I’m not exactly sure what to write here. I don’t want to beg for attention or anything, I just want to get my feelings off my chest but I don’t want anyone who knows me to know how I feel. I’m afraid they would panic.
So for several reasons I don’t care to speak about, I’ve recently decided that I wish I could disappear. Or at least that’s what I thought. But as I started to think, I realized if I killed myself, or even if I just up and disappeared, I could possibly hurt some people around me. That’s not something I want at all.
Instead, I have decided that I wish I was never born in the first place. I kind of hate myself and I don’t really understand why others like me at all. I don’t really comprehend it because most of the time I feel like I’m just annoying and bothersome to those around me.
It’s not exactly like I have a right to feel the way I do. I have good grades, I play an instrument well, I march in an excellent high school band, and I’m not bullied on a daily basis or anything. I just don’t like myself or my actions in most cases. Sometimes I do things without thinking them through all the way, and I figure people should hate me for those actions. But instead, they forgive me and I don’t know why. I don’t feel like I deserve it.
I guess that just makes me very fortunate to have the people around me I do, but it still feels weird. I don’t feel like they should forgive me because it’s not like I’m super close to anyone really. So why would they forgive me, even if I’m not close to them? It just makes me feel guilty.
I just don’t really feel like I deserve to be here at all. I mean, I’m not superb at anything, not particularly gifted, or special by any means. In fact, if I didn’t exist, I doubt anything would be different at all.
That’s why I wish I wasn’t born. All I do is make mistakes and I’m never really penalized for it. Not that I want to be, but it’s still not fair to others. I feel like I’m unintentionally leeching off of others and using them to my advantage. And I hate myself for it.
So sorry for pestering you with this, I just wanted to get it off my chest. If you ready all the way or even half way through this, thank you very much. It means a lot to me.