Him

I met him last year around the end of August beginning of September. He was so nice to me. And he started flirting with me and saying how I was cute. Now I never really had a guy say this to me as I spent many years being called ugly and unattractive and you know. I started to devolop feelings for him and started to trust him. I loved his personality and it’s like, he was it for me. But I started to realize at the end that he only liked me for sex. It was lust for him. He only wanted my body. Every time we would go out he would act as if he never me met me or wouldn’t speak to me in public. But when it’s just us in private it was different. He treated his other friends just as they were; his friends. While he treated me like shit. I was something for him to play with, while he already had a girlfriend (which I did not know about!) and treating her like she was a queen. He came off as a good guy but when it was just me and him…he would make me feel bad…
Now with all that being said, I still think about him every single day. Why? Because he is the only guy that ever showed interest me even though it wasn’t for the right reasons. I remember every single conversation. Every time he came over. Every single thing we did. The weather that day. What I was wearing. Every little detail. And this is not healthy for me. I know this. But it is killing me. Every time I see him and his girlfriend together, I feel like crying. When I see his car I feel like crying. And I just literally think about him everyday. And I am telling you, It. Is. Killing me. I’m afraid to bump into him at school. We no longer speak and it just hurts even more to know that I wasn’t even a friend. That he could cut me off so easy. I just feel like I’ll never get over him…you know? It just sucks to think this way and on top of everything else that’s going on….I just feel like giving up on life. What is this I’m feeling? Love? Or just part of my depression and more of reason to kill myself?