It’s only been a couple of weeks since we stopped talking and it already feels like months. I feel so lonely now, but overall it’s easier this way. I think about the things that happened a bit less all the time, and I’m not waiting for your emails. But I still think about you every day. I miss the things you said so much. I think about everything bad that happened, and all the reasons our relationship was crumbling away, why it ended and why I shouldn’t get back in touch with you. And I remember all the things you said when we first met. How before we stopped talking, and we were trying to act like everything was how it had always been, you said some of the things you missed. I still miss those things.
I wish you fought for me, for us. I wish you didn’t seem less interested and less invested for all that time before we finally ended it. I wish the last email I sent hadn’t sounded so harsh. I wasn’t angry, just desperate. I did get angry later, but it wasn’t enough to stop me adoring you. No one has caused me so much pain or given me so much companionship, fun and love. You gave me dreams again. I wish I’d ended things before it became a nightmare.
I still check my messages and sometimes expect to see one from you. Days like today, when I’ve barely been out of bed, been in pain most of the day, had to block out the light and hardly spoken to anyone… I want you more than ever.
I suspect you’re with your ex, and I’m not sure how long you’ve been with her. I don’t think you’ll be hurting like I am. I can’t even look at the gifts you gave me. I almost break and talk to you so often. I shouldn’t, but I want you to come back to me.
I’m so tired of being ill. I just want to move on with my life. I won’t stay like this. I’m determined to be one of the people to recover from my illness. If not, I hope I can die. I just want a change. Over the past months, I found a couple of possible treatments. I’m still waiting to see when I could try them. I’m trying to change my depression too, but so far I’m stuck in this place that feels between life and death. It’s hard.
I miss the time when we could never last without talking for a single day.
– Sf
12 comments
Trix,
I know this post is more like a letter to someone you love than an actual post, but I can’t help but to comment… I understand so much of your pain, not only emotional but also physical. We’re in similar situations. You’re not alone.
I feel the same way about so many things… One of them is that I need to overcome my illness and my horrors. I have to do that for myself. If not, I hope I can die too. Something has to happen. I’m in bed too, my body is so weak today.
About love… This seems to be the week of broken hearts… I can’t offer much advice on romantic relationships. I’m in a bit of a mess at the moment. But I believe that sometimes people go different ways only to be reunited again in the future, when their love will be even better and stronger. If not, keep the good memories in your heart and never let go of them. There’s someone in my life that will always be my horizon.
My heart goes out to you.
May you be free from pain and be very happy in your love life.
Tris
Thank you so much. I’m glad you commented, I love hearing your thoughts. I feel kind of a fraud re the relationship because it was ‘only’ online, but it meant as much to me as any in real life.
I think if I’d ended it earlier (I say ‘I’ because he never would, even if 99% of him wanted to – and I was really frustrating him by the end, so he might have), I’d find it easier to think good thoughts about the past. Over months it’s become tainted by some things he said, and some things I said. I don’t think anymore that we could be together long-term and still be happy. I wish I could still believe it though.
I’m sorry you’re ill as well. How do you pass the time? It sounds like a small problem, but I really find it hard to find things to do while I’m ill. Sometimes all I can cope with is silence and darkness, but usually I want something to ‘do’, even if all I can do is lie down with my phone.
Thanks for your lovely words. Of course I hope all the same for you. X
Thank you, I love hearing yours too. I think that just because it happened online, it doesn’t mean things weren’t real for you guys (I trust me, I know by experience). Distance doesn’t mean anything when two people care about each other.
I’m sorry. Maybe you don’t have to necessarily believe though — life always surprises us. As I said, sometimes people are brought back together and things improve. If your lives will meet again or not, idk but I hope that you can be happy.
Life without my phone would be so, so more painful lol. It depends on the day… Nowadays I just read (mostly poetry or 90’s mangas) and browse the web, bug Duzo and listen to music, but I used to write and draw all the time before. I try to keep my mind busy all the time…
Sometimes I turn of the lights and stay in my bed for hours thinking. That’s enough for me in the bad days.
Off* and ignore that “I” before the word trust. -_- oh yeah, let me add that I also spend my time fixing my typos. Idk why I do that, I don’t think I’m a perfectionist irl.
To be honest I don’t think it’d be good for either of us if we crossed paths again. That should make it easier, and I think it does a bit. I used to be the one convincing him that it could become real and we could stay together, but in the end he couldn’t convince me. I don’t think we belong together. He said some things that really, really hurt and disturbed me (mainly towards the end, but when we first met too), and I think I’ve hurt him too. I also lost my trust in him quite a long time ago, and that’s the most important thing to me.
I used to write and draw a lot too. 🙂 I tried to paint a while ago, but that was when I was starting to get ill and getting more and more exhausted, so I had to keep stopping and lying down. I don’t do as much nowadays. I also try to keep my mind busy. I really want to train myself to be able to just exist, but it’s not happening overnight. Last night and this morning I noticed I could just sit in silence, which is something I can never do, but it’s not long before the lack of activity brings my depression to a new level. In the past I’d have spent loads of time reading, but I get dizzy a lot so I don’t often read whole books anymore. Concentrating is exhausting too (and being exhausted brings on a ton of other symptoms). I can just about manage children’s books now, haha, so maybe I should try more of them. I should try to write more, I’ve kind of given up on it for a while. What kind of things did you write? I can imagine you being great at writing.
Now that you added that part about hurting each other our stories seem even more similar, sigh. Maybe just keeping the memories in your heart would be the best… Also, I think we learn a lot from every relationship that we build; not only about people in general, but especially about ourselves. That always makes me thankful for having my previous relationships.
I tried to paint too, but I still need to practice a lot before getting really good at it. I don’t usually get dizzy, so I don’t have troubles with reading (except for the days when my pain is very intense).
Thank you, knowing that you think that means a lot to me especially because English isn’t my first language. Poetry and short stories… And sometimes just random thoughts. I’ve always wanted to write a novel, but I can’t focus on one story for more than two weeks, haha… I’d probably take ten years to write a full novel. Maybe someday.
What kind of literature did you like to write?
Lots of similarities in our stories… Maybe we’re related, haha.
As time goes on I’m kind of holding onto the good memories more and the bad ones less. I’m still reeling from them though, but… it takes time to fix yourself when you’ve been somewhat broken. Sometimes it feels too much to bear, but the worst of it is definitely over.
I’d love to do more art to become more skilled at it. I thought I might like to do an art course, but I don’t think it’s possible at the moment.
I wondered about trying NaNoWriMo this November, but I don’t think I want to write a novel at the moment, although it used to be a dream. I’d prefer to write a collection of short stories for small children. I used to come up with much more detailed stories, though I didn’t always write them down. But the past couple of years I’ve just written smaller children’s stories and fairytales… and the occasional very bad poem. My writing is a bit all over the place now – even short stories end up quite awkward and disjointed. It’s similar to the way I read or listen. I’m never quite ‘there’ and I’m constantly losing focus and becoming forgetful. I don’t get inspired in the way I used to, but I know if I could shift some of the depression a bit of my old inspiration would come back. It’s something I miss sometimes.
If you ever want to share anything you write I’d love to read it. 🙂
I have a friend online who, like you, speaks (well, writes) amazing English. It’s a bit alarming, haha. I love languages but my memory is really poor, so I’ve never been able to learn a second language. A couple of years ago I tried to learn another language with my mum. I was better at the pronunciation and overall spent more time learning it. It was a bit frustrating because even though I went over most of the things I learnt for a second time teaching her, I just never remembered it. She can still remember lots of it – I just stare at her gormlessly.
I don’t think you should stop because of that, keep writing because at least that will help you to keep your mind busy. Also, you can write down your best ideas to work on them later when you finally win the battle against your illness. Uhh, I’m telling you to write, but I haven’t written anything lately… I need to follow my own advice.
More coincidences: most of my short stories are for small children, haha… I love kids, I would love to publish a book for them and illustrate it myself if possible. I also love surrealism… I guess my short stories are always a mix of surrealism and mundane life.
I would love to read your writings too. I still need to translate mine to English though, I haven’t translated anything, but a few poems.
Hehe, I love languages. I only speak my native language (Portuguese) and English though… I wonder if someday I will be able to learn a third one. I can read and write two Japanese alphabets and I understand most of what I read in Spanish, Italian and French since they’re related to Portuguese, but I don’t actually speak them. I’ve been told that my spoken English is very good and my accent isn’t bad at all (one of my best friends always says that my accent is “mild”), but I always get a bit anxious when talking to a native speaker for the first time, hehe.
Sorry for taking so long to reply, mom has some friends over so I got sidetracked, agh… I will be back again tomorrow morning, Trix. I loved talking to you ^^ I wish you the very best and I hope we can chat again soon. xx
So much easier to say it than to do it, isn’t it? 🙂
A mix of surrealism and mundane life = perfect. That’s exactly what I hope to achieve in my stories. 🙂
I understand most of what I read in… English. 😉 So you’re further on than me! And while I don’t have a dialect, there are some variations from standard English in the way I speak, so I even I have to be careful how I phrase things sometimes. The person I wrote the above post about is American, and we had some hilarious mix-ups over language.
Loved talking to you too, Tris. 🙂
Hi Trix, sorry to hear about your illness and the break-up in your relationship. I can only imagine the hardship that you’re going through, hopefully they can find a treatment for you. Based on what I’ve read here it sounds to me that you’re probably better off without him.
Thanks a3b2c1, that means a lot to me.
I miss the the tons of messages each day and the occasional long winded rants that make Stephen King look like a short story writer. I miss waking up and seeing a message from you before i even get out of bed. You are always the first person i thought of each day, and the last one i dreamed about before drifting off to sleep. You are a beautiful person and you deserve an equally beautiful person. I’m not alive inside, im disconnected from life although i appear to function in society. But you lit a spark in me. You let me take off this mask. You made me feel.
Im empty again.
I still want to kiss you in the rain. Or lay under the stairs and be comfortable in each others silence. I want to bring you pretty flowers in the winter.
xoxo
Sarin