I’ve never posted anything about my depression online for everyone to see. Hell, I’ve never even told anyone about it for fear they’ll look at me differently. Anyway, here goes. I’m eighteen years old and there’s not a day that goes by I don’t think of killing myself. The worst part is, there’s not just one reason or a specific traumatic event I can blame it on. Honestly, my issues don’t seem half as bad as the majority and I know I should be thankful and appreciative but I can’t. I’m just sad. All the fucking time. I used to think it was because my parents were very emotionally distant (they divorced when I was 10), and I don’t remember ever hearing I love you’s from them but I know they do, they just show it in another way. Then there’s my best (and only) friend. She’s the opposite of me- outspoken, sure of herself, confident. The one time I told her I had these thoughts she told me I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and grow up, there’s so much to be happy about. And I know in my heart she just wants what’s best for me, but it just made me feel more alone, like it was wrong for having these feelings. I don’t know. I read a lot of YA books, and when I was younger I used to think I needed a guy to come in and save me, fix me, make me realize how easy it was to feel alive. But as I get older, I think of how that’s just utter bullshit. You can’t rely on another person for mental stability. It’s just not possible. I don’t know, I was thinking of considering therapy until I saw this site online. I don’t know what I want, just to stop waking up everyday feeling AFRAID and not knowing why.
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4 comments
Your not alone. Depression doesn’t require a special event or a bad life for it to raise it’s ugly head, sometimes it’s just simply a chemical imbalance that requires a little bit help either from a doctor, or someone who can help get the balance right again.
Like Bee, said, depression is not something that has to have a terrible trigger or something. Otherwise I wouldn’t be nearly as fucked up as I am, and it sounds like you have it rougher than I do.
I’m sorry that your parents aren’t more supporting and that you feel alone in this. But your not, not really anyway. Just about all of this on this site understand you to a point, and I want you to know that it’s not your fault, and that you don’t have to fix everything by yourself. You’re right that you can’t expect a knight in shining armor to fix everything, but that doesn’t mean someone can’t be by your side as you walk along the path.
If you’ve considered therapy, I would think about looking into it more. If you have access to it, it might be more affective than just being online because while we are all more than happy to help to the best of our ability, it’s still through the internet. Sometimes having someone you can turn to in real life as well is helpful. But being here would be a fine addition too if you feel that it helps you any.
Anyway, hope to hear more from you, and feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk =)
You got it. You cannot rely on another human for mental stability. It’s taken me almost a life time to realize this. There is only one who will stand by me and that’s the guy in the mirror. Every single person I place my trust, friendship, faith into has left me in the dust. People don’t really care. They can’t care. It’s impossible for them to really care because they have their own junk to deal with. They can’t even begin to see your stuff. Now, this sounds horrible and cynical, but my experience is that it’s reality. So, now I have my eyes open. I expect nothing from anyone. People will help you briefly and you can help someone briefly. A shrink will be your best buddy for a fee. A friend will stay with you for a while. But, you’re smart…mental stability is your job and yours alone. Good luck
yeah i am relying on my online boyfriend for mental stability and its gotten me nowhere, … Randall nice reply 🙂