Someone please tell me why after all I’ve been through, after all the measures I’ve taken to make sure I never wound up back there again, why am I back there again? Why am I losing everything that has ever mattered to me in a matter of less than two weeks? Why does it seem he doesn’t love me anymore, even though two weeks ago, we got engaged? Why do I feel as if nobody cares for me anymore? Why am I slipping back into the place of just wanting to die and end my life, and nobody would care anyway? I know it’s a lie now, but just why? Why am I still up crying to all odd hours of the night for someone who is much too busy with his own life to care? Why is it that it seems I’m just a bit too crazy for a sane guy like him, and why does it feel like he’s starting to see that himself? Why is it that the only person who will ever have my heart like this is starting to turn away? Why do I care? I’m used to this, so why do I care anyway? Why am I turning back into this psychotic nut job who really needs to just fucking die? Just like a dog with rabies, I need to be put down, so why hasn’t he just done a mercy killing on me and left me already? Why do I care? This has happened to me all my life, why do I care now? Why, when I am trying so hard to trust him, why can’t I trust him yet? Why, when I’m so beyond ready to love him forever, am I trying to run away still? Am I scared of being hurt again? Absolutely, but what is it about him that is worth running away from? He’s 1,400 miles away from me, but why do I want to put more distance between us? Why does my heart ache and grieve so much, like this, in the worst sort of way? He loves me, but why does his love hurt so bad? Why is it so beautiful, and yet hurt so bad? I know I don’t deserve it, but why can’t I accept that he thinks I do? Why does he continue to give his heart to me, time after time, when he knows that I’m so stupid, and I don’t know what to do with it, why does he do that? Why do I suddenly deserve this, selfish ***** that I am? Why do I deserve this, self-centered attention whore that I am? Why do I do this, when he listens to me for hours, and I couldn’t give two shits about him most days? Why do I do that? Why, when all I want to do is listen to him, do I cut him off mid-sentence when he’s hurting and needs some relief? Why do I do that?
Please, PLEASE, if you’re reading this, PLEASE HELP ME. I don’t want to lose him. He’s the greatest blessing in my life. I just don’t know how to handle that, don’t know how to treat a treasure like him. I don’t want to lose him, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. PLEASE help me, I’m BEGGING YOU. I don’t want to lose him, he’s the only man I will ever love like this, I will never be a whole person again if he walks away now, PLEASE… HELP ME.
1 comment
Actually you said it yourself, you know why you keep on putting distance in between, so you might want to find a way to stop doing it (i do know by heart that it’s not easy). I used to wonder about the “deserving” thing and after years of loss after loss (people, health, career, my own sense of self) you end up realizing that it just doesn’t matter and that it’s a good idea to just realize that in the end nobody deserves anything in this world, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be open to embracing things that come our way (if we want to).
Like you said, he sees something in you, so why don’t you just try using that, and instead of demeaning yourself, just try to do your best? even if you think badly of yourself he is with you (and he’s “the sane” one) so why not respecting his choice?
By trying your best i don’t mean being perfect (no one is) or putting on a show tho, i mean just doing your honest best. It’s scary to try something knowing that you can lose, but it’s even worse to lose without trying. I wish you luck and sorry if my crappy reply doesn’t help at all, lol.