I have attempted suicide several times. Obviously, they failed. I don’t want to fail again.
I have tried everything thing under the sun to get to a point of being ok with myself and my place in this world. I have had fleeting moments of okay-ness, but only fleeting as I always come back to wanting to die.
I don’t trust anyone outside of a few family members who partially understand what I am feeling and give me the same advice of “pull up your bootstraps,” bullshit. I know they love me and don’t want me to suffer and I appreciate that. The thing is, I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. My light is slowly burning out and I know it.
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Life is overwhelming and fighting for it can be exhausting. I am sorry you feel this way. Me too. I was having a very bad day, feeling fearful and so lost. I called my crisis line and talked for over an hour. She asked me how long I’d been feeling this fear. All my life. Is it always this intense? Yes. She listened to me, she told me that my feelings are my feelings and it must be so difficult to go through this all the time. Yes.
I felt like she understood and cared how I felt. I usually feel I have to tough it out, there is no one to help. I told her I have to go on, face the fears and pain. I have to work through the fear.
I mean, keep trying to live while feeling these fears and pain. Tonight I feel the same way again. I have been sitting at the grocery store café using their wifi. I don’t want to go home where I am alone. I fear I can’t get done what I need to. I have a big move and I am excited to go. But the days are dwindling down and I am getting behind? Am I? It is so hard to judge and I just have to get things done. Only tomorrow I have to get my car worked on and I have to pack too.
What I am trying to say is that trying circumstances are taxing. Especially alone. But giving up, hurting you is not the answer. That, I truly believe will bring on more pain to you. I have about an ounce of faith left- I think there is life after death but I would sure create a negative vibe/ pain killing me. Even if that is not true- just as bad I would be dead, unable to ever recover from this demon.
Please know you are important. You have a message/ work that only you can do. Hold on. Keep searching. There would be a hole where you are to be if you died.
(((((unlovedbyme)))))