I want somebody to be with. I don’t deserve it. Right now it feels like I have no chance with anyone. But that doesn’t stop me wanting it.
I’ve completely fucked up my life, beyond repair. But that doesn’t stop me obsessing over what could have been.
I signed up to an online dating site, more from desperation than anything. The matchmaking system threw up a woman who seems ideal – warm, nice-looking, geeky, down to earth, clever, quirky. I keep looking at her profile, re-reading her answers to questions, wanting to message her. But what would I say?
‘Hi, you seem like just the kind of woman I would’ve liked to be with, if I wasn’t such a complete loser. If I wasn’t such a shitty person. If I thought I could open myself up to anyone without them turning away in disgust.’
I wish I had been that person. But I’m not. I’m broken. I’m sick in the head. I’m worthless. I have nothing real to offer anyone.
I cannot change the past. All I can do is try and learn from it, and adjust as much as I can for the future. But my mind won’t stop tormenting me with what could’ve been. It doesn’t want to settle for slowly building something complicated, or superficial, or deceptive. It wants something complete, something real, right now. But all it’s achieving is to keep me awake, making it harder for me to move forward tomorrow.
I don’t know how to live with this longing. It feels like the only meaningful thing in life is out of reach. But I can’t give up on it, as hopeless as it seems. It’s like I’m constantly banging my head against a brick wall.
5 comments
Don’t give up, you’re not worthless. You sound interestingly mysterious x3
Also, don’t beat yourself up so much about your past, there are people in the world who will accept it, even if you never will. And not just your past, but your present too. There is always someone out there who will see the good that you fail to see in your own self.
I can’t imagine anyone really understanding my past and being able to accept it, unless they were totally delusional. Even if there was someone out there for whom the good they saw in me would outweigh the bad, how would I ever find them?
Self pity and lonely, I think. Look, you’re worth it. If you REALLY want to, you can change your life. It might take some time, but if you’re dedicated you can do it. You’re smart. Believe in yourself.
Loneliness definitely. And I guess self pity. Which is pointless, obviously. But I don’t know how to stop that feeling. There’s nothing else left.
There are things in my life I can change. But I will still be the same person at route. And that person is never going to be acceptable, no matter how far I go.
Loneliness can kick your ass sometimes but there are people out there that crave your attention too. The dating sites are a good idea, try more than one site and google some pick up lines or just say “How you doin’?”. That usually brings the conversation to a fair beginning where your next line should come more naturally. I noticed many desperate and picky women on some of those sites and it was fun to chat with them. Good luck and remember you always have yourself to offer.