Well, hello everybody.
Although I’m not considering myself a banana tree, as the title would suggest, I feel like I’m losing it. I’ve become obsessed with the idea of killing myself. For about 2 years now not a single day has passed without such thoughts. And I don’t know why – there’s no rational reasoning behind this, not a thing. I’ve never been a bubbling kind of gal but now it’s getting out of hand. Every now and then I experience this ridiculous feeling that could be best described as a combination of infirmity, frustration and identity disruption, causing an actual pain, as if my head was about to explode. So overwhelming and alluring at the same time. The solution seems so simple – go see a doctor, FREAK – but I’m afraid to change that state of mind, as if it was equal to losing a part of me, the only REAL thing defining my individuality. For me it’s a choice between dying and selling my soul.
Hey, I really needed to write that down to see how stupid it was.
5 comments
itskindofafunnystory,
welcome to the party! I think like that everyday, your not alone, are you normal? I’d say yes, do I think you need go see a doctor? I’d say no, sounds as if things are getting you down, sounds as if you are realizing things aren’t like the dream world you were taught to believe in, when reality sets in we get more depressed knowing the truth getting smart doesn’t mean getting happier, our problem is letting go of the dream world, we keeping comparing it to reality, which just brings us down more and more, what can you do? first forget the dream world life is not what you were lead to believe, accept reality life is a struggle lots of ups and lots of downs, there is no Santa Claus, people are far from perfect they are imperfect, they make mistakes, self centered and constantly do the wrong thing, come to grips with that then the disappointment you feel with the world will become easier to swallow, what can you do? to change the world? not much but you can change yourself, be the person you want to be, and be at peace knowing you have done your best, your not responsible for the actions of others, it’s important to be happy with yourself.
Hey rocektman, thanks for the reply!
But let’s get down to business. To me that so called “real” world is as much of an illusion as the “dream” world itself, that’s probably why i’m not taking life seriously in the first place 🙂 And i don’t feel the need to change anything anymore, especially myself. I remember being 15-16, filled with self-hatred, trying hard to fit in, seeking approval an so on. Apparently all I needed to do was to accept myself (so cliche). I achieved the greatest change not willing to change antything (oh life, u so tricky). Anyway, I don’t know what kind of person I want to be, I’ll take whatever there is for me, as long as it’ll feel real.
But I fail to understand ONE thing – what keeps pushing me to part with this world, since it hasn’t done me any harm? Probably some kind of somatic-based matter, I just refuse to believe that it’s the body that controls mind, not the other way round.
Hey I don’t know about you, but I like having 1001 yellow daffodils dancing in front of me. Kudos on having excellent taste in music 😀
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this exotic incurable disease. But for what it’s worth, what you said at the end is what I want on my tombstone. Damn brilliant. “It’s a choice between dying and selling my soul.”
Ha, I was hoping for someone to drop by and sing along, was not disappointed 🙂 And thank you for appreciating my epitaph-designing skills!
lol Stick around, Scaramouche, we can do the fandango 🙂
About your sudden, unprovoked obsession with suicide, I have a weird theory that suicidal thoughts are natural as we progress in our evolutionary development. It’s the social stigma against suicide that makes it seem wrong (possibly magnifying those thoughts), but I think it’s natural to get to the point where we assess our own value and determine if we should live or die.
Call it nature’s last predator for a species that has defeated all other predators & most diseases. Nature’s last line of defense to keep us from ballooning out of control is to give us the ability to regulate our own lives with suicide.
I think that’s what separates us from the lower animals (and by “lower animals” I simply mean shorter ones who can’t reach the medicine cabinet). We have reached a point where we can do what’s best for the world by simply leaving it. Or so we think. OK now back to K-NUTZ Radio playing all the rockin hits to ease you into insanity. Any requests?