Almost 12 in the morning. I haven’t get out of bed. Downstairs, my dogs are barking at something. They’re nervous, they haven’t gone for a walk for some days now. I feel terribly guilty for it. I guess that just not guilty enough to find the courage to face the world.
At some point, I’ll need to leave the bed, even if it’s just to feed them and go to the bathroom. It feels like an enormous job to do.
No Internet, not phone at home. The bill hasn’t been paid. Some weeks ago, it would have dragged me to anxiety. Today, it’s almost a relief not to be permanently connected with everyone. Still, at whiles I catch a free wi-fi net. Two days ago, I exited all the WhatsApp groups, they keep adding me. I’ve also been without facebook for some days, don’t miss it.
Not enough wi-fi to watch series. It doesn’t matter. I can just be under the blankets all day, trying not to think and letting the time pass.
I guess some day I’ll have to stop pretending that I’m sick and go to work.
If I could just not talk or see anyone for some time without that meaning to lose them forever…
Ps: Sorry for my English. It’s my fourth language, still don’t know how to express some things.
3 comments
Actually, your English is probably better than about 80-90% of people who have it as a first language.
I sense that you’re tired of living. I am, too… Maybe you need a distraction from the mundanity. Music instruments and computer games are good ones. Buy civilization 3 or Baldur’s gate to pass time. Video games are good distractions too. They don’t fix anything but it’s better than doing nothing.
On second thought, sometimes distractions might not work because while you’re engaging them you might start asking yourself why am I doing this? I don’t know, sometimes they help until you’re ready to face the world… or the hereafter.
Thank you for your comment, Ryder.
Autocorrect does a lot, I suppose.
I’m not a big fan of videogames, I’ve never played more than the small silly games in the smartphone.
I do play music -piano and guitar-, or I did, cause I haven’t been playing for months. I also stopped my singing lessons some time ago, too expensive. However, I don’t feel like singing. I’ve been trying to play the guitar the last days, it just makes me anxious because of not being able to enjoy it.
I’m a mess. Still, I do believe that eventually I’ll figure out how to live again. I just need a long pause. Hope you will too.
I know exactly what you mean. When the house is quiet and the dogs need attention you dont have the heart to give them. All you want to do is sleep the pain away. Nothing can hurt more than reality, maybe you even have a dream where things are ok. Those are the best. Until you wake up. Then they’re the worst.