First time posting I’m really just looking for places I can get advice without being judged. Yes I am new so just bare with me as I try to explain my story.
It all all started when I was little, I was told I had really bad behaviour problems this was around the age of 5-12 years old. My parents have told me the only way they could make me behave was to slap me, or to punch me just any means they thought was appropriate, I had therapy when I was really young because I used to hit myself, I never mixed with other kids either which didn’t help. I can remember jumping up in my bathroom mirror and crying to my mother saying no one can be that ugly and I was convinced the mirror lied to me.. being 18 years of age now It still comes back and haunts me.. especially in my dreams. My parents divorced and my mother blamed me s obviously I blamed myself too, this was at the age of 12/13 and this is when everything started going down hill I got severely depressed I was hopeless I had no one but it wasn’t till I was around the age of 15 that I knew tarted to hurt myself, which to this day has not stopped.
My own mother has told me to go die, that she hates me and that I’m the worst son in the world. I guess I knew myself but it’s one think to think it and one to get told by the person who’s meant to be there more than anyone.
I have a lot of pain and self hatred which is too much to bare, I lost my girlfriend who was my everything and who I’m still deeply in love with, she’s not moved on from me. I try to drown everything out in alcohol, but what goes up must come down, I have really good happy times and I’ll randomly just start crying. i don’t want I go to the doctors as my career choice is within the police force and I’m sure they won’t accept me with a medical record like mine if I went.
I used to be strong and I would I anything for a friend who would just be here for me, the sense of loneliness is horrible. A lot of people get angry at me for nothing especially my ex which m akes everything so much worse and I’ve tried telling her this. I constantly have panic attacks, I don’t eat because I want to be attractive to people especially my ex, I can’t even look at myself In the mirror. I hate myself.
I have dragged it on but basically, I can no longer deal with the pain, the upset or anything. I don’t have friends I can talk to. I only see my option is to kill myself take my own life and end it all, I’ve tried but I care far too much about other people to leave them behind like that.
I have have no idea what to do, I don’t know which days going to be my last. Thankyou for reading my story.
Maybe this my suicide note, maybe this is me just unloading what i keep bottled up. Who knows.
– LP