I don’t know why I’m posting. I guess because I can’t share this with anyone else. But I have 4 more days to go. I’m both at peace and afraid. I’m afraid I’ll fail. I can think of nothing worse than failing. My method I hope is as foolproof as anything can be but then nothing is ever 100%. My plan is meticulous. But once it starts I cannot stop. Even best laid plans may be interrupted though and as long as I haven’t started I can delay it. I hope I don’t need to though.
I want so much to go through with it. I want this all to end, for it to be over, for there to be peace. But yet there is still a tiny, small part of me that doubts. That tries to bargain with myself. It will come down to the day whether I can go through with it. I’m tired, tired of fighting, tired of trying. I just want oblivion. I haven’t drank alcohol for over 2 years but this last week twice I’ve drank myself into unconsciousness and you know it was amazing. One second you’re there and then nothing. Only coming to 6 hours later spoils it a bit. I would continue this but I don’t want to become an alcoholic. I really don’t think that’s going to help anything.
I’ve written my suicide notes now. I’m sorting my affairs. It won’t take long, not really. There is some paperwork I need to destroy, some I need to sort so that at least things are neat. I just need to find the energy to be able to do this. I haven’t much left in me now. Sleeping, crying and numbness are all that’s left. I can eat again at least. Now that my appetite has returned I’ll eat anything I want even if I do put on weight it’ll not matter now. But there’s nothing much left I want to eat now. I’ve been through everything.
I don’t expect any comments. I don’t really need them. I just need to write because I no longer have anyone else to turn to. My story isn’t anything special, it’s not horrific, it’s not even interesting. But my pain is real and that’s all that matters.
16 comments
In the same boat you are friend… only my countdown has come and gone just yesterday, failing of course but I haven’t given up hope of leaving soon. Let the new count begin. It was a very surreal experience… I mean “pulling the trigger”. You don’t have to share, but I am curious of your plan. Mine was to hang myself but was easy knowing if I started to panic, I could stop myself… which I did many many times. Then I set up the exit bag… ” the trigger” or point of no return for me was once I put the helium filled bag over my head. There was an hour of contemplation which I was actually very surprised didn’t go on much longer, but I just reached the point of “fuck it… peace, I’m out”. I started thinking of happiness and how it MUST exist on the other side… then the panic started… not because I wanted to back out… seriously, I was not backing out… but because my damn body wanted its precious life sustaining oxygen. So now I just have to up the ante… like I’m playing hardball with my life. God is watching me… laughing probably… but not in an evil way, just like… “dang, I really do make them work for it sometimes”… death that is. And the first thing I’m going to say when I meet Him is… “what was up with all of that?”… Life that is. And He’ll be like… “forget about it… it’s all over and now you will live like a king for eternity. Those suckers who made your life hell will know what hell really is. We cool?” And I’ll be like, “yeah, of course we are.”
So blue… if you want a person to vent your non interesting story to, or be a unbiased party during your final days, look no further. I believe your pain is more real than anything… you deserve, if only from a random stranger, at least someone to acknowledge that pain.
Thank you for reading & replying. I’m sorry you did not find the peace you were looking for. One day we will all have it. It’s always the body versus the mind in these situations. It doesn’t matter how much you want it your body will fight to survive. That’s what worries me.
I’ve tried hanging. Full suspension was far too painful to go for, partial not as much but it is very tricky to get right. The one time I think I got it right I wasn’t ready to go. I was just trialing it. Sometimes things take practice. A few seconds and I was almost gone. This is my backup plan. I think combined with alcohol might be good.
Exit bag was my preferred method years ago but I never got to the position of trying it. Now it just seems too complicated.
Now… I have access to medication. Enough to be almost sure. Almost because you never really know how your body will react. But if I tried and failed I would not be dead but my life would be over in more ways than one. I know I’m in hell now but that, I could not face. And then there would be no escape because you would surely be watched from that point onwards. There’s only one shot at this.
If you want to share your reasons too feel free…
Hi bluesun,
I’m sorry to hear you are in so much pain. You sound pretty determined. I hope somehow you can find a way back. I don’t know your story, but everyone have their reasons. I hope you would reconsider. You can talk about your pain if you want.
I don’t want to die, but I know I have to go soon as well.
As it seems you are aware, pills might seem like a good idea, but I personally don’t like the horror stories of them failing… or not failing you. Good luck if you decide to take the plunge… nothing in my mind is worse than being caught or put in a non fatal debilitating outcome as a result of an attempt. CO poisoning is my back up back up plan but I fear surviving with massive brain damage. I was living in my car for a week at a state park in January… freezing cold but I didn’t care. Every day I had my grill ready to light and all I had to do was put the damn thing in my car. I was so sure every single night it was going to happen, but couldn’t do it. I then found a place to live temporarily and each night while my roommate was sleeping, I would contemplate/experiment with hanging until again… each night I was so sure I was going to go through with it. The last attempt was realizing the pain involved so I gathered the exit bag supplies. I had the system hooked up for a good couple weeks next to my bed and went through the motions but never turned the helium on. The day I had planned on doing it, I instead called my mom and was crying my eyes out telling her I was going to check out. She convinced me to move in with her as she is getting ready to move to a new place and I had a brief sense of hope. Long story short, I am living with her for a little over a month and nothing has changed… still completely intent on ending it. I went back to hanging as I tried to convince myself that there has to be a way… I mean people accidentally hang themselves all the time with the choking game or autoeroticism so why can’t I purposely accidentally hang myself… right? No dice… and I tried… I mean gave it full on attempt after attempt, but eventually I was just mentally exhausted. So that’s when I went back to helium… this time, I knew it was for real… or so I hoped. I have to wait until my mom leaves again before I can implement my next plan. I just have to have confidence I can make myself pass out in the meantime then I think I am golden. Noose around neck and in a position where failure of my limbs = suspension and then use the helium to make myself pass out. I can only see this as being completely painless and foolproof… but there has to be a catch or you’d think you would see this kind of thing all the time, right? Or maybe I am just a genius who has mastered suicide using the best of both worlds. 🙂
As for my reasons, waaaaay to complicated to explain, but in short, I had my entire life ripped apart from every angle… just after it was getting good. Some entity or entities had a hit on me for some bogus reasons and I was harassed and stalked as if I was a terrorist until I was driven out of the life I spent my entire life making for myself. I am now living in unfamiliar territory, unemployed and suffering from major PTSD. Borderline agoraphobic, completely isolated and zero hope of ever entering back into this evil society. The prospect of any future I see for myself is pure hell.
How about you?
Well good luck on what ever you wish to do. I am ALL for choice. I really hope you did study up on the right methods because suicide is easy to screw up. far more people fail at it than succeed. this is why im sort of putting myself in college about it so when MY time comes, ill know what to do and how to do it!
Why put yourself through college? I mean, FUCK, if you can figure out out how to do it now then YOU won’t waste money on college. This way you let all those professors regret that you weren’t in there class. And I’m also for choice and exercising your free will.
I know what it feels like when you don’t seem like you have a future. Your problems seem tangible, so I’m not going to say it’s the depression or PTSD talking, and repeat that old cliche, “things are going to get better.” I hate it when people say that. I’m sorry you feel as though your whole life has been ripped apart.
I am sorry too. The tragic part of my story is that I have been through enough hell in my own life to barely hold on for a long long battle with depression. Despite it all, I still made my contribution to society and I was damn good at my job… always receiving the best compliments (not that this mattered to me) but it showed that I was holding my own. The thing is, miraculously I came to a point where I was able to confront so many of these issues to the point where my life was awesome… my future seemed brighter than ever. And then BAM! 2 months later, a ‘friend’ and colleague betrays and lies which in turn I am deceived and lied to by several of my bosses ultimately putting me in a position where I left my job of 14 years. This wasn’t as devastating as finding out at the same time that my home was bugged (yes, I actually found a bug in a fire alarm and cameras in my sprinklers), my phone was tapped, and all my private and sometimes embarrassing activity had been monitored by some organization (later found out was gang stalking) including the help of the FBI. I can’t tell you how violated I felt, but the aftermath is astonishingly effective in what they were purposely trying to do… which is destroy every aspect of my life. And they succeeded… swimmingly. And no justice, at least in my time, will come to them. I did nothing wrong, rather I was targeted for who knows why but probably being a messed up loner for so long, they saw me as an expendable piece of rubbish. I don’t even care anymore… I just want off this planet. 35 years is enough and I have lived a full life experiencing more than I could have ever hoped.
I’m sorry you had to go through that at your old job. You have to remember that not everyone shares the same values in the workplace. Once you realize that, then you can deal with anybody.
As for the other stuff, you’re starting to sound like a paranoid schizophrenic. Why would someone spend all those resources on you? I’m sorry, but the government doesn’t waste money just because they think you’re a loner. Perhaps, as you alluded to in your earlier post, they did think you were a terrorist. Maybe they thought you were a big time drug dealer like Walter White in Breaking Bad. Or, perhaps you did do something wrong. I’m sure if somebody looks hard enough they can justify anything.
OR, maybe it’s all a sunk cost at this point. Behavioral studies have shown that, in spite of a project moving to a negative NPV, managers will continue to pour more money into it. They do this because they don’t want to admit to their peers that the project was a bad investment to begin with. But, then again, if you’re right and this is the government, then they’re known to waste a little money from time to time. 😉 Either way, you’re fucked if this is really happening.
If you’re taking your meds and you still think all this is happening, then by all means, I think you have a solid case as to why you would want to off yourself. I don’t suggest doing that because that would be wrong because life is too precious to throw away. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I forgot to ask, on the lines, of you may be schizophrenic. Have you ever been put on a psychiatric hold? Where I’m at they are called a 5150/5250. Also, do have documented run-ins with the law for psychiatric reasons. If you have then this all part of your permanent record. I don’t think people would be surprised if you offed yourself. Perhaps that’s what they’re trying to make you do. As you said, “[they] destroy every aspect of your life,” so that you will be drive to do this. You don’t want to let them win do you? Just thought you should know this because it’s another reason to stick around.
Please write your full story and post it. I believe you.
You sound like one of “them”
I am really sorry they did that to you and don’t blame you for wanting to go after such a betrayal, but I have to say that you have pulled the wool from your eyes and can see and write about things we are left in the dark about. If this is happening to people who have served and know too much, or who are good decent people who can’t be bent to operate on such a sinister level, man you are really living history. Im praying for you and hope you find some joy before you go.
@ toast- not a schizo… the staff at the mental ward ran all kinds of diagnonsense and I aced that place. I don’t care if they ‘win’ here… life has never been a game for me. It just disturbs me greatly that this kind of stuff takes place enough that I am so disgusted to ever want to be a part of this society anymore. I believe in God’s justice and they haven’t won anything.
@ fern – I sound like one of ‘them’? Whatever you say. Thanks for believing me at the same time. My story is way too long to post and will just sound delusional… Though it gives me a whole new take on so called crazy people. I think people do get caught up in bad places in their lives by trusting the wrong people and putting their faith where it doesn’t belong. Some get caught up in it and end up contributing to the madness… I am not those people. I just have been exposed to way too much for one lifetime and now seeing the truth… as you say the wool has been lifted… it is too much to subject myself to this world anymore. I have faith God will sort this out and will forgive that I am seeing myself out. God bless the ones who are in the dark who have yet to see the truth or who are in the midst of opening there eyes.
I’m glad you believe in God. I wish you the best, regardless of what you choose.