This is the crap in my head. It will probably never go out to anyone but maybe if I post it here it will help me.
I cheated on my boyfriend with my supervisor. After being with him for 10 years and begging him for marriage and kids, after he broke up with me twice I cheated on him. Through the years everytime I felt neglected or ignored i’d get depressed and flirt with guys around me. I never actually liked, was attracted to or gave a shit about these people but the attention was like a drug a quick hit to make me feel better. I didnt know I had to do that myself. I had to make myself feel better because no one could force me to feel better. I was depressed but didnt know it. The flirting was a way to stop feeling depressed. The guy I ended up actually having sex with I didnt even like when I met him. When he flirted with me it was a boost to my non existent self esteem but because I didnt believe in me it did nothing buy boost me for a short amount of time. I confessed 3 months later to not just what I did but to everything, all the flirting and attention grabbing. I compound iy now because I think I am scum. My confession was 2.5 years ago and instead of time healing it just made me better at hiding what I actually feel inside. I hate myself, truly hate myself. Anytime I hear of something wrong morally somrone else did I tell myself I am probably capable of that too. It makes me feel worse and worse everyday. Death feels like the ultimate peace. I feel I am a burden to everyone. My brother, my ex, my parents, my friends, everyone. People like me when they meet me buy inside I feel empty and like a lie.
My mother was just diagnosed with cancer. She survived it 15 years ago but now its back. If I lose her I lose my last reason to be here. My brother and father will be fine without me, she is the only one I know I will truly hurt if I end my life so I keep living for her. The day she is no longer here is the day I have no more reason to live.
The thought of it seems incredible selfish to me and yet I do not care, all I want is peace. All I want is a happy life. I dont know what that is anymore.
1 comment
i’m sorry to hear that. i too can’t remember most of the time the feeling of being happy. seems i carry too much weight from the past to actually feel something today. i know i should talk about it, and i do, from time to time, because it’s the right thing to do. please consider telling the people in your life not just the things you did, but also how you felt doing them. maybe it will give them the understanding of what you are going through today.