Yesterday wasn’t the best day, and neither was today. I might have lost 3 friends over my mistake that I made.
I was supposed to go to an amusement park with my friend today but I refused to go out of fear. I feared being left out again. She ignored me at dinner last night to talk to my sisters (or at least it felt that way). I just boiled over and got angry, ran upstairs and cried. I didn’t say anything to her when she came up to get me. Just put a smile on my face and continued on.
When today came around I told my mom I was sick (I lied and my mom knew it). So after an hour or two of arguing she left me stay home.
My sisters, and my mom where ashamed of me. My sister told me I ditched her (I figured it felt that way to her. Don’t blame her..) and called me a bit**. My mom called me crazy, a psychopath, she threatened to send me to a mental hospital.. She said she can’t help me anymore and now after this whole ordeal I have nobody and I’m sure when my dad comes home we are going to have to sit down and have another talk.
I hate being this way.. I hate feeling like my friends don’t care.. But I also hate hurting them.. I don’t know if my friend is mad at me, or if my other friends are (there where two more that came over). I want to say sorry and explain to them the situation but I don’t think they will care to understand. Especially after today.
I wish I didn’t fu** up as much as I do. I know everyone makes mistake but I feel I make to many..
3 comments
It seems you are being very hard on yourself, and it also doesn’t help that your family and friends don’t seem to take the time to understand you. Forcing yourself to be happy for the sake of other people isn’t good for you at all. I understand not wanting to hurt those around you but why aren’t they taking the time to see you’re hurting?
You’re not crazy or a psychopath. It sounds like you are dealing with severe anxiety and it’s causing your depression to worsen as well. Do you think your dad would understand you more if you explain your feelings to him? Perhaps your dad would be more open minded about getting you the help you need to overcome your anxiety. If your friends won’t stick by you through this, then they aren’t real friends. Coming to that realization hurts, but friends are suppose to stick with each other through thick and thin. Don’t feel guilty, nothing is your fault. I hope things get better. 🙂
I never really thought of it as being hard on myself. I don’t like making things like that for me and for others. Whenever people tell me that what I did was wrong and unacceptable (like in this case) I have to believe it. I’ve been told I’m wrong all my life and I’m starting to believe it’s true. I have made mistakes but I have to pay dearly for them. Mostly my parents handle the punishments for me. It’s more verbal punishment than physical.
Not only do my friends and family not understand me with these problems, but they also jump to conclusions too… Saying I’m just being spoiled or I’m just being a snotty bit**.. Which I’m not.. But when I’m pushed over the edge I snap. I’m not rude.. I respect people and try to help others who have similar situations like me. But when I feel like my friends treat me differently that’s when I get upset and close myself off and my parents think I’m crazy because of it.
Forcing myself to be happy and smile around others isn’t healthy, I know that. But it’s not like I can tell them what’s going on. They have other stuff going on in there life and they don’t want to put up with someone being sad or upset all the time (as so my one friend said..). So I HAVE to fake it. Or else my friends will ditch me and my parents (especially my mom) will send me away to one of those hospitals. I never been to one, and I’m very much frightened to go.
I haven’t been to a therapist in years. I was only told I have HDHD, Aspergers and depression. They never mentioned anything about anxiety to me and I don’t know if anxiety can develop over time. I did have some sort of an anxiety attack before, but it only happened to me twice. It hasn’t happened since my second one.
My dad… No, he won’t even listen to me. He’s just as bad as my mom when it comes to this. Jumps to conclusions. He doesn’t even try to understand. He says he does but he doesn’t, and like my mom, he tells me the same stuff. I’m overreacting, I’m being a bit** and all that hurtful stuff. I hate and love my family. But it’s hard to love them when they don’t even bother to understand this stuff. I want to leave my home, I really do but I have no money or job. I have to fight through 3 more years of this before I’m off on my own.
It does hurt coming to that realization.. But I have no other method to make friends so I have to stick with these ones for now.
I have only two friends who truly understand how this feels. It’s good to have them around as friends. But we cannot hang out all the time. My mom promised me I’ll never be aloud to have friends over anymore.
Thank you for the support. You don’t know how much this really meant to me. No one has ever sided with me.. Ever. It makes me feel better to know another person understands how I truly feel in this world.
Hi GerbzBaby. Thank you for replying and no matter what me and everyone on this site will support you. Many of us, if not all, are misunderstood and the people around us don’t take the time to understand. I am still in that situation as well. The only people I can share my true feelings to are paid doctors/therapists T__T and everyone on here. ( 🙂 ) It hurts because the people who are closest to you, like family and friends, are the ones who should be the first to understand and comfort you.
About being hard on yourself, I think I meant I don’t want you to feel wrong or guilty for feeling the way you do. This is not a situation you put yourself in intentionally, and I’m sure you would change it if you could and just be “normal.” Saying 1 + 1 = 5 is factually wrong, but someone saying your wrong for being afraid or feeling uncomfortable in a situation, that’s a matter of opinion. Just because your family or your friends BELIEVE you are wrong that doesn’t make it true. I don’t believe you are wrong at all and I want you to know that. 🙂
I’m unsure of what you mean by “one of those hospitals.” Your mom really can’t lock you up in a mental hospital forever unless you are a danger to others or can’t take care of yourself. You seem very intelligent and very nice so I don’t believe that’s true. I’ve been to a psych ward twice as a teenager. While it is an uncomfortable experience, I do credit it with allowing me to have outpatient treatment and having my mother understand my situation a little more. I’m not saying you should go to a psych ward. I think it would be better to find outpatient treatment some other way. Sometimes you have the situation into your own hands. I had a mother who didn’t believe in the mental health system, and I had to take control myself at thirteen years old because I knew I needed help.
Anxiety can develop and worsen over time if not treated. I believe my anxiety developed in childhood and I got to a breaking point by the time I reached my teen years. Everyone deals with some degree of anxiety but when it interferes with your life it becomes a problem.
I’m sorry to hear your dad doesn’t understand as well. I applaud you for fighting through this and doing your best. I hope you will feel comfortable to share your feelings on here. My heart goes out to you and I will do my best to help as much as I can.