried and tried to win her back, to no avail. I’ve realised it really is over, for good. I try my hardest to accept it, but it’s very difficult.

I find myself in a similar situation to before, questioning why I’m so hurt?

She has a real nice house, a huge bedroom with an ensuite bathroom, her mother would do my washing and ironing, there was always food in the house, the house was always clean, I could sit and talk to her family, it was like the life I never had.

My current house is awful, I won’t go into why, but it’s out of my control. I can’t work out whether I was so desperate to keep her because again I had the easy life, nice house, family around me, someone always there to talk to, nice things etc. Or whether it’s losing ehr that hurt me.

I feel like I maybe get into relationships purely out of desperation to have something in my life, someone to talk to, someone to spend time with. I live with my mother and sister, and we don’t really get on, and never spend any time as a family. I go to work, come home, and sit in my bedroom, completely alone and isolated, I have no friends, and rarely leave the house.

Either way, whether it’s losing her, or losing the lfiestyle, I have again been left with nothing.

One of the reasons we would argue, again was my insecurity and jealousy. She had never given me any reason to believe she would hurt me, but for some reason I just still couldn’t trust. Am I just too desperate to have someone around, that I get so overprotective that I want only me to be in their life?

I can never trust anyone, I push people away the same way time after time, and I leave myself like this. When I’m not in a relationship, I have absolutely nothing, when I’m in a relationship, I still spend most of my time unhappy as I’m expecting them to cheat, or were arguing because of my stupidity.

I feel like I have given life enough of a chance, my current family consists of my mother and my sister that I live with, my brother and nephew in America, and thats it. My grandparents have passed away, except my nan who has alzheimers and doesn’t remember who we are. As I mentioned, we never do anything as a family, and so I sit ehre, in my bedroom day after day, feeling so isolated and so worthless.

I’ve thought about suicide so many times, but each time just pushed through and hoped it would get better. Admittedly, life does improve when I find a relationship, but I feel it’s for the wrong reasons, and I will always push away anyone close to me because of the way I am.

I understand suicide would hurt my remaining family, but what about my pain? Whats the point in me getting up and going to work every day, just to come home and sit by myself, never doing anything, never going out of the house other than for work. Working just to earn money to live, to live a life I don’t want to live, just to end up dying at some point in the future.

I know life may get better, but it will always end up back like this, because I make the same mistakes every time, and it’s who I am, I’ve tried to change it, I’ve had councelling, it just doesn’t work. I tend to get into relationships because I’m bored of life, and no surprise they just never end well.

I feel under the circumstances, my suicide should not be considered selfish, as I have endured endless pain, misery, and always will. Whenever I die, my family will be hurt, so why can’t I choose when, and get it over with?

I have roughly 7kg of charcoal, and I plan to use this in my car tonight. Maybe, just maybe, my situation may make people consider their actions, giving up on someone when you can see how much they need support, could be the wrong decision. Losing faith in people too quickly can be a terrible decision. But I would hope that, at some point, my death may be used as an example of why suicide should be legal. I have suffered for so many years, and I just want out. Why should it be so difficult, why should I be forced to live if I don’t want to, why should so many obstacles be put in the way?