Family issues

Last week I went on vacation with my siblings, and there were some fun parts definitely. But overall it just made me realize once again how high the tensions between me and the rest of my family are. My brother thinks I’m weird and (possibly) a freak, but he usually doesn’t show it intentionally. My one sister tries to be as nice as possible towards me, cause she is a kind soul. My other sister was annoyed the whole trip for some reason, and when she’s like that she usually lets her anger out on other people, i.e. me. It’s basically just because she’s mad, but is shows she has some severe reservations against me.

Both my parents prefer my brother over me very obviously as well, but they don’t admit it no matter how much I show them. They can’t accept that they’re part of the reason why I turned out to become who I am today. They don’t know I’m suicidal, but me giving them some indications to my situation hasn’t changed that so far. I won’t tell them explicitly that I’d very much love to die, because – apart from the fact that it wouldn’t improve my situation – if they don’t find out about it with all the hints I’m giving them they don’t deserve to know.

For example my uncle cut connections to his siblings (including my mother) some years ago. I didn’t understand at that time why he did it, but when mom told me he apparently is gay (which I didn’t know up to that point) I could imagine exactly how it must have felt for him. I mean I’m not homosexual, but the feeling of being ignored/ left alone by your own family with essential matters like that must be similar. My other uncle also told their parents (my grandparents) about it which was stupid as hell, cause they are as conservative as it gets (mostly because they are from a different time). My mom doesn’t see a single fault at her side for why my uncle cut connections with his family (as much as she doesn’t feel responsible in any matter for my situation). When she told me about my uncle being gay after some time I said I could understand exactly how he is feeling (hint??). The only response from her was how I could be so unfair and selfish to blame her and not her brother. She actually thought I said that with the intention to hurt her. That’s the image she has of me.

Yesterday when my sister returned from partying for carnival she apparently was drunk as fuck and couldn’t pay for the taxi or whatever, and now my parents have issues with the taxi company. Anyways, I’m not with my family at the moment, but my mom wrote me about it, so I replied she should stop worrying what my sister does because 1. she’s old enough to decide on her own and 2. she won’t listen to a thing her parents say because she never has to bear the consequences. Even now my parents take care of the issue with the taxi company and not my sister. For god’s sake, she is 20 years old, let her handle it on her own. I might have been a bit harsh about it, and I regret that, but it was still true. My mom then responded how I could be so cruel to say something like that. Haven’t heard from her since.

My dad is similar. He enjoys most of his time with my brother when we’re home (not only because he’s a doctor and my brother studies medicine), and the only time he wants to speak to me is when he needs help with some computer issues (he’s a hobby programmer). We talk to each other more than that of course, but it’s mostly empty phrases at dinner or something similar. Even though he doesn’t show it explicitly he thinks I’m selfish and arrogant. He acknowledges and for some reason is proud of what I’m good at (usually to show off in front of others), but my personality doesn’t mean anything to him.

The main reason why all of them treat me well to some extent is that I’m part of the family, and “family is important”. But I’m sick of the hypocrisy, seriously. A year or two ago I was glad to come home, cause I felt needed and cared for. But it was and is a complete illusion. It’s hard for me to accept that, actually I’m not even convinced 100% right now. I don’t know what to do about it. One “solution” would be to cut connections with them completely like my uncle did. They’re paying for my apartment atm, but I’d be able to take care of that on my own. I won’t do it now, but I’m considering it for some time in the future. It’s a step that I shouldn’t take lightly, because it is irreversible. Anyways, I will try to delay the next time I’ll have to go home as much as possible. Exams are a good excuse for that, and they end in April.