It’s a miracle that I survived AEA this long!

I never haven’t had a chance to tell very many people about this, but I am into something which is known as autoerotic asphyxia and it is not easy to talk about this and unlike other people who claim to be into this claim that it gives them a “high” and they don’t really want to die, but I think that’s bullshit and they are lying! With me, when I get hit with this intense desire, I don’t just want to experience a “high”, but I actually want to hang myself! Also, I want to be totally nude when I hang myself and then I like to stare at myself in the mirror and there are times that tears come to my eyes, but it ain’t tears of sorrow, but it is tears of joy and happiness because I am experiencing an intense feeling of calm, joy and feelings of peace knowing that if I can successfully hang myself, a warm friendly hand will take me to a world in which I will be loved, accepted and understood and I won’t have to feel awkward anymore!

I feel so calm and at peace thinking about when the time comes for them to cut me down after finding me in the nude because I will be taken to that much better world in which I am loved understood and accepted and no one will ever be able to hurt me again! I often feel that if I don’t go through with this, then something horrible will end up happening to me in which I will be very sorry that I didn’t hang myself. I don’t know what happened to cause me to be into this, but it has to be caused by a bunch of different horrible experiences that cause me to feel this way! Whatever is going on, this is a very, very, very deep thing and throughout my life, the desire to hang myself will get weaker, but then the desire ends up coming back and lately, I have been feeling this desire, almost nonstop!

The thing that makes matters worse is I feel so alone and isolated with this issue! For all the other people who are suicidal, I can’t figure out why they don’t want to die while they are having sex or spanking their monkey? It sounds like a fun way to die and the only time that I feel happy is while I am in a state of euphoria, while the rest of the time, I feel intense anxiety, while feeling yucky and misunderstood!

I know that David Carradine and Mike Hutchens from INXS got to die from autoerotic asphyxia and no one knows why they would do such a thing? I know exactly what was going through their minds! There used to be someone who posted in Google Groups who talked about how he wanted to die from autoerotic asphyxia and eventually, he did! I am mentioning this because I feel so isolated with all this!

Also, I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome a few years ago, which certainly explains some of what I am going through, but it doesn’t explain everything? While I was being diagnosed with Asperger’s, I never told them about this autoerotic asphyxia shit! I don’t trust those people and I don’t feel comfortable sharing what I just shared now! This is a very deep thing and I am afraid that if I tell anyone about this, I will end up getting committed to a mental institution! I am so afraid that if it gets botched when I try to hang myself, I am afraid that I will end up getting committed to a mental institution. I have heard the horror stories from those who have been in the psyche ward and I would rather die from this then end up in one of those horrible evil places! The people who run these places are such evil horrible corrupt fucking scum! Why are they allowed to get away with this? People who are suicidal are supposed to get real help, but what they do there is harm and why are they able to get away with this? That’s a major reason that I want to hang myself is because there is no help and there is no cure and the “treatment” is worse than being dead!

I am a writer and I know that I was put on this Earth to share my ideas and vision with the world! I know that I have a lot of unique gifts and talents, but most people on this planet are a bunch of assholes who treated me like shit! I am a very unique person, which is why it is so difficult for me to want to live in this world any longer! There are so many things that I would like to do before I die, but I can’t stand being in this world and that intense feeling that I will be loved, accepted and appreciated in a better world gives me that intense desire to hang myself! I know that there are a few people who care about me, very few, but that’s not enough to stop my intense temptation to hang myself!

I have only 1 close friend in this world who’s about 10 years older than me. When this person dies, I am going to take my life without hesitation! For all, I know, this person could get killed in a car accident tomorrow! I’m not going to bother to grieve and be isolated in this world of stupidity! I’m going to join them! This person lives in a different city and I visited them last March. I am hoping to visit them this upcoming October, but I might not be able to survive this up until then? When I left to go back home, I felt depressed knowing that I might die from this before I see them again, but the thought of death gives me such an intense feeling of calm and peace! This person doesn’t know that I am into autoerotic asphyxia, but strongly suspects that I am suicidal! This person will be divested if I hang myself, but that feeling that I will be loved, understood and accepted in another world is very, very deep. I’m not interested in doing this to hurt someone who cares about me, but I’m interested in doing this because I want to be sent to a world in which I will feel love and accepted! I know that there is a 90% chance that I am going to die from this, but if I could talk to some one about this, I might be able to survive this for a few more years as long as I got my health, but once my health goes, it’s over!