It’s safe to say I’ve fucked up my life pretty thoroughly. To the point where it feels like there’s no way back. This is who I am. It’s not some temporary blip. It’s a consistent reflection of my thoughts and feelings.
I’m so far outside normal human life that it’s scary. I turned 28 last week, but a large part of my thinking and behaviour is still trapped in childhood. And I can’t see any way to catch up now. I can fake a degree of social confidence for a while, but it’s easy to see through. I haven’t developed any of the skills that most gradually pick up as they grow up. And people can tell when they talk to me. I’m ‘other’, there but not part of the group, to be ignored, or humoured, tolerated, but never really engaged with. They can sense that something isn’t right in me.
I’m this grotesque manchild, with the intellect of an adult but the social skills of a toddler, and it doesn’t feel like there’s a way out. I’m too far behind the curve to ever be acceptable to even the most sympathetic and open-minded. I’ve spent too much time with my own thoughts to relate normally socially, and now I’m too old and stuck in my behaviour patterns to learn the way most people do.
It would be good if life had a ‘restart’ option. But then that in itself is a childish idea born of too many hours playing video games.
5 comments
Easier said than done, but behaviour patterns can be changed at any age. I think most people are still children in many ways (usually emotionally). It’s just that if they relate to the outside world with ease, nobody sees them as abnormal right away. It’s not a quality you notice initially. But I do get where you’re coming from. It’s very different, but I’m deeply dependent on people, and I feel so helpless because of it. It’s like being a toddler again. I’m not sure I’d take the restart button – if I went back as the person I used to be, I’d do it exactly the same. The words of Frida Kahlo come to mind… ‘I hope never to return.’
I hope you find some way to move forward. People do go past rock bottom and manage to climb back up again.
Im nearly 28 as well and i appreciate the 90s beck reference. Not only that im in the exact same socially stunted child like boat. And ive recently lost damn near everything seriously so i understand exactly how you feel.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is all about retraining thought processes. I’m trying it this Friday. *shudder* Not sure why the consent forms mentioned electric shocks to the testicles.
I can relate, I’ve had that line of thought or versions of it. Without accepting that you’ve struck on the deep truth about your life, I know it’s really hard.
At 32 I am also very lonely, isolated and diminished because I find it very hard to engage with others and grow through healthy relationships. I feel so sad about it, as though I’ve missed out, or been separated or left behind. I’ve been coming to terms with leaving my life and have slowly developed a plan. Minimum pain for me and others.
If you’re not done with life and still have the energy to work for a healthier social self, I reckon expand your capacity for accepting yourself no matter how shit and awkward you think you are. Assume whatever you do or don’t do in interactions is ok, even better than ok (require extremely good evidence to disprove this assumption). Also, find ways to be less self conscious. Appreciate the glimmers of goodness that somehow happen anyway, the fleeting special moments that are only yours. Keep some distance from people who make you more self conscious. Look for activities that are interesting enough to your mind to occupy your awareness that don’t overexcite your self awareness and all the terror associated with that (sports, activities, games, making things). There are a lot of tricks that might improve things. For example, I find it easier to talk to someone if we are both sitting down facing the same way. You’re less concerned with how you look and how you’re behaving and its less intense.
I have learned to be happy in my hermitness. the rest, well, i am not happy.