When I was kind of living all over the place, she stepped in and helped me, even though I didn’t really like her. When CPS came and saw me, I went to church with her that day and spent the night with her. I was TOTALLY freaking out and she talked with me and stayed up with me till 1 in the morning. She laid next to me and played with my hair to calm me down. She took me for the weekend to her home town and we stayed at her parents and met her siblings and aunts. They were totally nice to me. Saturday night she laid in the bed with me and we just talked and talked about the pills and how I hate myself so much. She told me she wants to help me, but she feels that she won’t be enough. Like she will give me all the love and support I need but she feels that she won’t be enough, which made me cry because she is amazing. Sunday for church I was craving pain pills so bad. (No I do not need them for medical reasons.) I ran inside the house to go get them, so chased after me and she had me lay my head in her lap an played with my hair. She told me she loved the girl I was when I wasn’t high on pills. She told me that she needed me just as much as I needed her. I don’t see her as a teacher of mine anymore, I am also developing feelings for her that I shouldn’t… She still picks me up on Wednesdays and Sundays for church. She brings me around her family and her daughters love me. She helps me so much. She told me that she is truly scared that I might take too many pills and die from them or get sick. I don’t want to hurt her. I am not planning on stopping my pill taking and cutting myself. That is what I do, that’s my coping mechanism. That’s what makes me ME. I do not think I have a drug problem (other people may say differently but, everyone has a opinion). She wants me in her life. She has goals for me. She wants to help me get my drivers license and work on getting into college. She wants me to continue to be a part of her and her familys life, and I honestly love it. But, I dont know. I know one day im just going to go too far and take too many pills or cut to deep so I just want to push everyone who cares about me away. So when I die no one will be sad that I’m gone. No one will care.
Advice? Suggestions? Comments?
1 comment
I have a friend who deals with pain pill addiction.
Men are always taking advantage of her because of it. She hates her life and admits that being put in an institution is the only way she will stop.
It’s so hard to stand by and watch her destroy herself..but it’s how bad her life is that teaches me things that will improve my life and make me wiser. I may not be able to do anymore than just care about her..but in the end she is unknowingly helping me rationalize things about myself that I didn’t understand before. It is possible, and probably more than likely that your teacher is in need of you, to prove to herself that she is in fact “enough” to help..that she can prove to herself that she can truly help others, in attempts to fulfill a seemingly empty space in her heart or her conscience. It’s important to both of you that you try your best to deal with the pain so that both your efforts aren’t in vein.
My friend doesn’t do anything to help herself.. consistently getting worse to the point that no one wants to help her anymore. She recently had to have part of her intestine and spleen removed. Soon she will meet the end of her road if she doesn’t start dealing with the pain. You must suffer if you are gonna recover..there is no going around that. And you will lose everyone you love if you don’t start truly caring about your own improvement. It’s ok to ask for advice even if it seems like you should have the answer already. Ask for advice and opinions on how you should be feeling, what actions to take and even how selfish you appear. Listen to and accept what you are told.
The drugs will continue to distort your judgment and as long as the drugs are controlling you, you won’t be able to make real choices for yourself. You will only do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better. And you also have to admit to yourself if you are taking pain pills with no medical reason, and you do it often..then that means you are addicted.
Hope you can find some strength to get better. Sounds like your life is just beginning and it’s time to move up from this.