I remember that old song “it’s my party and I will cry if I want to.”
I kinda feel like that today. As my time comes to an end, I find myself doing a lot of things for the last time. It has a bittersweet quality to it.
My life before her was neither happy nor unhappy. I was just rolling along, existing the best could at any given point in time. Some ups, some downs, but mostly even keel.
Then she came to me and everything changed. Both for good and bad. But mostly good. I got to experience love and family. The two most important things in life.
I gave up everything to be with her. I don’t regret it for even a second. When she left me, I lost everything remaining, including my will to live. I still don’t regret my decision to be with her.
I have a lot of regrets, but loving her is not one of them. Loving her kids is not one of them, either. As time draws near, I have nothing but unconditional love for them in my heart.
I forgive them for all the pain and anguish they have caused me the past few months. I hope they forgive me for my many mistakes. My intentions were always good.
So this is my party. I have cried so much the last 8 months. I’m amazed my body can still produce tears. But it still does, and I still cry.
I love you my beautiful girl. I love you son, daughter and little daughter. You are not mine anymore in reality, but you will always be mine in my heart.
Always and forever.
I love you.
Goodbye.
5 comments
Hey do you need to talk to someone?
Yeah, what Numb said. Your pain right now is terrible, but if you had a way to talk thru it to someone who will listen, would it help? ( sympathetic ear offering here)
Thank you both for your compassionate offer. Unfortunately even though I don’t mind talking about my situation, it doesn’t make any difference really. I talk to my therapist twice a week, and it doesn’t make any difference. Talk to my parents, my siblings, my three remaining friends, it’s all the same. Nothing can make a difference at this point.
But, I have decided to postpone my attempt for another day. Just wanted everyone that was interested in my situation to know I’m still alive for now.
It doesn’t really help that much, but I do agree with that old adage “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Plus I wouldn’t have my son if we had never met. So yeah, even tough I’m dying inside, I’m a better man for having known her. Had a wonderful visit with my son today. He’s not very happy with the way his life is now, but he did express to me today that he’s really glad that he has me in his life to help guide him through life (particularly starting university this fall). So I guess I still serve a purpose.
You do serve a purpose as a father. I wish I did, too. I’m sure that would be enough to keep me from ending it all. I still would have the same amount of pain, but I think I could live with it if I had a reason to stay alive.