For months, I have been questioning the point of life. I have had anxiety for four years now. Acute anxiety that affects my every day life. Recently, I became extremely depressed to the point where never cleaned my room (was absolutely disgusting and unlivable) cried before going to class, had to leave multiple times because of breaking down in class. I hated walking anywhere, I hated taking care of myself, I stopped talking to friends. I started abusing drugs and alcohol. I chain smoked for months. I was so sad for no reason, and felt so worthless. Now, I have moved back home with my parents and it could not be worse. im on medication for depression, i abuse klonopin, i drink on klonopin, and i started taking painkillers before bed. Everything i love has been taken from me. I can not see my partner for months because of the break, I have no job, nothing to do. I cannot drive. I am trapped in this house being constantly watched. i live in a very dangerous area and i can’t go outside without being in constant fear. i don’t have any money. If i’m not keeping busy at all times of the day, i start thinking about how pointless life is. Almost every single day i fantasize about killing myself and it makes me feel free. nothing has value to me anymore. nothing is important. i feel like i am carrying the pain of many people. i feel like an open wound. i am afraid of my thoughts and actions, and i feel like i cannot continue on any longer. it hurts too much.
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I can empathize entirely with what you are saying, I hope we can talk and maybe try to help each other out of the funks we are both experiencing.
Hi lex, that really sucks. I know what it’s like to be trapped; it sucks the life right out of you. But you have an internet connection so you still have a line to the outside world. I think interacting with like-minded people is key. And you’re doing that, so that’s a big step. As for finding hope, maybe you can find online communities that share your interests? For example if you write poetry, join an online poetry forum and share your work (or heck, post it here). The idea is to connect with people on a level you’re not getting from the people around you. I like movies, so sometimes when life seems hopeless I’ll go to imdb and join some discussion about Scream 3 or whatever dumb flick I happen to think of haha. And sometimes that leads to meeting people you can collaborate or work with. Isn’t that the basis of hope, achieving something bigger? So anyway, what’s your cup of tea?