I haven’t been on here in a while, but everything has started going downhill. It’s like I’m falling into a vortex of pain and misery, and I just can’t seem to escape. Grades are down, friends are lost, the only thing I can do now is throw myself into swim training and hope that the exhaustion takes my mind off how I’m feeling. I’ve been chasing a dream for my entire life. I just realised that it wasn’t my dream that I was chasing. For some people, they can imagine where their future leads them, where they will be in 10, 15 years. For me, when I try to think of anything past high school, past college, there is nothing for me there. I have stuck to the rues my whole life, never doing what I wanted to, never voicing my own opinion because I was afraid. How does it feel to talk back to a teacher, a manager? Right now, for me, there are few things to look forward to. Getting up at 5:00 am to go to swimming until 8, and then after school, training from 4 to  7 while listening to your coach tell you to win more awards. Then going home and doing tutoring and homework, and practicing three instruments, while fining some time to play tennis and practice karate. Add that to keeping my 4.0 GPA and anyone will crack. It just seems that nothing is going to matter anymore. It seems like death is the only way out. Just end this pain, make it go away, let it end. This isn’t worth it anymore.