I am fifty-one. I can’t believe I am still here because I never wanted to live. I want to die. I feel badly when I hear about people dying when they wanted to live and had a lot to live for because I continue on with almost no will to live. I will probably live to be ninety unless I intervene. I’ve wondered if living is my punishment.
Nobody gives a shit. I hear about people who drop dead, and nobody notices for weeks, months, and even years. I worry about that happening to me. Luckily I don’t have any pets.
I must be a terrible person because nobody has really ever cared about me. My mom did when I was a baby, but not after around my seventh birthday. My father never did care. He recently passed away. I tried to help him. Nothing was ever good enough for those two. Nothing.
I don’t have any friends. My boyfriend died in my home last year. A few people helped at first, but I spent two weeks alone in the house with almost zero support from anyone. Not even phone calls. That is when it dawned on me that I must be a very unlikeable person nobody wants to be around.
So every night I hope that I will not wake up the next day. I’ve told a few people I feel like offing myself…nobody cares. I am tired and really have no reason to keep struggling.
4 comments
You are not a terrible person. If you have been struggling with these feelings for decades then you are a FIGHTER! Do you know how many people give in after having these feelings for only a few days? I cannot imagine the strength you have.
If people do not want to spend time with you then that is their loss. I am here if you ever want to talk to someone. Just message me.
I understand your feelings about not being someone people want to be around. At the age of 31 I finally opened up to my family about my suicidal thoughts and tendancies. Not one action was taken. No one even cared. That’s when the feelings of “if I die no one will care or notice” are validated.
You are a fighter, but all those years of fighting and struggling take their toll. I wish you the best of luck. I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. It’s the scariest thought to me, losing my husband. You’re in my thoughts. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you both so much for responding to me. I told a couple of family members and people I thought were friends how I feel…not all of it…but that I would be better off dead. Radio silence. I honestly cannot believe two total strangers showed me more compassion than people I reached out to.
I just want a painless and sure fire way to slither out of this life. I am afraid I won’t do it right. And I cannot imagine what that fate would be.
You are not unlikeable. You have been unfortunate. Message me if u want.