I dont honestly know why im writing here for everyone to see, its not the kind of person i am to seek attention from anyone and that’s not really my intent. Ive had depression for majority of my life id say ever since high school with 3 attempts on my life however since then ive for the most part repressed as much as i could. I think im writing this literally to scream out my thoughts and how im feeling in the moment now and its just this overwhelming sense of helplessness and failure.
The Irony of this post is that i ‘should’ be okay, ive finished a degree in psychology i know down to the letter whats wrong with me and why i feel the depression and anxiety that i do, and i know exactly what any psychologist would say for me to do to ‘help myself’ however i know that this doesnt work because I for some messed up reason chose to hold all my well-being in a simple fact of not being alone. For majority of my life ive been consistently within a relationship literally with no breathing time between relationships its always been a bounce straight to the next literally for the sake of my own sanity. Now dont get me wrong i know why i do this, simply put – fucked up childhood, parents and close friends abandoning me and being set up for failure. For the psychological term my depression is based on seligmans learnt helplessness theory which in a simplistic way of explaining is that say i dont try in a math test clearly i know i fail, so then im told study and that way u do well – so i study and then i do the next test but still fail with either similar or worse results. – you eventually start telling yourself whats the god damn point in trying for anything when u know it doesnt matter what u do you fail and even when u do succeed even slightly at whatever random point, no one acknowledges it – and even if they did u dont know what its like to be acknowledged because you are so used to failure, so you just dismiss whatever they say.
i dont know why i do but i push my majority of my friends away but then again ive always been an introvert (someone who isnt outgoing) but relationships ive always held in such high regard for the sake of stability and as a way to say fuck you to my broken family by having a stable one… with a relationship im a pretty simple guy i dont mind what my girlfriend does all i want is for her to be healthy and happy, to a degree im human i do get jealous and i get worried she might leave me for someone else but then again who hasn’t… but of late shes decided she has two minds one where she loves and wants to be with me and the other she thinks she would be better off alone to have no strings attached – of which i cant work out what she means by it when i have literally said she can be in an open relationship if she wants. literally because of this i am broken ive generally kept a quite protected heart and mind after an old girlfriend cheated on me and wasnt honest.. and im stuck between a rock and a hard place, my depression feels like theres a weight or a dark entity thats on my back thats like a shadow that reaches out with its arms trying to penetrate me through my eyes, choking me and holding me down and making me exhausted.. it makes me think and know to the letter what i should do to kill myself and within a split second i know the nearest gun store, the closest rope and where i would drive to before funneling a hose from my car into the window etc. the only thing holding me back is guilt for my family mainly my grandparents and to a lesser extent my dad as my uncle committed suicide roughly the same age i am come to think of it. at most i feel like im on a timer waiting for my grandparents to pass before i do the deed. But this weight… omg this weight is unbearable with the fucking government screwing every young person over in terms of finance i dont know how to keep coping anymore… and this is the irony when i already know of the things i could do both good and bad…